I'm a female and 23 yrs old. I have to say english is not my first language, please bear with me.
I have suicidal thoughts... But I don't want to commit suicide. Well it’s more likely I-just-want-to-die thoughts.
I kinda tell myself I-just-want-to-die every day, and I just want to die accidentally (very quick and fast), and I don't really mind and care if I die next minute, honestly.
I guess I just don’t want to end my life by my own hands.
And I don't want to have deepest emotion toward my family and friends.
I enjoy solitude and I am a very independent person, I require time for my own and I like it. I can be silence not saying a word all day long. But I don't mind chit chat or hang out with my friends and family. I can be funny and nice around them, like every normal people, but deep down I just don't want or feel like to have a real deep connection with them, because I think and believe everyone is an individual and deep down are selfish. No one would really cares about your matters, no one really wants to hear it, even family and closest friends, they all have their things to concern. They won’t truly know how you really feel even if they said I know how you feel. We all have different thoughts, feelings and personality, no things are exactly the same.
As for my relationships, I had dates and relationships but it was very short, the truth is I never attracted to any of my ex, there were no love, I guess I just want to feel what is like to be in a relationship. And I did that because I never find anyone I attracted to, I want to know if I be with them, will I find myself at least start to like them or have feelings for them. It's like my heart doesn't have any feelings and its empty. I feel like I have problems of feeling things. I can be really cold and cynical, I feel like I have no emotion inside. Normal people won’t feel like these, I started to think I am not normal. Is it a disorder ?? I really need to know.
I tried to analyze why I think that way, I find information online and I'm not sure if it's depression or not, or I have some other mental problem.
Also, I tried to fight these thoughts, like exercises, read, travel and etc. I spent a year lived in other country when I was 20, wanted to ran away from home and tried to live in difference places to see if this thoughts will go away. I did crazy things like bungee jump and skydive to make myself feel alive, but the thoughts and feelings just come back when it all ended.
I had two almost die experienced when I was away, one was tried to paraglide and fell down the slope, only my ankle was injured. Another one was experienced a real big earthquake, no one die at that night. Actually deep down I feel a little disappointed that I didn’t die in those two accidents. I feel like if I die, I don’t have to end my own life cause it is natural causes, an accident, no one can predict the future, right?!
I can say I found myself happier and felt free when I was in other country and surrounded by people I didn't know. But I feel lonely and sad back home surrounded by family and friends. After I came back home, the thoughts I-want-to-die appeared, there was a moment, the feeling was so strong and very closed, I really wanted to suicide, just end my life, but I didn't. Now those thoughts turn to I-just-want-to-die every day. And I won’t care and have any interest to know other people things and feelings. I turn to cold and selfish.
My childhood was not happy and had no love at all, I don't know if it is the reason I become like this. Here is my childhood background and it kinda long.
I have 2 sisters and I am in the middle. I can tell that I was really shy, inconfident and insecure when I was a kid. I cried a lot than the other kids and I really can say I am not smart at all, I was rather slow.
My father is not home most of the time because of his work, we are not very closed, basically is my mother raised us.
When I was around 5 yrs old, I was sexually molested by a boy in my class more than once. I told my parents about it and they told my teacher, after that it didn't happen again. However no one really "talk" to me or counsel me after this sh!t happened (It's not like a big deal to me now).
I don't know if you guys heard of "tiger mom". Well my mom is like that. She never praised me once, no hugs, and not much physical touch at all. She did beat us, insult and humiliate us when we were a kid, the reasons she did it because we were bad at homework and naughty. Our primary school had good reputation, so the homework was heavy and difficult. We all were stressed, I never did good in primary school, my exam results were bad and most of the subjects were barely pass.(It caused me think of suicide when I was around 10, I can't keep up with the homework and the class, I knew my exam results were bad).
Other than that, I didn't have friends at school when I was grade 1 to grade 3. One or two classmates would talk to me sometime but I mostly stick to my sister. But it got better when I was grade 4 as I grew up and get older, I made friends. At grade 5, I had strange thoughts that if I was happy in the morning and bad things will happen at school in the afternoon. But this thought was gone when I went to high school.
Later, when I was around 9 yrs old, my parents divorced. My sisters and I lives with my mom, we know that it was hard for her to raised us 3 of us by herself, so we wouldn't dare to do any naughty and bad things, we didn't want her to feel stress all the time. I guess it made me mature then other kids. Few years later, she did threat us that she considered to dump us because it was hard for her to raise us.
After she said that, I had weird imagination, I thought all meals, even drinks were poisoned at home by her and she will stab us to death at night when we were sleeping because she was so stressed and lost her sanity! Of course it never happened and this thought gone when I get older.
As I mention I was in the middle, I know it is common that my sisters get all the attention, care and love from my mom and relatives. It got worse when I went to a bad reputation high school that only sh!tty students end up there. I can feel my mom she looks down on me and she compares me to my older sister (til now). And it makes me started to feel I don’t need their attention, care and love, I don’t need you guys to pity me, I can still survive without all these. I didn't spend my time hung out with the bad one. I didn't ask her for any extra money or anything. I even got scholarships just to prove I wasn't like those sh!tty students.
However, she didn't care. She did say something really broke my heart when I was around 14. She said I will never be successful and I am useless all those similar insulted and humiliated words. And I swear I never love her even she is my mom. I will treat her colder and colder when I grow up. I started to have summer part-time job when I was 16 because I didn’t want to stay at home. Even I only earned very little, I gave one third of my salary to her. Just wanted to show her I am useful and I exit in this family. I deep down want her to show some care about me but it turns out I don't want her pity anymore.
And I quite positive the thoughts "I-want to-die-young" appear when I was 16. Now it turns to I-just-want-to-die.
Can you please tell me if this is a depression or not? I feel like I have other serious mental problem, disorder or whatever. I feel like l am not a normal person and don't have normal feelings like other people. Please help me, please.