I don't want to force you all to read a huge wall of text...so i will try to keep this as short as possible. So far this is my 2nd revision.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 17 (I'm 25 or 26 now..sorry, my memory is picky as to what it wants to remember)
I have tried multiple anti depressants from Serzone, Prozac, Zoloft, and a few others that I can't remember. The result was always the same. It would work...to a point. I felt like there was this wall blocking all of the feelings and emotions and sadness I felt. It was still there...but I couldn't access it. I was still tired all the time, I would still fly off the handle and weep about what some viewed as "small issues". So I sought out therapy. I saw multiple shrinks, 5 total. Some I couldn't connect with, some wanted me to do little worksheets, and there was 1 that I actually connected with. But he was a student at the University and graduated. Shortly after I saw a new family doctor. He suggested that I might have ADD. He suspected that my lethargy and feelings of guilt were caused by my inability to focus and get things done. Made sense to me. After a failed attempt at some other reuptake inhibitor, I was put on Adderal. For the next few months...I can say I was happy. But it didn't last. I was feeling good about the fact that I was not a lazy blob on society but I would still have emotional episodes about money and life in general. I would make little to do lists that never felt done. And now I barely leave the house at all. I can't afford to leave the house and I feel ashamed and uncomfortable wherever I go.
The bottom line is this. I feel disconnected from this world. I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like my values don't fit into what society wants from me. I despise the fact that i have to work 40 hours a week to live and all the other time is spent sleeping. I am jobless but I am going to school in hopes of getting a job that I might enjoy as my life. I have repeated outbursts of weeping that I try to keep to myself as I feel like a burden on others. Usually I assume they won't understand. The ones I have tried to talk to tell me the same thing...grit your teeth and bare it.
Is this what I have to do? Just grit my teeth and accept the fact that I will always be unhappy with the world? It seems that way. Because now I have no gas in my car, my account is 100 dollars in the hole, and I feel like those that have been financially helping me for awhile now are getting sick of it.
I don't think about killing myself...but frequently I try to wish myself away.
Sorry...I suppose I still gave you a wall of text. I'm sure I left something out. But I'll stop now.