I am a 20 year old female. I have always suffered with low mood, even since I was a little girl. And have always been shy. I was bullied in almost every year at school, even by my own friends, and sexually abused from the age of 6-11.
I left school at the age of 14 because I couldnt stand it any more, and was having terrible headaches sometimes lasting for days. The teachers did very little to stop the bullying. I layed in bed all day every day, and felt extremely depressed, and suicidal.
As time went by, and I discovered painting and drawing, I became slighty happier.
I don't go out alone, am extremely shy (especially around new people or people I don't know very well), and have no friends, no job and no life.
But for the past year and a half (I think), my moods keep changing and I am a little concerned and confused as to what is wrong with me.
I have times when I feel euphoric. Sights and colours really stand out to me, and become so much more interesting. I get sudden happy thoughts rush through me out of the blue. I feel so much more confident, and like I can do anything and be normal just like everybody else. I feel more powerful, don't care what others say. I plan to do things like save up money(from selling some paintings, birthdays etc) and go far away on holiday by myself, which is a big thing considering how shy I am, and how hard I find it to talk to people. I only feel these things In my head, I don't think my mum or anybody else has picked up on this yet.
But then on the other hand, I have times when I feel extremely sad, and have sudden thoughts of death. I hate the way I look, have no motivation and just want to sit and stare at the wall or watch tv. I think how awful life is, and that I am never going to have a family or friends. I feel like I want to hurt myself (which I have done in the past, but not for a while now)
I don't have any problems sleeping these days, my sleep patterns are normal. Its just that, one minute I feel quite normal, then the next I get a sudden rush of happiness or euphoria. This might last seconds and then I go back to feeling normal, or it might come on gradually and last for months.
Or, I might feel normal, and then suddenly go into an unhappy mode for no reason just out of the blue. sometimes its just a sudden rush of suicidal thoughts, and then I feel quite normal afterwards. Or the unhappy thoughts can last a few days.
Right now I feel normal, but this morning I had a sudden suicidal thought that came and went. With these thoughts, often comes a feeling inside like anger or something.
I have mild mood swings occasionally, but these are caused by stress and not for no reason.
I don't hear voices, do drugs or anything like that. I take care of myself, and can think properly.
I do however, become easily annoyed and distracted by sounds. I am very sensitive to sounds, and get extremely annoyed and moany about things that other people don't find annoying at all. (particularly banging, people talking loudly that sort of thing) My family tell me to ignore these things, but I just can't.
As I said, I don't think any of my family are aware of what is 'going on in my head', its just what I feel inside. I find it frustrating when my mood shifts. Sometimes it seems like I feel normal for a while, and then go into the euphoric state for a while, and then back to normal for some time, then for a couple of days I feel sad.
The past few months though, I have felt normal, while about three times a week I get the sudden suicidle thoughts rushing through my mind, with feelings of loneliness, and less often I have felt the euphoric state.
I don't know if anyone in my family has mental health problems, although my dad did once tell me he sometimes suffers with depression. I don't know if its just the typical 'blues' that people get or if its something more serious that he didn't tell me about.
If anyone has some idea what could be wrong with me, please can you help?
I'm sorry if you found all this confusing and long, I just thought it would be good to explain it well. If you have any questions, please ask.
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