I suffer from BDD, or so I'm told. I don't believe that though as I am truly ugly and my preoccupation is therefore justified. The term 'body dysmorphia' implies a distorted self-perception, while mine is completely accurate. I have no chin, my nose is crooked (I've been asked if I had it broken as a child), my cheekbones are as wide as three regular heads laid end-on-end and my hairline is already receding at the grand old age of 19 (thanks Dad!). If you saw an isolated head shot, you'd be forgiven for thinking that I weigh ~300lbs; but alas, I only weigh 110lbs. The girth of my facial bone structure is a sight to behold, yet amazingly there is not an inch of fat on my entire face. This also gives way to several premature wrinkles and two prominent under-eye bags. For the contrast in my lack of body mass and the massive size of my head, I refer to myself as the human lollipop. All told, my numbers did not come up when the genetic lottery was drawn.
My best feature was my hair, which covered 40% of my titanic face, and now that my hairdresser cut it all off against my will, (I endlessly fight to camouflage my receded hairline with what little hair I have left) I've plunged into an even deeper depression. When I arrived home from that appointment, I slashed my wrists up in a cute criss-cross pattern and they wouldn't stop bleeding for an hour thereafter. I don't really want to kill myself, but I don't really want to live either. There is a bridge around the corner from my place which I could casually "slip" from in the midst of the night while taking in the scenery, but I'm not sure it's high enough to shatter my skull into a thousand tiny pieces. I don't want to end up paralyzed and ugly, then I'd be even worse off than I am now and with no hope of suicide success.
Sometimes I am forced to leave the house. This often proves problematic as I have great social anxieties when I'm not inebriated. This is exacerbated by my use of makeup to cover my purple alien skin, which I'd be mortified to have noticed/pointed out by anyone. People seem to ignore me, which I suppose is due to my superhuman ugliness. I have trouble keeping eye contact with anyone, including my closest friends who I am slowly beginning to shut out from my life. I look like a deformed dear in headlights when I'm remotely uncomfortable and I think people somehow pick up a negative vibe from me. I'm kind, I have a good sense of humor and I'm reasonably intelligent, so why do people constantly ignore me?
On top of my body-image hangups, I'm so unmotivated and indecisive when it comes to my future. I graduated from school in November and did not apply for any further education in 2010 despite returning acceptable results. I have applied for several jobs by forwarding my resume via email, but I don't really want to be hired and am merely fulfilling my welfare requirements. I know that I could not cope with the stresses of a full time job and would descend even further into the pit of depression (provided my head didn't act as a makeshift stopper). Besides, I have no motivation to work anyway because I don't want anything for myself. I don't want to move out when I can stay in my comfort zone for as long as I please. I don't want to save up for a car when I have nowhere to drive. I don't want new clothes because my head will always be floating above them. I don't want to go out and find a partner because I would not be attracted to anyone ugly enough to date me anyway. I don't even enjoy any of the things that used to make me happy anymore.
All I want to do is write poetry, write novels and record music in an isolated hut where my groceries are delivered and left at my doorstep. Unfortunately my concentration levels have been almost non-existent since my nervous breakdown at 16 so I can't even do any of that redundant creative crap (all that I'm good for). I was seeing a psychologist for BDD a few years ago, but soon had an effectuation. We would have to agree to disagree on the matter of my appearance and I'd rather just accept my misfortune than live in a delusional land of rainbows and lollipops - I see enough lollipop in the mirror every day anyway. Needless to say I stopped attending my appointments and am not taking any medication. I received a letter shortly after ceasing to attend, which basically said "since you no longer visit us, we assume you're doing well." Their assumptions are wrong. Oh, and anti-depressants aren't worth a dime because it's not my serotonin levels that are lacking; it's my life.
What is wrong with me? :)
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