Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

Adjustment issues???

Posted In: Mental conditions 7 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • September 24, 2007
  • 03:27 PM

My wife and I moved to Houston 9 months ago which is 3 hours from where she grew up. We have a 17 month old and she is now a month pregnant. She hasn't adjusted well and it is obvious to everyone. She doesn't have a job or really do anything outside the house besides go to school for 2 hours a week. It's hard to get her motivated to do anything. She says it's because she's lonely since she has no family or friends here, but every time she has the opportunity to make a friend she doesn't call them or email or she just talks bad about them - making excuses why she doesn't like them. I told her the best way to meet and interact with more people is get a job or take more classes or something like that but she says she's fine.

She's obviously not fine. But I can't get her to admit that she has a problem. She barely picks up after herself at home, she doesn't get excited about anything, she watches tv all day and she snaps at me over every little thing (this has been going on since before this preganancy). Every time I try to talk to her about doing something to make things better she gets very defensive and tells me she's tired of me saying she's sad all the time. She saw a therapist once but skipped every appointment after that. What the ***l do I do? I'm so frustrated that it's put me on the verge of tears every day.

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7 Replies:

  • is alcohol involved?is this withdrawal something new,or does it predate your marriage?how does she behave with regard to your child?why did you move?whose idea was it?does anything make her behaviour ,and her unhappiness worse?is she in pain?are headaches involved?is she taking antidepressants?has there been a history of cannabis use? anything else?does she seem capable in any way of understanding what this is doing to you?how old is she? is she gaining or losing weight?what does she do when you are not there?are money troubles involved?are her parents alive?are they in contact?does she read or watch t.v.?can you discern any themes in her reading,or t.v.use?is she capable of humour?what is her sleep pattern like?would you say that she is getting better or becoming worse?
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • September 25, 2007
    • 01:20 PM
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  • No drugs, no alcohol, no antidepressants, no weight loss, no weight gain, no friends, no family, no job, no school, no reading... she is a great mother, treats our son well, sleeps in til 10 or 11, stays up late usually, watches alot of tv -
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • September 26, 2007
    • 04:18 PM
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  • No drugs, no alcohol, no antidepressants, no weight loss, no weight gain, no friends, no family, no job, no school, no reading... she does have some headaches that she's had for a long time, is a great mother, treats our son well, sleeps in til 10 or 11, stays up late usually, watches alot of tv - usually Flip this house or MTV or discovery channel... nothing too unusual. She is 23, weighs 130 and is very beautiful although a little upset about her stomach since the baby. Her parents are recently divorced after 25 years or so but that doesn't seem to bother her because she says it should've happened a long time ago. She's very close with her mother and sister and drives 3 hours once or twice a month to visit them but doesn't really even have any good friends there besides them. We moved because I got out of the military and got a good job in Houston... at the time this was a mutual agreement and the idea was actually hers but now she likes to blame moving here on me and say that I'm selfish. At certain moments of clarity she does acknowledge how she's affecting me and that there are countless ways she could remedy her sadness but then she goes back into her own little world and becomes lazy and unmotivated. She talks like she has a lot of ambition but never follows through even when I encourage and try to help her. I've gotten her a gym membership (with a built in daycare), enrolled her in one class, enrolled her in a once a week kids class with our son, but all she does is complain that she hates to work out, all the girls at the baby class are rich and stuck up, and doesn't try to make friends in her college class. Anyways, any insight would be greatly appreciated.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • September 26, 2007
    • 04:29 PM
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  • I have no medical training, but I like to observe people.It sounds to me like your wife is unhappy with where she is right now in life.She might be upset with the move, even if it seemed like her idea.She is saying she's lonely, but won't go make friends. It may be that she doesn't want to make friends in the town because she doesn't wish to stay there.It seems like she's reaching out in the way that she wishes to have friends and family around, but she won't make new ones because she may wish not to adjust to the move?She may be trying to gently push the idea that she's unhappy with the place you're living right now because she's got no friends, or social connections such as work and gym classes, maybe even trying not to join them in the first place because she wants nothing to do with this town.It is just a theory, you could talk to her about it.She may even be depressed, if you're depressed you sometimes hide away from social situations and don't wish to leave the house.She's brushing it off but she's definately not okay, like you said.Good luck to you and I hope you can figure out what's bothering her.
    Darken 9 Replies
    • October 3, 2007
    • 09:03 PM
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  • Thank you for your responses. I think that you are both accurate in saying that she is purposefully trying not to make any ties to this city because she doesn't want to stay. I think also that she has some social anxiety issues that she needs to deal with and I think that her being depressed is a direct result of that . She is very very difficult to approach about these types of things, though, and I have no idea how to help her move past these problems. She is very insecure and the second I mention anything that makes her look weak or out of control she switches to all out defensive mode - often resorting to yelling and crying and even pulling the covers over her head... anything to avoid talking about a difficult subject. So, how do I get around her excuses and defensiveness and into the root of the problem? I was once a counselor for the Millitary (which she throws in my face.. "you think you're perfect because you were a counselor") and have always been good at talking to people and're understanding them, but no matter what approach I try she shoots me down. She just seems angry at the world. Did I mention that she has been molested (by her grandfather) and raped in the past. I know these things cause severe problems but I'm not sure how they are connected to what we are gong through right now. I guess maybe the anxiety stems from that. By the way, my wife is a great person and I love her very much... I hope I haven't made her sound like the devil.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 10, 2007
    • 02:20 PM
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  • Hi again.I don't believe your wife is the devil, not at all. There are many people whohave gone through similar things (including me) similar to what your wife is going through.It could be that she is currently not strong enough to answer your questions, hence the need for defensive mode. I know that sometimes when I just can not answer something, I run, hide, or become extremely defensive.It's going to be extremely hard for her but you have to let her know you want to make things better and they won't get better until you two talk it out, but you also can't force her to do what she doesn't want to do.There's a very good chance she really does want to feel better, but she's finding it very difficult to cope with things right now.Throwing insults at you "You think you're so perfect" is a way to get you to back off because she might feel attacked with the questions.If she's been raped in the past she might have a form of PTSD. It is indeed an anxiety disorder. It is very hard to deal with but untreated can cause a load of problems. It could be that the stress of the move could have triggered some bad feelings, although I'm not sure how they would link up..It's honestly impossible to get someone to do something they do not want to do. The best you can do is to constantly let her know you're there for her, that you care about her very much, you're worried about her, and you want to make things better. I wouldn't label her as anything "sad, defensive, depressive" as it would spur more defensiveness..I must emphasize that you never belittle her condition, telling her she's selfish, tell her she shouldn't be acting that way, to cheer up, etc... it will all spur negative reactions. If she really is depressed, she won't just 'cheer up'.. unfortunately, she will need some help.You could suggest to do things for her that might help her feel better.It will be hard but don't give up, you obviously love your wife very much!I'm glad that you came looking for help, and I'm sorry that I can't be of much use. Try not to push her in a corner with any of your questions, (like, too many all at once) and try to gain her confidence once more. Right now, all you can do is be there for her and let her know that you're worried and you love her, and she might open up to you.. I don't think it will be effective sending her to a doctor right away (she only went once, right?) until you get her to understand that it's because you really want to help and you gain her trust. I doubt she would continue to go to someone to treat something she doesn't believe she has or is in denial about. If you say she wasn't like this before though, I strongly think it might be related to the move...You guys can work through this together, and I'm sorry if nothing I say helps. Hang in there, and keep trying! It might be helpful to look up anxiety disorders and depression, and maybe PTSD.
    Darken 9 Replies
    • October 10, 2007
    • 06:23 PM
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  • I'm not sure if she realizes she has a problem. It's difficult if the person is in denial. She sounds pretty stubborn. I think you need to try a lot of reverse psychology on her. Since you know her better, you know a few things you can do, also, since you were a counselor, you know you and she need counseling if this marriage is going to last. I don't see her as buying in to the marriage and working together for the family. Maybe you need to take some fun classes and do some fun things for yourself. Maybe you could do some fun things on the weekends with her; get her out socially; plan something every weekend. Take her on a date without the baby so she'll have to dress up. Well, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.
    Monsterlove 2921 Replies
    • October 14, 2007
    • 08:00 AM
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