As the title says, I've pretty much just turned 19 (this month, in fact) but for at least the past 2 years, I've been suffering the following:
- Headaches from mild to severe, at LEAST every couple of weeks, luckily the severe ones are only every few months.
- Constant Backache due to my large breasts (36J in UK, 36M in US) which have caused my spine to curve. Doctor sent me to the Gym a few months ago, but that only made it worse. Before I could avoid the ache with minimal movment, but now even sitting hurts it. The only time I have relief is if I've spent a few days in bed, so that my spine has time to rest. The smallest bit of labour (like changing sheets on the bed) leaves me in agony and near tears.
- Joint Pains all over my body. Mainly my fingers, wrists, knees, hips & sometimes I get a stiff neck, but that's been mostly recently. When the weather changes, or my Nan puts the heating on while I'm asleep, my fingers become hard to move, like they are swollen, but they don't actually swell. My knees get a horrible sharp pain every so often, it feels like someone is stabbing something under my kneecap, but it only lasts about 20 seconds, and then it's weak, like it will give in if I put weight on it.
My hip joints hurt during sex. A few mins in, it feels like my leg is going to pop out of the socket, a weird pressure/pain, and it gets worse and worse, until I have to stop - It doesn't matter what position we are in.
- Extreme Fatigue all the time. I'm always tired, no matter how much, or how little I sleep. This along with my back pain, makes the simplest of house hold chores a painful challenge. People say "maybe you are tired because you don't do anything!" but they don't understand that it physically and mentally hurts.
- Anxiety & Depression has been the biggest problem, even over my back pain. Sad is pretty much my default emotion now. I can be happy, but if there is nothing keeping me happy I just go straight back to being sad... A middle ground is rare and confusing when it happens. Even being happy makes me slightly sad, as when I laugh, tears start forming and then I realize... I don't even know what I realize, but things just change... I don't know how to explain.
I get angry so easily, and my poor partner... He's so perfect. He never takes what I say in anger to heart, he says he knows it's not him and he just wants to make me happy. Which is why I feel so guilty when I wish I'd never woken up, ever. I sometimes wish I was dead, not suicide, I don't feel like I want to kill myself, but instead wish that I just wasn't here anymore. I don't want to leave my partner or family but I can't stand feeling like this all the time either.
And thats all just the depression (I've had it since I was 13) but the anxiety has just as much impact on what should be my every day life.
I get so worried to leave my house, I feel like someone, anyone, will hurt me, or try to, and no one will help me. I feel dizzy and numb when I'm walking down the street, and everything looks and sounds further away, yet closer at the same time (if that makes sense) and I feel sick when I get home. I get a horrible, hurtful sinking feeling that makes me want to cry at the mere thought of leaving the house. I don't feel safe.
Also, at night, I'm terrified that someone will try to break into our house, and beat/rape/murder me and my family. If I hear the slightest "off" noise I freak out, I can't help it... If my partner isn't here, I'll wake my Nan up to come downstairs with me - I know how pathetic that is, but I feel genuine fear for my safety at those points!
- Selective Eating Disorder (SED)... This one is a little harder to explain, most people just think I'm fussy... Basically, it's like OCD but with food... Certain smells, textures, or looks of food make me physically gag when I try to eat them. I may even like the way it tastes, but if the texture is off, then my body reacts and I physically can't swallow it, for the risk of throwing up or freaking out and crying. I will also go through phases where I will eat 1 thing for months on end and then go off of it and find something else.
This affects my health a lot, as I basically live on noodles, cereals and bread&butter sandwiches. I used to eat a lot of crisps too, to fill in the gaps, but not any more.
- Mild OCD, I say mild, because although I'm very particular and get easily discomforted if things aren't "right" it doesn't really impact my life, because I've just learned to live with the quarks, and it's the only way I know how to live. Examples - If things don't smell clean, they aren'y clean, if things feel greasy they aren't clean, if things aren't spotless, then they aren't clean. Keep in mind, the things I smell, and the grease I feel on these things are usually not shared, as in, no one else can smell/feel it... But I know it's there and I can't wear/eat off those things. Clothes have to be washed every so often weather they are worn or not, because they get greasy... greasy things make me cry. Specially if the feeling gets on the palms of my hands, i freak out, I only touch things with my finger tips, unless i need to use my whole hand.
- Breast pain, as I mentioned before, I have stupidly large breasts (natural, not implants, why any woman would do this to themselves I don't know!) and they frequently cause me discomfort. A lot more recently though, they've both been getting very sore, and tender and achy. The whole insides of my breasts. But when they are not sore, the nipples are ALWAYS sore, and have been for a few months now. I'm not pregnant, did a test today because I've also been getting light headed and feeling sick just above my stomach.
So, I'm pretty sure that's all the main things. There's more to each problem than I've written, but I'll answer questions if you want more specifics.
I have been to my doctor, but like I said, leaving the house is a big deal for me, so I rarely go. Last time I went was before chrismas, I was going to tell him all these problems, he said he only had time for 2, so I targeted my back and my depression as the main ones, and he sent me to the gym for my back, which only made it worse, and said he was going to contact the adult mental health people for my depression, and that I'd get a letter... Still havn't heard anything for that :/ I even asked him about it a few weeks later on the phone and he said that he'd contacted them and I'd get the letter soon... I've not been since, because I feel like they will think I'm a hypochondriac.
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