For around about a year now, although with some symptoms lasting longer than I can remember, I have been feeling... odd.
Here are some things that make me suspect this is probably depression and anxiety:
- I having trouble getting to sleep.
- I feel anxious at stress and I am concerned if something serious has happened.
- I am having real trouble concentrating, which is really affecting my ability to study.
- My memory is deteriorating.
- I am experiencing 'brain fog'.
- I have very low energy levels.
However, there are some other things which concern me which could be more than depression. For instance, I sometimes taste ash on my tongue, like I have just been smoking, even though I could be nowhere near anything burning (I do not smoke, and have never). Sometimes I have this weird concentrated burning sensation on my skin, usually on my arms or chest (and its skin, not heartburn).
I feel general apathy for my friends and family. When I am with them, usually I just want to be left alone, as they are loud, annoying and just... too... something. When I am alone, I feel left out or abandoned. Paradoxical really. I don't despise them or feel contempt towards them- sometimes I don't mind their company- but there is little emotional connection. I have an extremely hard time being intimate with people. If there's a really emotional scene in a movie, I can't bring myself to watch it because... I don't know.
I react (to some extent) in a normal way. If I see something I know to be funny, then I laugh. But, yet again, there is no emotional connection. I don't 'feel good'. Unless it has a strong taste or odor, food means very little to me, yet I constantly feel hungry for no reason. I suspect this is more my diet that psychological though.
Having said that, I often find myself making weird facial expressions or tripping over my words, saying 'weave' instead of 'word'. Once I was trying to look sympathetic, and I caught myself in the mirror and I actually looked like I was grimacing. Unintentionally.
Usually I characterize a good day with how well I am able to react as a normal happy person. This means I able to socialize, laugh, and I feel energetic. But I do not feel happy. I just am happy, if that makes any kind of sense.
So, to sum up that very boring and tedious rant, I am generally confused about the state of my mental health. But not enough to go and actually talk to anyone obviously...