I would like to know if anyone has any advice for me. my doctor has reciently diagnosed me with an alchol dependancy and boderline personality disorder. I am very suiciadal for reasons i am not sure of. I had a very tramatic childhood. now i feel like my world is falling apart. It seems that i have these brief periods when life is going good and by this i mean im happy, i can function in society, i can consintrate at work, then i snap, i do things i normally wouldnt do ( example: i was totally against crack and anyone who did it. I helped my younger brother kick his addiction. only to last summer start doing the highly addictive drug myself) I was not happy with my actions and i cant pinpoint why i choose these very risky options. This is just one example of many more high risk behaviors that i have chosen over the past 9 years. Then i go through this period when i build myself up, i straighten myself out, i get a good job, things look good for a few months, then bang downward i spiral, ill start feeling depressed, unhappy with my life, the scary thing is its getting progressively worse. i was hospitalized last october for a suicide attempt, the doctor really didnt care about anything i told her, i actually had to have a nurse come in my meetings to tell her that something really was wrong. She was nice enough to put me on serequel and tell me that i had bipolar. i was attending interation groups and things seemed to be going well so they sent me home. when i went to my follow up appointment she said she wasnt sure what was wrong with me, i didnt need to go to the interation group, i just need counciling. so i went to councling things seemed fine then one night while staying at my moms i went to go and buy cigerattes at midnight the next thing i remember was like i was waking up and i was downtown standing at the bus stop and it was 11 in the morning the next day. My mother lives several miles from downtown. I had flashes that i stabbed someone and swore i could see blood on my hands and clothes. I took the bus home and my boyfriend took me back to the hospital. My doctor was on holidays and another filled in, he said i was having a psycotic episode and put me on effexor and respiradone. i was there for two weeks when i was sent home, that night my jaw locked and went to the emergancy where i was given a shot, i was instructed by my doctor to go off all medictaions. I felt fine and nothing was really discussed. The pattern of the ups and downs started again and i felt completly screwed up, i became very suicidal, i cut my wrists to the point i needed stitches they sent me home. Then this last time i took my moms heart medication. they sent me to a different hospital and i hoped that this time i could get some real help. I was let down again. The doctor told me that i didnt have bipolar that i had a substance abuse problem and borderline personality disorder and anxiety ( this she got in the ten minutes that i talked to her) i was only admitted for the weekend i was put back on effexor because i thought it worked and she asked me what i thought would help me. I started the medication That thursday, friday i went to my moms birthday party at 11 i came home but was feeling very confused and dizzy my boyfriend wasnt home and had the keys to the house. i stayed im our old truck in the back of the house until sunday morning when he came home. i slept most of the time felt to confused to walk back to my moms or to even call someone for help. i also didnt eat or drink. i slept all sunday and most of monday to. I can recall very little of the weekend and feel like a day is missing somewhere. i chose to go off the effexor after that. now i am starting to have this feeling of something bad happening, this impending doom. i am easly startled, my heart starts racing. I dont understand why all this is happening to me. things seem like there getting worse.
It would be appreatiated if anyone could offer any advise because i dont understand what is happening to me and doctors dont seem to be doing anything. Ive diagnossied by three different doctors all with three different diagnosis. As for the medications that i have been given, I feel that they have made me worse, or have done nothing.