I'm posting this message because I'd like to know if anyone has shared my experience of what I believe to be depression. I'm seeing a doctor in the next few weeks but have not yet been diagnosed. I was however diagnosed with anxiety and depression at age 18 but the treatment was never effective. If anything it put pressure on me to pretend I was cured. I'm now 24 and have had very little enjoyment out of life.
Throughout college and university I was very withdrawn and had virtually no friends as a result. I had a problem with anxiety at this time which seems to have disappeared but I've never developed much self-confidence or self-worth. My world is full of pessimism and cynicism. Not so long ago I believed that my pessimism was justified but have since started to see that it's the way I think that causes my low self-esteem and loneliness. I don't know why I'm only seeing it now but I'd guess that being able to talk properly with someone for the first time (my mum) and stumbling across books like 'the bell jar' and 'prozac nation' have given me some much-needed perspective.
I still feel utterly low most of the time. It's hard to think back for even one second, about my past and everything that I've missed out on, and not be crushed by that weight. It's also so hard to accept that my family have never intervened. So much of what has happened to me must have been visible to them despite my desperate efforts to hide my problems.
I'm not incapacitated with depression but it nevertheless feels very bad. I used to self-harm a lot and the burn scars i've given my torso are particularly bad. It's been nearly a year since I last self-harmed but it's so demoralising having to see those scars every morning. But like I said, I'm not incapacitated, I've worked since graduating and went back to uni this year to study for a master's degree. After the first semester, having been so hopeful at the start and then re-living the same loneliness, I dropped out feeling unable to cope with my life. This is also a big factor in me finally seeking help.
I'd really appreciate it if anyone that has had a similar experience would share it with me, along with anything else you think might help.