My name is Justy and I have suffered with BPD for a number of years. I was diagnosed in January 2008 but since then, things are not getting any better. I have been put on medication, which doesn't feel like it's working.
I still suffer with OCD (which has not been diagnosed) especially when it comes to numbers. I have an obsession with the number 22. Everytime I see it, I feel something bad is on it's way and when I am proved right (i.e. I see the number 22 before I leave to go to the shop and end up bumping into someone I don't get on with and end up having an argument) it only heightens my fear of the number 22 or two 2's. I also count EVERYTHING, from my foot steps to corners on a picture frame, and if numbers are together (i.e. the digital clock says 3:45) I will do every maths sum possible in my head until I see new numbers. When I am nervous, scared or worried, I tend to count more and more.
I also suffer with constant panic attacks. My adrenaline seems to flow 24/7 and my blood pressure is suffering form this.
My BPD is a big part in my life. I could wake up one morning feeling on top of the world...and within an hour or two, I'm ready to kick someone's head in. My relationships suffer extremely because of this, as I struggle with emotions. I fall in love way to easily/quickly and as soon as I feel loved, I do everything in my power to terminate the relationship. I do not know why. Every partner I have had I have either accused of cheating on me or I think/feel they are/will.
I also have a tendency to look at new partners and be reminded of old ones. This grinds my gears the most because I want to love Person B but every time I look at them, I'm reminded of/I see Person A. When my relationships 'flow normally' I'm convinced the other person is bored of me. I feel the need to be the perfect girlfriend/housewife/mother/life and soul of the party all the time and when I can not 'act my role' I feel like I'm useless or not worthy.
I constantly contemplate suicide. I have tried so many times since the age of 11/12. I haven't attempted it for nearly 7 years now, but the thoughts are still there. "Wouldn't the world be better off without me? Why am I even here? I can't deal with these thoughts/feelings/emotional roller coaster's any more, I need to end it all" Thankfully, I have a child that is my world and I would never leave them in any shape or form so the reality overcomes the daily thoughts.
But it's the constant emotional battle within myself that gets to me the most. I would love to feel just one feeling, all day.
Not sadness/lonelyness/happiness/excitement/hate/anger every hour. It just gets too much. And when you know others around you suffer from your mental health, it makes you feel lower. I have never fully understood my diagnoses. I have been to therapy but talking about the past and why I am the way I am makes me feel worse, so I always end up giving up. I find it hard to hold down a job because my emotions conflict with what I am meant to be doing. I have days when all I want to do is clean my house and other days I just want to lay in bed. I feel the need/urge to help others, but if they do not need/want my help, I feel rejected. I have a huge fear of rejection (doesn't every body?) as it makes me feel wrong/bad/not worthy.
I know we all have hard/tough times, believe me, I have had my share tenfold, but am I the only one who constantly thinks "I don't want to play this 'life' game any more" ? I hope not...but in a way I hope I do because maybe if I feel this way, no one else will and therefore I am doing some good in this world. No, I doubt it very much, but one can dream.
I doubt anyone will even read this...I don't blame them, I would look at this essay and think "no, I can't be bothered to read that."
So if you have reached the end, well done!
Rant over, Justy over and out!
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