For the past year and a half I have been subject to a collection of symptoms that have (I believe) gradually been escalating. It all started when I moved out to New York for a few months. I had no trouble falling asleep, however, the first signs of sunlight would promptly wake me up even if I had only been sleeping for 4-5 hours or had consumed sizable amounts of alcohol the night before with friends :p. This was odd because in the past I never had trouble sleeping for ~10 hours or more if I was really wiped out.
Around this time, from what I can remember, another problem emerged- one that has plagued me ever since and that I have (unsuccessfully) sought clinical help for- constipation. I would go 4-5 days without going to the bathroom, usually clogging the toilet when my time finally arrived. This problem has persisted in spite of regular exercise and very healthy diet choices.
Also during this period, I began to become more "cerebral". I was always a very extroverted kid during high school, starring in plays and musicals and generally being a pretty expressive guy. However, living in the city I began to retreat into myself, which for a time was nice as I would go on walks and be able to think deep thoughts about life, the universe, whatever.
I moved back home (still going to a small college) after only about 4 months, but ever since then each of these symptoms has intensified. I RARELY (once a month or less) remember any of my dreams, and I don't ever really feel distinctly "sleepy" or "freshly-awake". My constipation has gotten much worse, to the point where without using laxatives (Miralax, as prescribed by my doctor) I can go up to 8-9 days without a BM. HOWEVER it is important to note that while I never actually have the "urge" to go to the bathroom, I can make myself sit down and pass a few ineffective ball-like turds that look like rabbit droppings. Even with the Miralax my stools are thin and segmented.
Most debilitating have been the changes to my mind. My thought processes spin out of control, but whereas once they would hop along various topics outside of myself, nowadays they center mostly on the ways I may go about alleviating my symptoms, possible causes/triggers, etc. I have realized that these thoughts are pointless and, frankly, self-destructive; however it is impossible to focus my brain on things I need to do without getting distracted by thoughts of my ailments. Even when talking with friends I sometimes "zone out" and just start thinking about whatever, or when watching movies my mind will sometimes automatically analyzes everything and then explode out with some crazy thought process.
It is like I am trapped within my own head and unable to concentrate my energies. I do not know if this is because of the constipation. I do know that I switch between normal/depressed modes of thinking very frequently. Some days I will be completely in a fog- unmotivated, consumed by thoughts of how my own problems are devouring my life -and other days I will be as cheery and chipper as a bluebird on ecstasy. Usually I switch between these modes multiple times during the day. I wish I could just focus my mind on things other than myself, but I just can't! It's not that I'm a selfish person, in fact I despise the fact that I am so caught up inside my own head as opposed to being out with others interacting.
In general I just feel like I have much fewer emotions. I am first and foremost a musician, though nowadays even music has started to lose its charm. My dog died, my grandmother passed away, my father was diagnosed with sarkoma (and overcame it! yay!) but I felt astoundingly little during these events- I just thought about them extensively (and quickly went back to thinking about my self and my situation). I also have very little in the way of an appetite, though I love food and can easily eat when not hungry (which is a saving grace for keeping healthy while constipated, I have found).
I have also noticed that I have less bladder control (more leaky after peeing) and recently did something I have never done in the past- wet the bed.
I just want to be able to live and feel again like I used to two years ago. Sometimes I do feel like my old self- energetic, spontaneous, creative, adept at conversation; but most times I am lost in thought, relentlessly and fruitlessly introspective, cerebral and analytical to a fault. I can't focus for extended periods of time and my motivation for everything is slipping more and more (though sometimes I get short "bursts").
I also get a weird "out-of-it" feeling sometimes when I go lift weights...it's like I completely get trapped inside of my head and swirling clouds of vague "thoughts" take over for a few minutes. Usually I sit down and meditate and it is all over.
Does this sound familiar to anyone? Sorry for the gigantic post...
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