Hi, pleased to meet you all. I've come to this site in despair after years of useless consulting with a bunch of psychiatrists who would find everything and nothing wrong with me at the same time.
My problem sounds quite baffling and is difficult to describe even to me, as it encompasses a handful of symptoms which, apparently, should not be found together.
I suffer from severe depression - that's for sure. My father is badly bipolar himself, but I've yet to have a major manic episode that wasn't due to the side effects of the meds.
The question is, however much I try to treat this disease, it only gets worse. The episodes increase in frequency and severity, and last January I was put on medication again. And my doctor increased it again a month after. And again, up to the point in which I had to paste a timetable to my wall so as not to forget to take the round of five different meds that spreads all day long.
And I tell you, it's definitely not working. I sleep poorly, I hardly eat, I self-harm and always feel I'm a hairbreadth away from suicide. Worst of all - I started having hallucinations and dellusions that quite bother me. And I am losing track of time and space. One minute it's seven o'clock, the next is half past seven - and I don't know where that time's gone.
Finally, and worst of all, I've come to realise that I'm probably not entirely alone in my body. If I could ever show you my writings, you'd see that ever since early childhood there's been mention of a big evil inside me that should not be let out. A black entity that cares for no one but itself. It was never as entirely real to me as it's become this last couple of weeks, when I have started doing things and comitting acts of violence that are totally unlike me. I even threatened my father with a knife, for God's sake - and all the time I felt like I was a mere spectator, unable to hold that... Thing back.
Please help me. Am I a Schizoid? Yeah, I was a lonely kid (too bright and mature for my age), but what about the Thing? And, though I suffered severe mockery and abuse from my classmates at school, I was never ever raped, tortured or whatsoever. So why should it be DID? I'm lost for words, and my doctor wants me comitted to a mental institution. Not to complain or anything, but I think my dark side will see it as some sort of a spa and I'll come out of it completely unchanged.
Sorry to bother you all, and I apologise for the rambling, but I feel that my life is going to be taken out of my hands pretty soon, and it terrifies me so I can't even breathe right. When I am gone, and that black personality has overtaken me, I fear for my family and friends. I'd rather be done with myself long before that.