im 18 and i was diagnosed with bi-polar some years ago. I dont remember the psychiatrist's visit but i can say that from some symptons i mentioned, and its in my genes, i was given a diagnosis. But doctors are so easy to give out mental ilnesses , or they catagorize the symptons into some major well-known ilnesses, such as bi-polar, schizophrenia and ADD. I was also told of my ADD.
I get rage unlike any other person i know. I dont remember much, but when im in my rage, im the king of the ****in world. I am fearless, and i am the toughest, and strongest, smartest, most tactical, supreme being of the planet. I belive that everything is my property, and the person and/or object, that sparked the flame, has to suffer the most physical/pyschological pain that i can deliver, it makes me feel good to know that i have that ability.Simply acting upon desire would be insane. But not controlling that would not be completely ****ty. I learned to control it by saying (this is only during the episode) to myself that whatever *****d me off, that they arnt worth it, and they will get what comes to them when the time comes, but not by me.I put so much mental effort battling this rage, that i shake, make faces, snap around, pace around and sit on the floor holding my shins, like the typical insane. IT works most of the time, i have not done anything that would of ruined my life by following through the ways to depress their ability to feel joy. But take not that i am not a threat to anyone nor myself, i follow a strict self made guidebook that is a matter of cannot; not willnot break, even if i want to.
It starts when my vision has black rings at the edges, and i feel a tingle of hate rise up my back. This is when i should take note of the potential results that may be about to happen. Then my head or whatever body part it is, twitchs and my head will as if vibrate as i feel the hate grow. My mind has precious seconds to divert the outcome. If un-diverted I may yell a word, any word, regardless of sitation, as if i have tourrettes. Then call it my lordship of the world if you will takes over my view. In a matter of seconds violent twist jerks and pacing fall into play as i start thinking what my plan is. If im in my house, this is the point where i find it no longer acceptable for my to be in sacred property and must locate to destroy the "piece of ****" or "******e", which happens to be in the form of a punching bag, i stick or the ground. Extreme hate and desire to satisfy my hunger for pain to the dirt/stick/whatever take place and try to break into smallest piece or hurt the ground. My mind is overjoyed by my pleasure of physically hurting the dirt.
I dont know why, but (after i convince myself that they cant be destroyed and no matter what effort i may try, it wont work) after that i start saying all kinds of things, threats, things that make no sense. I may punch myself to divert the anger, or impulse attck the object. During the 5-however long it ends episode, my voice goes from laughing really hard , to yelling at the top of my lungs, to laughing , then harshly whispering and so forth.
One or two other episodes may follow the rage, without notice. i self medicate by crushing my ritalin into quarters and then drink it down with some water, because i dont want to sniff it, and it will kick in faster, or wait it out till i have depleted my andrelilin. I may start crying uncontrollably and feel like the biggest piece of **** for what i have done, regardless of importance (such as stubbing my toe for the 5th time, and have not gotten my nicotine intake for the day, or breaking something that i wish i didnt. I dont want to live at this point and become suicidal, but my willpower knows that it cannot be done because im not selfish enough to do that to my many friends and family.
Possibility two, is that i start laughing uncontrollably, at what some witnesses have said it sounds like i lost my **** and quite insane. I will laugh for 10 minutes, and i dont really know whats so funny half the time. I know that at sometimes its because what happened during my "control-rage", (where i use willpower to struggle with anger at a steep degree and do not allow damage to "sacred ones" (who are family or animals or friends) or "sacred property" (places like a relatives or friends property) such as some stick or breakable non-value, or sometimes valuable, like a laptop, was a heroic triumph and was well, i dont really know, but whatever it is, its funny as ****. Sometimes i will roll my head as I laugh, or run in circles with speed and jumping. Othertimes i will remain in the vicinity of the switch of phases.
And at times, im king of the world, but in the sense of everyone is awesome, and im extremely energtic and feel better than ecstacy. These are the points where i will act without thinking and make people laugh for awhile.
As a younger kid, i did not know how to control, but i soon taught myself. Psychiatrists never helped me or made me feel better, because im a generaly happy guy, and theyre methods of treatment and control didnt make sense or work. As i look back now maybe the reason i was forced to go, was because of my episodes, where i am temporarly sadistic in a way, but more because my parents thought i would be depressed when that didnt occur. But talking and "breathe in and out" doesnt work when you have no problems on your mind and during the rage episodes i would be breathing heavily and grunting and kinda like making caveman, primitive based aggression growls. After getting in trouble with the law and landing myself some assault and battery charges during that whole period i woke up to my situation, and made self-treatments, by using my mental power of willpower. **** anger management, just because i got in a fight, and snap when someone/something was inappropriate to the extent of disrespect (someone threatening me makes me start to twitch, then usualy my will-power will just have me grunting waving my arms punching myself and yelling at them, but not physically retaliate) doesnt mean that im constantly mad, or get mad over absolutly nothing, well sometimes yes , but at a frequency very low. But i taught myself that things are never worth it if i allow myself to do not control my rage. Ironicly as i wrote this my brother just *****d me off.
My parents say its a phase, but i do not trust anyone or anything. You cant, everyone is out to get what benefits them the most. Trust family, but no one with the power to jail and torture you. Dont trust advertisting or any media because of the way that they can manipulate information to tell you how to feel about something; or do not write things that they want you to know about. I belive conspiracy theories, not because i want to, but because they seem like the stuff that is happening, the things the power dont want you to know. But then what if they write conspiracy theories, make them up, because they target the people who dont trust **** or people who belive things that "fit the pieces". For some reason i like animals more than people. I also have insomnia and depression sometimes, but those topics are boring so im not goin to write about them.
One time i snapped, and used willpower to not damage propertly i had at the time the best idea that was ever created. I chose leaves as my enemy. I had to take action, because theyre were a piece of **** **** **** growl growl growl roar. And as i am insulting the leaves, im starting stage one of the plan, i got a stick, who was a ****ing piece of ****, broke it several times to get pieces of wood much like a dagger. I picked up a leaf and stabbed them in the center, one by one until i got tired. I am saying this because at the time, I was doing something that afterwards i find to be, quite disturbing and creative means of executing leaves. I dont think it was the best plan in the world afterwards, and smoking a cigarette staring that the 15 or so sticks sticking out of the ground with leaves stabbed and impaled, i wonder if i just have bi-polar or something else or something, because i do not know anybody with these characteristics. I dont hear voices or hallucinate, or ever break laws, or do stupid ****, i was just wondering what the people suggest what other ilness i may or may not have. Thank you for your time.
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