my name is amanda
i have been suffer from panic attacks since i was 13 years old. I am 18 now. My story is quite long but i think it is worth the time if i can please get some answers for help! I got my first panic attack at 13 in front of my highschool. I called the ambulence and they never told me what was wrong with me but thought it would be best if i went to see a doctor in case i was sick. I never went because my mom said i did not need too. After that panic attack i kept on having thoughts about how scary it was. What if it happens again? What was it? Am i dieing? Omg i was so scared. I ended up getting it again. It so happened that it always occured in school. So i became terrified of my school! I would explain this to my mom, but would not get the answer i was hoping for. At the time my mother was going through alot. She just got over a divorce, we were being evicted many times, bankrupty, and everything else that copuld lead a mother to extreme stress! When ev er i told her about my situiation she called me crazy. I never believed i was crazy because i knew what was happening! It was real! i really felt as if i was dieing all the time! i would get dizzy, i would feel like i was being pushed into the ground, i would get cold sweats, my heart would race! So i began skipping school and doing bad things. I was going the wrong direction with myself but i did it because i was scared of school! i was scared of just about going anywhere with out thinking of having a panic attack! My mother began to lose it. She started to hit me and put me down about my situiation. She would critisize the fact that i was having panic attacks and that i might need to be medicated. My father ignored me, and my sister thought i was just crazy also. So i started to believe that i was dieing for sure and that nobody cared.:( My mother use to yell at me all the time. It was not normal yelling though. She use to chase me around the house while i was having panic attacks so she could hit me. I use to have to hide in my nbeighbors yard to stay away from her. I was terrified! i had no where to go. I couldnt leave with friends, my mother would follow me and i could definetly not go to my dads because he didnt want anything to do with me! All i had was myself. It was about a year later where i started expiriencing the world shutting down on me. I walked outside and i literally felt the sky falling down. Like everything was shrinking. I was the only one left in this world. I freaked out and told my mom. She still insited in calling me crazy.. So again i thought i was dieing. It became worse. I was not able to even step outside without feeling the sky falling. I began having nightmares where i would see the sky picking me up and i woiuld just die! i stayed in my house for 4 months and avoided PE in school. In my house i only got worse because my mother was putting me down. and yelling at me 24/7! god it was ***l. Its been 5 years since and i still have my phobia with the sky. I feel as if we live in a dome and were all trapped. I feel as if death if every where and that i have no hope in getting better because none helps me! i am finally 18 so i could see a phyciatrist now. But a of before i was not able to because my mother does not believe in them. Now i feel as if it is too late to help myself. Has my anxiety gone to far? is there any hope for me? im so scared... please help me!!!:(
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