Many years after I was married I was misdiagnosed with BI POLAR DISEASE.
I couldn't tell anyone the real reason why I was unhappy.
I was happy before my marriage.Before I got married my then fiancee was violent so I broke off my engagement.I was hesitant to tell my parents that he was violent as I felt they would not understand why...he had learnt that there was someone else I had loved before him...my parents did not know.
He came back the next day(after I broke it off) and in a staged suicide atttempt ran the car into the telegraph pole outside my home.
I was just 19 and my religious/prudish parents were strict so when they found a perscription of The Pill with my name on it in the glove box of his car ...when they cleaned it out to be towed away by tow truck driver....(after the ambualnce came and I went in it with my injured ex fiancee) and the script had my name on it they decided that they wanted me to 'get married right away'
I always obeyed them so I did what they wanted even though I knew my husband to be was not right for me and had a violent streak.
He was controlling right from the start and I hated being told what to do all the time I had no rights at all.
I had three children by the time I was 24 and I had no help at all and no emotional support and I felt unable to tell anyone of my plight.
In the 10th year I had to do something so a friend who had told me she was on antidepressants and the way they changed her life inspired me to think that if I too took them perhaps my sorry marriage would not seem so bad.
I went to her doctor and when he asked me why I was 'unhappy'I answered that I was sad for 'no reason at all.'
I was ashamed to tell the truth.
He gave me pills and then more pills and I had bad reaction to them...they made me think of killing myself...that is actually a side effect of them...I did not feel like it before the pills but in those years I did not know about adverse side effects.
I went from low dose to high dose and got sicker and sicker...I tried to kill myself more than once....they put me in hospital and I felt safe there as I was away from my husband.I liked hospital ,unlike home people were nice to me there.
I became agrophobic and anorexic...I had numerous operations due to the side effects of the pills...growth on liver...tumour on thyroid(non cancerous) gall stones...ovarian cysts...shaking hands and face...sleepnessness...hyperventalating...over sensitivity of light...numerous electric shock treatments...massive amount of stomach and bowel ulcers.
Finally I knew I would die if I did not change my life...they said I would definately take my own life if I stopped the pills.
My husband wanted me on pills...he even checked to make sure I swallowed them.
One doctor (THE ONE WHO TREATED THE ULCERS) TOLD ME HE THOUGH MY ULCERS WERE FROM ALL THE PILLS(33 A DAY)that stayed in my mind...I am so greatful to him...one of the receptionists in that doctors surgery made friends with me and she said (off the record) that they thought there was 'nothing wrong with me except my husband.'
By thhis time I was in mid thirties of age....knowing someone else had noticed my plight gave me a lot of strength...I decided to give up all the prescribed pills...my husband gave me ***l over that so I could not go through the withrawals at home...I had to go to a womens shelter...they were marvelous to me...they took me to a womens helth centre and I saw a psycologist who tole me I was a 'strong woman'....I opened up to her and told her everything...it took 2 weeks at the shelter to go through the withdrawals...I did it cold turkey except for some bark flower drops that a naturopath gave me.
After this process I started to eat normally again and I eventually lost all the side effects and could go outside and not hyperventilate.
I have been off all meds now for 22 years.I have only had a one week bout of bad depression in that time and that was in 1990 when I lost a very dear friend.
For the past 23 years I have not taken any pills except asprin for a mild heart problem(due to past mediacl mistratment...in my opinion.)
I divorced my husband a couple of decades ago (appprox,) and I have not looked back health-wise.
The old records say I had manic depressive disorder(now called Bi Polar disease)...I dont know how I got that diagnosis because I have never had any highs...just lows...just for a good reason...once when I sold some furniture without my husbands permission (it was too big for our kitchen) he told the doctor and the doctor thought that was a symptom of mania...I only did it without his permission as I knew he would not let me do it and it needed to be done...this was the one time I did something out of the usual...I broke free that time and made a choice myself and he made me pay by saying I was crazy because I did it...he convinced the doctor it was a wrong thing...bad thing...I did.
I got the lable...manic...but I never was.
I can't proove I dont have it but once I was on daily meds of up to 33 a day...once I had ECT A LOT...ONCE i TRIED TO DIE (CONSTANTLY FOR 5 YEARS WHILST ON MEDS FOR DEPRESSION....once I could not go to my own letter box(whilst on medications) once I could not go to the shops without having to breath into a brown paper bag....once was a long time ago...once...yes...once was long a go...a horrid time.
How could I go for almost 23 years with no hospital stays for depression? for without wanting to die?without taking any pills at all?without seeing any doctor...for 23 years for depression?(except for that one week when I lost my friend in 1990)...can someone tell me how I can undo my past wrong diagnosis?
I am stuck with it for life....but...I do not have it...I live a good and productive life...I am contented...
Listen to your heart...do not tell a doctor you are unhappy for no reason...dont say you are depressed for no reason...face the truth of the causes...past or present...dont cover up the truth...be brave...be strong...stand on your own if you must...leave your family if you must but do not lose yourself for any reason at all...you have one life...be kind to you,please.I have a happy ending (by the grace of God)I hope you have a happy ending too.
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