Discussions By Condition: Injury

I survived all of that, for this?!!!!

Posted In: Injury 7 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • August 26, 2006
  • 08:37 AM

You lived through a childhood of fear, punishment, abuse,mental anguish and sometimes thoughts or attempts to end it all. The years drag on, and each new year is never happy, but filled with a new game your sick, wicked parent surprises you with.
Did you lie,invent or alter everything imagineable, for the hope thjat nobody would find out just how terrifying,disturbing & real these unspeakable horrors were to you everyday?
The shame, guilt, fear, confusion and sadness was prevelant in me. I tried to hide it with humor, teasing, and alot of self dobut, that was disguised as confidence or self esteem.
Somehow even that wasn't the worst, It was not the beatings, followed with threats, more abuse & blame that hurt so bad, as the tool of the devil himself. Using a sibling against another, either by telling you that if you are bad that they are going to get it, or telling each of you that the other doesn't love you & that is why they blame you or lie or create the abuse for you in some way.
Hospitals, police, rages, attacks, lies, mental anguish.... is all part of your everyday life.
Now an adult, you see the damage. How has it changed your world? How do you cope? Did it corrupt you, or make yopu strong in some way?
I felt all alone for so long, & even though I have been married for 25 years to a terrific man, I feel lonesome & empty & useless alot of the time.
I would love to share experiences, insights, etc!!!!!
SURVIVOR, LEAH

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7 Replies:

  • OMG I am so sorry you had such a horrific childhood. My heart goes out to you and your siblings. I wish I could do more to help you! After reading that I just had to write you to let you know that there are people out there who do care, even though I don't know you. You should try to find a good therapist who deals in family trauma like yours, one who is very caring and suportive and one who just knows what to say to make your pain go away. I wish I had those words for you...Maybe even a hypno therapist could help. I just hope you dont turn to drugs/and or alcohol to try to excape from reality and to numb the pain, it's human nature to try to do what we can to survive, but in the long run drugs and alcohol makes everything worse by far.If you ever need to talk here is my email address mistatetrooperwife @ hotmail.com hugs to you,Stacy
    HappyHealthyGirl 26 Replies
    • February 2, 2007
    • 01:59 AM
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  • You lived through a childhood of fear, punishment, abuse,mental anguish and sometimes thoughts or attempts to end it all. Leah,My heart goes out to you. What a sad sad story. I wish I had some words to help you as well. However, sith some of the same experiences as you, there are no words to make this type of horrific upbringing go away. I did not have it as severe as you but I certainly know what mental abuse is all about. My mom was the greatest loving person in the world BUT my dad the most selfish ignorant ****k in the world. I guess my mom was always too scared to stick up for us as she never stopped any of the episodes. I used to pray, when I was a teenager, that he would just die. I didn't care how, just die! Well, that all backfired. When I was 27 and my daughter was 22 months old, my mom (56 yrs old) died of cancer. This man that I have reduced to calling my "biological sperm donor" has shot my self esteem way out of the galaxy as a pre-teen. To the point that at one time because of all the weight comments, I became anorexic. The thing is the most I ever had weighed was 140 and am 5'8! I was always told that I would have to use my "tits" to get anywhere in this world because I was so stupid! That I better give the officer , taking me for my drivers test, a BJ, because I could never pass it on my own. I wanted to be a news anchor woman and told I'd never make it with my looks. Even though my whole life, I've been told I look like Heather Locklear with brown hair. Those are just a very few of comments I'd hear from HIM. Plus all the little smug comments and heavy sighs when I would walk into the room. The rolling eyes as if I was welcome in this life time. Like I was intruding in his world. There were times I felt so useless that I just wanted to end it all. But I loved my mom and sisters so much and could not do that to them. I have been to psychiatrist and therapist. On multiple antidpresant and Bipolar meds. I had a stint where after mymom died I went out every night and drank because I felt like it was my fault she died cause I spent all those times praying that HE would die. It toook him 1 year to remarry an evil ****h he met on the internet. We sere told that she destroyed all my mothers things like her wedding ring and pictures. She turned out being very physically abusive to him! I love when life works like that. But all my physical memories of my mom are not here, I have to rely on my memory. This is getting long. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending all good thoughts your way. I am sure there are thousands of people that have gone through this but nobody likes to talk about it. I feel talking is the most theraputic for me. It took me years but I have changed all my ways. I still have very low self esteem but have a wonderful husband that loves me for me. I fight with the weight thing daily and since I've been sick lately, I have recently gained 23 lbs which is tearing me up inside. I am thankful I have my hubby and daughter. And should I ever get a phonecall that my "biological sperm donor" has died, I WILL NOT attend the funeral. And I believe that we all go to abetter place after death and I hope he can see I am not there when he is traveling down to ***l!Take care and remember, you are as good as you make yourself out to be, not what other people try to make of you....
    miserableMOE 52 Replies
    • February 2, 2007
    • 06:36 PM
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  • Hi babe, dont let the world get you down, im glad there are other people out there surviving. i myself have suffered horrific sexual abuse from the age of four until eleven by my two uncles. it used to get me realy depressed to the point of suicide, but then everything changed. i stopped letting it hurt me. i bet they really thought i'd kill myself, but im no longer using t as an excuse to be weak. im not letting that happen anymore. Im 21 now, in ireland and living my life the way I WANT TO. i love my fiance more than anything in existence and that's all i need. they can F*** off and die miserable with their horrible selves. you go and enjoy your life babe.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • February 2, 2007
    • 09:14 PM
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  • OMG these stories are so sad!! This is to the girl who's 'sperm donor' was so mean to her. Hopefully he will swim in a sea of fire when he dies! Please do not think that you wishing HIM to die made your mom die that is no way the case at all, I think HE was the reason she died. Cancer comes from the emotion 'powerless rage'. There has been many years of inner conflict, guilt, hurt, grief, resentment, confusion, and tention surrounding their deepest personal issues. They are consciously very loving, supportive and kind, but they repress their personal feelings in a long suffering low self esteem pattern. That was taken from a book I have called 'Messages from the Body' written by Narayan-Singh. What would make that man so mean and evil to you?? Words hurt much more than any physical abuse. 'Many people are full of envy and the only way they can justify their own weakness is to be constantly critizing others.Most mean people are mentally sick.'That came from a really old book written by Paul C Bragg.My heart goes out to you and your family!! I hope the days ahead bring only happiness and joy to you and your family. big hugs,Stacy
    HappyHealthyGirl 26 Replies
    • February 3, 2007
    • 06:13 PM
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  • ! This is to the girl who's 'sperm donor' was so mean to her. Hopefully he will swim in a sea of fire when he dies! Please do not think that you wishing HIM to die made your mom die that is no way the case at all, I think HE was the reason she died. Cancer comes from the emotion 'powerless rage'. There has been many years of inner conflict, guilt, hurt, grief, resentment, confusion, and tention surrounding their deepest personal issues. They are consciously very loving, supportive and kind, but they repress their personal feelings in a long suffering low self esteem pattern. That was taken from a book I have called 'Messages from the Body' written by Narayan-Singh.big hugs,StacyStacy, thanks for the hugs and very supportiv words. It will be 8 years this Thanksgiving that my mom will be gone. I suffer every day in the back of my head and the pit of my heart about her dying being my fault. i am so glad to see your positive words and I am definetly going out to look for that book. It's funny how you say she died because of him. So many people have said that to me. That she probably just gave up because there was nothing positve to live with. Somehow though if I never got married and was still living at home, maybe she would not have givin up.. I know she would of never left me on purpose. God, I miss her. Sorry, this is making me cry, hugs back to you and thanks again.
    miserableMOE 52 Replies
    • February 7, 2007
    • 04:48 PM
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  • Sweetie, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose a loved one. The one thing we do need to remember is that they are in a better place where this is no pain and they are surrounded by love. I wish I knew what to say to make you not think that you had anything to do with her death. Guilt such a draining emotion and it can have ill effects on your health. I am a quauntum biofeedback therapist so I see first hand how negative emotions effect our health. If you ever want to talk you can email me personally at mistatetrooperwife @ hotmail.com I hope every day brings you more happiness!Stacy
    HappyHealthyGirl 26 Replies
    • February 7, 2007
    • 05:15 PM
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  • I know these are posts 2 years old however I wanted to leave something for "Moe".My Aunt, a typical teenager full of angst, got into a fight with my grandfather in which she blurted out "I wish you would just drop dead" She could never know that afternoon while she was out at school Grandpa would suffer a stroke and die.For years she was in therapy because she blamed herself for his death until a very smart therapist one day asked her why she thought she was so powerful that her thoughts and/or words could cause another to die? :confused: It was a powerful turning point in her grief and therapy and she was finally able to let go and live her life.I hope this gives you food for thought, and I wish you all the best in this New Year!:D~Judi
    NotSoTweetOne 2 Replies
    • January 3, 2009
    • 06:59 PM
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