Sry if this is a little long winded... apperantly its not easy summarising your feelings, uhmmm... Anyway...
As a child I can only remember having two 'modes' either flat out playing, running, skateboarding, cycling or anything outside of the house that didnt involve sitting still equaled me Happy! OR, when I was home having lunch / dinner / going to bed etc, essentially any situation that forced constraint clashed with an intense need to keep 'charged' (only way I can describe it) and manifested itself in different ways dependant on my level of anxity:
At home - less anxious but still aware of it, my energy came out as deep rage / temper tantrums / frustration / throat clicks and screeches / involuntary movements (which my father once described as me trying to climb up my own nose) accompanyied by under-lying feelings of what I would now recognise as depression.
Public places / social gatherings / schooling etc – varying degrees of quite bad anxiety. I became/become withdrawn, quite and lack focus and attention. Generally scared of what others thought of me / hightened sense of how others act and react to stimuli
Regaudless of situation, it seems like I need a high level of constant stimulation to maintain focus, relieve anxiety and deal with my pent up energy. The anxiety made me too scared and unable to relate how I felt resulting in being told / presumed I dont apply myself. Thought of / treated as; not that bright... well thats how it felt anyway, espically in a learning environment. I became so accoustomed to hiding these issues even my parents were unawear of the extremities and anyone else; special needs tutors, teachers, doctor etc only seen what I wanted them to see.
At school I suppressed all my 'strangness' by continuously day dreaming and doing little work, it was too hard to concentrate and better than the alternitive... what the ***l would other people think if they happed to see any of my mannerisms? All I wanted to do was move and be active. I was generally treated as a slow learner, borderline special needs. Dyslexic... apperantly These problems stayed with me, to a lesser extent, through high school. Nowadays, if I want to concentrate I need to make the subject an obsession, otherwise I do a half assed job of it / will not understand it or more often than not, don't do it at all. Since then I have tried, unsuccessfully, to complete 3 different degree courses and now I am enrolled on a part-time distance learning degree and trying very hard to focus the mind. I cant organise / plan somtimes the most simple of activities. Thoughts and data in my head seems almost unconnected, theres a wealth of information up there I just cant access it easily. Similar feeling experianced when a word is 'on the tip of your tounge', only I experiance it to a high degree in my thoughts. As soon as I cant link it together my mind flits to the next topic / subject... I need focus!. It all gets a bit frustrating.
Since my mid teens there has been a histroy of addictive behavour to drink and drugs and general dangerous behaviour. Been on different anti d meds; beta blockers - did nothing / Efexor XL - did nothing and one other i cant remember the name of did nothing for me. I am now on a tricyclic which has helped my anxiety but feels like it holds me back or weights me down or somthing. For the last 8 months I have been leading a very healthy life style with a balanced diet and plenty of excerise combined with strength training. Now, at 28, deep rage / temper / frustration / occational throat clicks / some involuntary movements but mostly depression have surfaced now there's no addictions to hide behind!:D Where next...?
Think Ive an idea what my problem would be classed as... so Iam looking to know what others think from thier perscecpive.
If you could be **s'd reading this... I know I wouldn't be! but anyway what do you think?