Discussions By Condition: I cannot get a diagnosis.

What is wrong with me after all?

Posted In: I cannot get a diagnosis. 5 Replies
  • Posted By: legion
  • November 30, 2008
  • 02:40 AM

Hi, pleased to meet you all. I've come to this site in despair after years of useless consulting with a bunch of psychiatrists who would find everything and nothing wrong with me at the same time.

My problem sounds quite baffling and is difficult to describe even to me, as it encompasses a handful of symptoms which, apparently, should not be found together.

I suffer from severe depression - that's for sure. My father is badly bipolar himself, but I've yet to have a major manic episode that wasn't due to the side effects of the meds.

The question is, however much I try to treat this disease, it only gets worse. The episodes increase in frequency and severity, and last January I was put on medication again. And my doctor increased it again a month after. And again, up to the point in which I had to paste a timetable to my wall so as not to forget to take the round of five different meds that spreads all day long.

And I tell you, it's definitely not working. I sleep poorly, I hardly eat, I self-harm and always feel I'm a hairbreadth away from suicide. Worst of all - I started having hallucinations and dellusions that quite bother me. And I am losing track of time and space. One minute it's seven o'clock, the next is half past seven - and I don't know where that time's gone.

Finally, and worst of all, I've come to realise that I'm probably not entirely alone in my body. If I could ever show you my writings, you'd see that ever since early childhood there's been mention of a big evil inside me that should not be let out. A black entity that cares for no one but itself. It was never as entirely real to me as it's become this last couple of weeks, when I have started doing things and comitting acts of violence that are totally unlike me. I even threatened my father with a knife, for God's sake - and all the time I felt like I was a mere spectator, unable to hold that... Thing back.

Please help me. Am I a Schizoid? Yeah, I was a lonely kid (too bright and mature for my age), but what about the Thing? And, though I suffered severe mockery and abuse from my classmates at school, I was never ever raped, tortured or whatsoever. So why should it be DID? I'm lost for words, and my doctor wants me comitted to a mental institution. Not to complain or anything, but I think my dark side will see it as some sort of a spa and I'll come out of it completely unchanged.

Sorry to bother you all, and I apologise for the rambling, but I feel that my life is going to be taken out of my hands pretty soon, and it terrifies me so I can't even breathe right. When I am gone, and that black personality has overtaken me, I fear for my family and friends. I'd rather be done with myself long before that.

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5 Replies:

  • Sorry to hear of your problems. I think your doctor is right. If you are a posible danger to yourself or others, you need to have someone else look out for you until you can regain control over yourself and your actions. Please get help.
    aquila 1263 Replies
    • December 2, 2008
    • 09:19 PM
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  • I suffer from severe depression - that's for sure. My father is badly bipolar himself, but I've yet to have a major manic episode that wasn't due to the side effects of the meds.Not everyone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder experience both swings of the pendulum. Some people tend to experience mostly depression, or mostly mania. It varies per the individuals brain chemistry. I'm lost for words, and my doctor wants me comitted to a mental institution. Not to complain or anything, but I think my dark side will see it as some sort of a spa and I'll come out of it completely unchanged. Mental institutions are actually very safe places to be. Really. They aren't like the movies, it's a safe environment where you can get let things settle down a bit and regain control so you no longer feel like a "spectator" in your own life. A hospital that specializes in mental health can also monitor your situation more carefully, and they are more likely to be able to correctly identify the problem. For example, many people who are bipolar start out only being treated for depression which doesn't produce optimal results. If you go, there is a far greater chance that you'll be able to get better results.I would listen to your doctor. The focus is on your overall well-being, so your life won't be taken out of your hands, rather it will be restored to you. It's more of a "safe haven" than an "institution."
    OnceBlue 6 Replies
    • December 2, 2008
    • 09:35 PM
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  • I have had people in my life who have spent time in psychiatric units. I have always been impressed by the kindness and compassion of the people who work in them.
    aquila 1263 Replies
    • December 3, 2008
    • 05:32 PM
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  • Legion, sorry to hear about your problems. Please look into Asperger syndrome. Google WrongPlanet and you will find a message board and articles about it. Many people with Asperger's are lonely due to being bright and mature for their age and can end up very depressed as a result of it. It's also common for people with Asperger's to have trouble sleeping and it's not uncommon to have hallucinations, delusions and other schizoid symptoms.One of the criteria for schizoid PD is that symptoms do not occur as the result of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder such as Asperger's syndrome. Some people with Asperger's have every symptom of schizoid PD so Asperger's must be ruled out before schizoid PD can be validly diagnosed.How Asperger's is different from schizoid PD:Asperger's has symptoms before age 3. People with Asperger's often have problems with nonverbal body language, eye contact, facial expressions, difficulty developing friendships with people their own age, and less spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment and interests with other people.If this sounds like you, then I recommend searching for a psychologist who has experience diagnosing adults with Asperger's syndrome. Very few psychologists and psychiatrists know much about it. It was only added as a diagnosis in the US in 1994 so if they graduated from medical school before then, they didn't learn anything about it. You can get help finding a doctor at the wrongplanet site.
    stanleybrown 29 Replies
    • December 3, 2008
    • 07:06 PM
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  • stanleybrown, be careful when you say, "It was only added as a diagnosis in the US in 1994 so if they graduated from medical school before then, they didn't learn anything about it." Doctors have to do 100 hours of continuing education every two years in order to maintain their license to practice. Autism spectrum disorders, including Asperger's, are often included within those hours. For doctors, lifelong learning is a strict requirement. FYI.
    aquila 1263 Replies
    • December 3, 2008
    • 08:03 PM
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