I did not know where to post this thread- whether I should post it under sex or just general mental conditions. I guess that "mental conditions" covers it all but some of it has to do with sexual dysfunction and psycho-sexual inclinations.
I have not been turned on by anybody scince I was 17 years old except for when I was tenderly and passionately making out with a guy in college. He was 24 at the time and I was 21. He looked like an average 24 year old but he had a youthfull quality about him. He would never had been able to turn me on if it had not been for his positive attributes- he was brilliant, tremendously affectioate, passionate, and above all- JUST ***n GOOD AT TOUCHING ME EXACTLY THE RIGHT WAY.
Although I did not feel any sensation in my privates I did get a load of endorphins, adrenaline, and dopamine- all that good stuff that comes along with arousal. I did not orgasm, of course.
I stopped having sexual feelings when I was 17 and I am now 27. The reason for this I believe is because I took an anti-psychotic drug called zyprexa for a year and a half because I was manic depressive and becomming highly paranoid. Niw, 10 years later, I still do not get aroused or have any feeling in my clitoris (the most important spot of every woman's body). I was also traumatized from when I was 17 til when I was about 20 but non of this was sexual abuse except for a short-lived abusive relationship with a guy at my college who came from england. He raped me but I thought no one would believe me. It was kind of hard for me to admit that he was actually raping me especially since I initiated the sex the first time. He did not tie me down or anything. He just tore off my clothing and made me get on top. I knew better then to disobey him. He wanted to **** like every two seconds. I met Glenn, the guy who turned me on, 1 year later when I was 21. I do not believe that any of my problems stem from the abusive relationship with andrew.
Glenn turned out to be serverly emotionally and mentally abusive and he even wanted to abuse me physically but that never happenned. I lived with him for 2 and a half years and found oput that he was a monster. he was screaming at me every single day and I cried because of his abuse at least once a day. He had a spilit personality. He acted like an angel around everyone except me and this reminded me of my parents. My parents are still good people though and have been extremely good to me especially after my adolesence. They basically let me be a free spirit but they don't let me get into trouble.
This brings me into the present. I work part time and it is an easy as ***l job. I relate best to the teenagers that I work with because I am more or less on there level but they might be more responsible and sophisticated. I feel like if I could just have sexual feelings then I would act and feel like an adult- as I should! I don't know what my problems stem from. I don't know where the roots are. Having peers that are 10 years younger then me is fun but it can get confusing when I see a cute kid who is like really young and probably immature but yet still cute and my friend. There is one such kid that I actually felt attracted to for like a minute and a half but then I got scared (rightfully so) and turned off that feeling. I want to be 16! I would never try to seduce him- unless he was 20 or so and willing. I do not judge myself for having a fleeting sensation because it's not a problem unless it gets out of control and you act upon it. It's not like he's a little kid..he's an adolescent...almost a young adult, but if anyone wants to argue and tell me it's a problem then go right ahead.
I am just wondering why it is my FIRST attraction in like 10 years! It could be because the last time I dated and had sexual feelings I was 16 and so was my boyfriend. That should not be a problem though because I often fantasized about somewhat older guys- even much older guys. i never actually experimented with older guys though. I was infatuated and deeply in love with my 23 year olf sophmor english teacher when i was 16. I thought I was going to marry him. I might have flirted with him and studied harder than anyone else in the class but nothing ever happened between us.
I was wondering if anyone can think of safe ways for me to open myself up to my emotions and sexual feelings with out hurting myself. I hardly even like or care about anything or anyone so having the deeper kinds of feelings may require that I work on the basics first...or maybe not. I wonder if all of my problems come from post traumatic stress disorder. I already take a bunch of psyche meds- abilify, zoloft, and trazodone. What kind of non-psychiatric remedies are out there? What if the only sollution is for me to find somebody- another person like Glenn- but not exactly like Glenn because Glenn was a con-artist of sorts and an abuser. What if I am only turned on by sneaky jerks?- the type of ***k who looks and behaves perfect in every single way until slowly but surely he reveals his true nature to the point where you can barely imagine him any other way. What if it's my "type?" I hope I'll be able to recognize other "Glenns" in the future before it's too late.