I'm, concerned that I might need help. But, I'm not entirely sure where to go to get it - or if I'd just be wasting a psychiastrist's time. I'm not even sure what my main symptom is.
I have these depressed phases. I don't have manic phases - just times when I'm not depressed. During my depressed phases I tend to have these little episodes.
Um, during an episode, It gets really hard to speak. Like, I'll try to say something, and either it just won't come out or it'll come out all mixed up or it'll come out using words that are only remoltely related to what I was actually trying to say. I'll have a hard time remembering things. Not long term things, short term things. Things like "why did I just walk into this room?" and I'll have this weird sensation in my head. The best way I can think to describe the sensation is "it feels fuzzy." like my whole head is covered in a fuzz. Sometimes, worse times, it feels like it's not fuzzy, when it should be. Then it feels like it aught to be fuzzy, but the fuzz wass scrapped off too close to the skin.
Sometimes, during one of these episodes, I'll get afraid to look in the mirror. I don't know why - but at the time it always seems like the worst thing I could do would be to look in the mirror. It feels like if I was to look in the mirror, I'd just see something horrible. I never have, though usually by the time I work up the courage to look in the mirror, the episode is over.
Sometimes, during one of these episodes, I'll start to feel like I'm rotting. I don't know how else to describe it. It frightens me now, when I'm not thinking like that and I'm worried about what's wrong with me. Especially since I've contemplated trying to remove the rottingg bits myself with a kitchen knife. I'm not suicidal - but that wasn't the motivation at the time anyway. The though process was "My liver is rotting. It's going to poison my blood. The rot will probalby infect the surounding tissue. I should remove it..."
It's always compounded by the fact that at the time I can't seem to manage to speak to say anything to anyone about it.
So, anyway. I don't think this is quite Depression, and I don't think I'm Bi-Polar. I think I had ADHD when I was a kid, but I'm pretty sure that these aren't ADHD symptoms. I've tried looking at things like Schizophrenia, but again, it doesn't seem like it's quite that bad either.
Could someone help me?