hi i am desperate for some help as i do not know what is going on with me and to say its scary is an understatement!!
i'm a 27 year old male and since i was sixteen have had panic attacks. they have been up and down over the years in severity, from being under control and not having them for a year to 2 years then having it so i am housebound for a year too scared to walk further than the local shop! this happened in 1999 and after that i recovered quite well. - i was actually diagnosed with anxiety + depression and ocd (thoughts not ritualistic actions) but really horrible thoughts.
I was ok up until about two years ago the panic attacks came back again - with an incredible vengance and were completely unbearable this put me housebound again for a while i managed to snap out of it a bit but it was like it kept morphing into symptoms i havent had before which leads onto now - - - -
it started last october/november. i had this obsessive fear i was going to die by having a heart attack or pass out and die, to the point where it was stopping me from doing everything and my girlfreind - bless her has suffered because of this. we cant do much because i cant go anywhere we have to plan alot into going shopping or seeing friends. i went to the doctor and they prescribed me citalopram - 2 weeks ago ----this brings me to my current problem
when i started taking the ciprimil my panic worsened extremely and ocd thoughts started coming back but i also started to feel really REALLY weird. the fear of having a heart attack isnt there anymore because i would rather die than go through this - sadly ironic eh! i have been getting this overwhelming fear of losing my mind, losing control, harming myself or others. i sometimes wonder whether i am me. things sometimes dont seem real. i have wanted to tie myself to the bed because i think i will lose control and go on a killing spree and do horrible things, but i have never harmed anyone in my life!! i get intense fear but also i get anger in me that seems like it was just put there!! in some ways it feels like i am possessed!! when i get these feelings i try to hurt myself to make it go away and also i feel so guilty aboout having these thoughts i wonder if i am capabale of such attrocities and whether i am a bad person, alot of the times i hate myself. i really dont feel right.
i told the doctor all of this and he prescribed something different metazapine i think its called. it has calmed it down a bit but it is still there. i cant go on living like this and suicide is becoming more and more appealing to me i feel like i have given up i cant fight this the only thing i can do is distract myself as best i can but it never goes away for longer than an hour at most, and it is worse when it gets dark at night. i cant watch scary films or anything violent because i feel stimulated by it in a very fearfull way, and cant seem to break away from it afterwards. i find it difficult to go anywhere near knives or anything like that. i sometimes feel like i am in a horror film and im the killer or something.
i cant talk to anybody about this for obvious reasons!! and its hard posting this up.
i am trembling as i write this
the doctors dont seem to be interested in me can someone please help me out?? what is this??