Hi. My name’s Roger, I’m 35 and I would love to diagnose my condition.
I have a very domineering mother and weak father and both are extremely overprotective and old fashioned. As a child I could not invite friends home because of the embarrassment of being verbally scolded by my mother, and I could not relax socially or ‘hang out’ because my parents would monitor, restrict and negatively scrutinize my every move. I have always been very shy and unconfident and I have a disturbingly low and irrational opinion of myself. This extends particularly to women and I have never had a close female friend. I fantasize about women lots but have always been too terrified to get close to women for a profound fear of being inadequate. I have always maintained a changing circle of between 3 to 6 close male friends but have always avoided larger circles. I realise now that I have always subconsciously avoided all opportunities that have passed my way simply because I am so unconfident and terrified of ‘opening up’. I live alone and my close friends are all married or in serious relationships now, living far away; in other words I am completely socially isolated. I have no job because my self-esteem has been so low that I have long since convinced myself that I am unemployable. I have contemplated, planned and even fantasized over suicide increasingly over the last 20 years but I have never done so because I don’t have the balls! I have been sectioned and treated for depression in the past but I have the impression that my diagnosis has always been that “I am a sado” and that I just need to “get a life”. This may be the case but I have tried desperately to get a life for years now and have not succeeded. I am also very intelligent and rational. I truly believe that I am ill and that this illness is some form of personality disorder. This disorder has completely ruined my life so far. Please help!