Ok I've never been game enough to tell my story on any site but visit frequently. I'm 22 and 5 months ago I was diagnosed with anorexia, I've basically suffered my whole life from eating issues. I would go through periods of starvation n then slowly eat again. This cycle has gone on ever since I can remember. Anyway I decided to get help n attended a day program for only a week. I was not ready for help I later realized. I have been attending an outpatient treatment center ever since. I have gained weight n am almost at a normal weight n it scares the crap out of me. About three weeks ago I decided that I really wanted to eat normally n eat whatever i wanted to gain weight. It freaked me out so I have been trying to restrict ever since only I look at my son and feel so ashamed n worthless and undeserving of him so I try to follow the meal plan my dietitian gave me, only now when I eat (even if it's something as small as an apple) I punish myself by overeating binging on all the foods I labelled "bad". It's been going on everyday for the past 3 weeks now n I'm gaining weight fast. I'm ashamed to tell my treatment team and I hate myself so much!! I have even started using laxatives to compensate even though I know they don't work in making you lose actual weight. I guess I just want to know do I still have an eating disorder? I feel so out of control an alone!
Sorry it's so long n makes no sense.