Discussions By Condition: I cannot get a diagnosis.

Not sure WHAT i have anymore, constant anger and brain fog

Posted In: I cannot get a diagnosis. 30 Replies
  • Posted By: mr. moore
  • February 7, 2009
  • 03:03 AM

Hello. I posted something about how i thought i was having some eye problem and went to the ophtomologist. well, im fine. guess i'll have to deal with the night time sight problems. well here are the problems i've had for many years now that are turning real bad:
1) this is the worst. i have an unbelievably bad short term memory. im forgetting everything and don't seem to care anymore because i've been to so many doctors and no one knows why. my train of thought is terrible, i'll take a load of ritalin or other adhd med and will still end up talking about the most random thing, and then another, and my brain keeps jumping from topic to topic. also number 1 is my horrible brain fog. it's ever present, and it's getting worse. im at a point where i can't function without an amphetamine like vyvanse. i find myself walking randomly to different places without any idea why, and forget hanging out with friends. i can't TELL what's going on around me!! it's like i'm dreaming!
2) this is a lot less important. well to me at least. i've been having a hard time stopping myself from eating, and it's always stuff that's bad for me. and i have no energy either. so i'll try to work it off but i find myself mentally unable to keep up with my body that seems to move lightning fast even though i'm runnin pretty slowly.
3) these also don't matter but might as well tell you guys: my hands and feet are always ICY cold, no matter what season of the year it is. also, im pretty lean and limber, but i have these love handles that are always there. it's very embaressing, plus my stomach area has always been kinda bulged. and there's the man boobs that are always there too. i don't know, i probably have body dysmorphia.
4) and there's the fact that im extremely moody. mood stabalizers and antidepressants don't do much, im just always anxious and fretting. don't know why. runs in the family, im too nervous to do any therapy because i have before and it never got to the root of the problem.

im sure there are other problems i have but like i said, my memory is terrible and im in a constant state of brain fog. LITERALLY from the time i get up to the time i go to sleep it's ***l. i don't even think about sex anymore! and im a 19 year old guy!

stuff that runs in my family is mostly mental illness, by that i mean bipolar disorder and anxiety problems. the other things thyroid problems, and other assorted things. i have tried many many doctors and therapies and im at wits end. i am so depressed and find i am never "in the moment" or able to enjoy life for very long.
i went to a neurologist last week and im getting a kind of "sleep eeg test" and another "24 hour eeg test" where i where this thing on my head all day that measures my brain activity. also im getting a blood test for things like liver problems and thyroid problems and hypoglycemia. (but i had the hypoglycemia test back in october and it came out fine)

please help! thanks...

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30 Replies:

  • Sounds like Fibromyalgia. Or check out Lyme disease. There is a great new documentary on this topic called Under Our Skin. www.underourskin.com.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • February 7, 2009
    • 03:36 AM
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  • Well, I think before we rush to "help" you, it might be wise to see what your neurologist produces of diagnostic value. Realize that virtually all of the symptoms you are describing can, and very often do, result from clinical depression, bipolar disorder and other mood-related disorders. Extremely poor short-term memory is a problem that occurs in the instance of disorders such as those mentioned because the ability to properly attend to information is significantly interfered with by rumination and flight of ideas or tangential processing. In other words, you need to realize that the brain must receive information in a certain manner in order for it to be processed by the brain such that you will formulate a memory or at the very least, some degree of retention. This type of memory phenomenon is so prevalent that clincial depression is known as psuedo-dementia because the effects can be strikingly similar on initial evaluation of elderly patients concerned that they may have a disease such as Alzheimer's. When people affected by clincial depression or other mood disorder state that they feel like they have brain fog or are in a dream-like state, it's because these disorders produce changes in physiology related to the body's sensory function. How we see, taste, smell, touch and hear is very much influenced by the stability of these processes. Dysregulation is capable of producing visual, auditory and olfactory (smell) hallucinations, as well disturbances in the way things might taste or sensory disturbances of the skin. Increased appetite is also a common manifestation of people experiencing clinical depression or bipolar disorder. This is in striking contrast to the absence of energy, also a common symptom of depression, as well as decreased libido or interest in sexual interaction. You also mention body dysmorphic syndrome, which is a characteristic phenomenon often encountered in young persons and can often serve as either the underlying causative factor for the depression, or at the very least a sigificant causal factor among others. Cold extremities is again encountered in persons with these types of disorders because changes in physiology as a consequence of disorders like depression produce mild changes in microvascular blood flow at the extremities. It is a physiological alteration only and does not constitute a symptom of disease. Poor quality sleep is additionally a symptom of depression and absence of restful sleep can produce more significant stress upon the body, causing a corresponding increase in the other symptoms you describe. Once your neurologist performs the tests mentioned, they will likely recommend treatment of what is quite obviously clinical depression. Until then, I would urge you to significantly limit, if not altogether restrict yourself from the use of amphetamines. Chronic use of these products can have lasting effects that are, in some instances, irreversible. Best regards, J Cottle, MD
    JCottleMD 580 Replies
    • February 7, 2009
    • 01:42 PM
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  • Well, I think before we rush to "help" you, it might be wise to see what your neurologist produces of diagnostic value. Realize that virtually all of the symptoms you are describing can, and very often do, result from clinical depression, bipolar disorder and other mood-related disorders. Extremely poor short-term memory is a problem that occurs in the instance of disorders such as those mentioned because the ability to properly attend to information is significantly interfered with by rumination and flight of ideas or tangential processing. In other words, you need to realize that the brain must receive information in a certain manner in order for it to be processed by the brain such that you will formulate a memory or at the very least, some degree of retention. This type of memory phenomenon is so prevalent that clincial depression is known as psuedo-dementia because the effects can be strikingly similar on initial evaluation of elderly patients concerned that they may have a disease such as Alzheimer's. When people affected by clincial depression or other mood disorder state that they feel like they have brain fog or are in a dream-like state, it's because these disorders produce changes in physiology related to the body's sensory function. How we see, taste, smell, touch and hear is very much influenced by the stability of these processes. Dysregulation is capable of producing visual, auditory and olfactory (smell) hallucinations, as well disturbances in the way things might taste or sensory disturbances of the skin. Increased appetite is also a common manifestation of people experiencing clinical depression or bipolar disorder. This is in striking contrast to the absence of energy, also a common symptom of depression, as well as decreased libido or interest in sexual interaction. You also mention body dysmorphic syndrome, which is a characteristic phenomenon often encountered in young persons and can often serve as either the underlying causative factor for the depression, or at the very least a sigificant causal factor among others. Cold extremities is again encountered in persons with these types of disorders because changes in physiology as a consequence of disorders like depression produce mild changes in microvascular blood flow at the extremities. It is a physiological alteration only and does not constitute a symptom of disease. Poor quality sleep is additionally a symptom of depression and absence of restful sleep can produce more significant stress upon the body, causing a corresponding increase in the other symptoms you describe. Once your neurologist performs the tests mentioned, they will likely recommend treatment of what is quite obviously clinical depression. Until then, I would urge you to significantly limit, if not altogether restrict yourself from the use of amphetamines. Chronic use of these products can have lasting effects that are, in some instances, irreversible. Best regards, J Cottle, MD first off thanks for repyling. i HAVE been pretty depressed. but it's not something that has ever been helped with any antidepressants. it has not been helped with alternative therapies like avoiding foods you could be allergic to, it hasn't been helped with neurofeedback, it hasn't been helped with...well i could go on. basically, the whole reason i got into the it's all in your head fest is because of social anxiety disorder. it started in 2000 back when the brain fog started. i didn't know how to word how i felt and all i know is i was gullible cause i thought magic zoloft would cure me. but that has never been the case. if you could maybe give me another tip on how to deal with this. because even when im happy i still have the brain fog. believe me, i've been EXTREMELY suicidally depressed before, and i DO know what your talking about, with the fog. but this is completely different. its always present, and when i got off the medication that was causing my suicidal depression, THAT fog went away. but this brain fog, the constant confusion and anxiety it gives me, is not depressing but it IS distressing. so yeah i guess i'll have to wait and see what happens but please don't jump on the depression diagnosis because i've gone through too much and know what is wrong with my body.
    mr. moore 30 Replies
    • February 7, 2009
    • 04:57 PM
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  • Well, it's not a matter of "jumping" on a diagnosis. I've been a physician for more than 40 years and I've reviewed your symptoms, which are strikingly similar to thousands of other patients I've treated. You need to realize that clinical depression can reach levels to induce physical symptoms, but it doesn't mean that you now have a underlying physical disease. Zoloft is not the answer for everyone with clinical depression. There are a broad range of drugs that are able to be tailored to each patient's particular response. Simply trying one therapeutic agent and not experiencing any positive effect does not conclude that such treatment does not work. Again, I'd suggest waiting to see what your neurologist recommends and then follow their advice. Best regards, J Cottle, MD
    JCottleMD 580 Replies
    • February 7, 2009
    • 07:52 PM
    • 0
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  • believe it or not, i've been on every anti depressant every made except for lexapro, since around 2001. throw in the other mind "correcting" drugs, the only ones that have given me relief are the adhd meds and clonopin. thats it.
    mr. moore 30 Replies
    • February 7, 2009
    • 10:15 PM
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  • Specifically share with me what you believe may actually be wrong with you and why you seem certain that the symptoms are unrelated to clinical depression? Regards, J Cottle, MD
    JCottleMD 580 Replies
    • February 7, 2009
    • 11:47 PM
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  • listen, J Cottle "MD" i think if you've been a doctor for a long time im sure you have heard of being open minded right? i know what i have can't be JUST depression because of all the personal anguish i've gone through to overcome it only to come at a ****ing dead end. all the hours upon hours i've spent reading pointless self help books, because i thought it was all in my head. if what is going on with me is truly in my head, and i wasn't open minded, the pain and confusion i feel daily would send me to do something drastic and irrational. all i know is that i dread waking up every day.
    mr. moore 30 Replies
    • February 8, 2009
    • 04:15 AM
    • 0
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  • Sounds like depression to me,and it's Klonopin,not clonopin.
    richard wayne2b 1232 Replies
    • February 8, 2009
    • 01:28 PM
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  • Have you been tested for metabolic disorders? They can affect the things you have discussed.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • February 8, 2009
    • 08:25 PM
    • 0
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  • Have you been tested for metabolic disorders? They can affect the things you have discussed.i have a feeling i probably have, been tested that is. at least im sure the doctors would of picked it up, with the yearly blood tests i used to have back when i had strep throat all the time. my mom told me that um the thyroid problem was tested for me years ago and i was ok or something, but im at a point now where SOMETHING definitely is not right. why todayat work i felt like i was going crazy, no anti anxiety meds, or with them, im so nervous that something bad is going to happen that im not ready for. the reason is because: im in a constant daze. you'd be nervous too...
    mr. moore 30 Replies
    • February 9, 2009
    • 01:07 AM
    • 0
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  • I can assure you that Dr.Cottle didn't write that.
    richard wayne2b 1232 Replies
    • February 9, 2009
    • 02:13 AM
    • 0
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  • I can assure you that Dr.Cottle didn't write that.write what? ive been on other sites like this and been duped a LOT i just have a hard time believing doctors with MDs that are trusted and hard working would be on a site like this. i dunno.
    mr. moore 30 Replies
    • February 9, 2009
    • 04:42 PM
    • 0
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  • We're both retired.
    richard wayne2b 1232 Replies
    • February 9, 2009
    • 05:21 PM
    • 0
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  • Read what TipsyGypsy wrote.
    richard wayne2b 1232 Replies
    • February 9, 2009
    • 05:23 PM
    • 0
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  • I have no opinion on your depression, because I am not a doctor, but I assure you that dr Cottle and Richard Wayne2b are both doctors. They have been on this forum for quite a while and we know them well. So please take it easy.
    Felsen 510 Replies
    • February 9, 2009
    • 11:44 PM
    • 0
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  • Mr. Moore, My comments in response to your inquiry are merely based upon the information you've provided. As a retired physician, I merely donate a portion of my time to the forum for the purpose of providing information and guidance relative to medical questions. I receive no compensation for my participation on the forum as well, so there is no underlying motive as part of my response to your questions. One of the most challenging issues that face people who are experiencing clinical depression is using a rationale under the influence of the disorder to create perspectives or logical assumptions about what may be taking place with regard to one's health or emotional status. It's analgous to relying upon a compass for direction that is not pointing true north. I'm simply stating here that judgment becomes impaired without a person sometimes realizing it. By suggesting that your symptoms are strikingly similar to other persons with significant clinical depression, I am only stating that if an underlying physical cause is not present, then you should realize that disorders such as clinical depression can produce sometimes dramatic physical symptoms that can cause the affected person to feel tremedously ill. It's very natural to become both afraid and frustrated, even angry, that a physical cause cannot be identified for symptoms that continue relentlessly and for which medications seem to have no effect. Realize, however, that depending upon environmental circumstances, or in other words if you are exposed daily to the issues which may be directly related to your difficulties, then no amount of medication can overcome it. People with depression feel trapped because there is a natural progression toward limited options due to rigid thought and rejection of alternatives. It can produce extreme resentment and feelings of persecution as though negative events unfolding outside the control of the person are intentional or being directed toward the person with a frequency well beyond mere chance, to the extent that everything falls under scrutiny which is primarily negative. People with significant depression also have difficulty trusting in others, feeling as though that they are being let down, ignored, or otherwise turned away, despite the fact that they desire help. Immense anger oftentimes develops from rumination in the form of thoughts which are not acted upon. In other words, people with significant depression often think of doing very bad things and perform rehearsal of scenes wherein they take action against others as a means to reduce internal tension and stress of frustrations, together with sensations of feeling trapped or hopeless. And let me suggest here that self-help books are in reality, only fotter on paper that tells you what you want to hear. In other words, people develop admiration for books that speak their language, that induce inspiration, or otherwise generate a sort of kindred spirit with the author and theme of the book. These books and the self-help paradigm in general, instills a sense of relief in its readers that is perceived as therapeutic or cathartic. Do you see what I mean here? In other words, this kind to text would not have a positive effect upon a person suffering from clinical depression. It's meant for folks that may simply be having difficulty with motivation, or social apprehension, melancholy or other frames of mood that do not represent clinical disorders. They are not considered any form of professional treatment. So what I suppose I'm driving at here is that you may want to step back from everything for just a moment and realize that there are indeed treatment alternatives available that can break even the most resistant forms of clinical depression. It's also important for you to realize that I'm not speaking about this disorder as though it represents something "merely all in your head." Clinical depression is a serious disorder and I certainly don't have to tell you that it can have a tremendously detrimental impact on a person's life. If you happen to live anywhere near a medical university hospital, then you may want to seek evaluation to determine if their healthcare team can offer you not only tests to exclude physical disease, but a positive direction in obtaining treatment that actually produces positive results. I'll continue to provide you with assistance if you wish, or you can seek help from another source if you are having trust issues. It's entirely your choice. Best regards, J Cottle, MD
    JCottleMD 580 Replies
    • February 10, 2009
    • 02:03 AM
    • 0
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  • im sorry i doubted you that was definitely not something someone my age would of wrote jcottle. im feeling a tad better now, i just had to force myself to get angry at something online, particularly about how no one my age gets my humor. but that's not important right now. the only reason i seem desperate is because there is something that is bugging me always i don't know what...it's like eating away. some things make me wonder. for instance, i think i'm OCD because i have to stretch my legs a lot, like every half hour it seems. i do excersize but they always seem to ache, in the muscle behind the knee cap. i don't know why. but i don't complain about it. which is why asking for help in general pains me because im used to keeping it inside. but it's getting redundant looking for answers to my severe brain fog and memory problems, because i get my hopes WAY UP HERE then they fall down and im in my bedroom staring at nothing because i feel as if im crazy (schizophrenia ruled out).so now im juggling my increasingly crazy thoughts of helplessness with things that at this point seem compltely pointless, like school and work and relationships, compared to how i feel. i tried explaining it to my therapist(s) and they said it's derealization, caused by anxiety. NO. antianxiety pills, excersizing, meditation, sleeping right...it's STILL THERE. even with adhd meds, lithium, antidepressants...or NO medication. and im trying to think of other things. this may be one of the few times im more clear headed and positive so please don't take things i say too personally im just in a lot of pain. thank you.
    mr. moore 30 Replies
    • February 10, 2009
    • 05:20 AM
    • 0
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  • im sorry i doubted you that was definitely not something someone my age would of wrote jcottle. im feeling a tad better now, i just had to force myself to get angry at something online, particularly about how no one my age gets my humor. but that's not important right now. the only reason i seem desperate is because there is something that is bugging me always i don't know what...it's like eating away. some things make me wonder. for instance, i think i'm OCD because i have to stretch my legs a lot, like every half hour it seems. i do excersize but they always seem to ache, in the muscle behind the knee cap. i don't know why. but i don't complain about it. which is why asking for help in general pains me because im used to keeping it inside. but it's getting redundant looking for answers to my severe brain fog and memory problems, because i get my hopes WAY UP HERE then they fall down and im in my bedroom staring at nothing because i feel as if im crazy (schizophrenia ruled out).so now im juggling my increasingly crazy thoughts of helplessness with things that at this point seem compltely pointless, like school and work and relationships, compared to how i feel. i tried explaining it to my therapist(s) and they said it's derealization, caused by anxiety. NO. antianxiety pills, excersizing, meditation, sleeping right...it's STILL THERE. even with adhd meds, lithium, antidepressants...or NO medication. and im trying to think of other things. this may be one of the few times im more clear headed and positive so please don't take things i say too personally im just in a lot of pain. thank you. Mr Moore, I think that Dr Cottle would be a good place to put your trust and will have a far higher payoff ratio than most. If he is wrong it will be at least a knowledgeable wrong, not a fringe belief system that has little chance of being helpful. There has been a lot of unwarrented and misplaced hostility around of late.
    Freddd 3576 Replies
    • February 10, 2009
    • 11:13 PM
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  • Mr. Moore, I certainly understand your position. Realize that in many cases, people experiencing difficulty can sometimes withdraw to the extent that they try to solve their problems using perspectives that are strongly biased. Let's use the example of your mention that you think you might have OCD to better illustrate what I mean. The need to constantly stretch your legs could represent an obsessive compulsory activity, but would have to take form in the manner of say, worrying that you'll suffer paralysis if you don't constantly stretch your legs in a very precise and consistent form such that is reduces your worry in that regard. Do you see how my example would apply? Simple repetitive actions do not necessarily constitute obsessive compulsive disorder unless they are forumulated to reduce anxiety about situations or life experiences. Many people with true OCD live extremely ritualistic lives, where everything must be in order such that it precludes the increase in intensity of unwanted obsessive thought patterns. Does that make sense? I would more suspect that the need to constantly stretch your legs in this instance is the consequence of motor agitation, wherein people who are affected by this feel the need to move or stretch their legs and possibly other muscle groups because it it feels like energy building up that results in a sort of restlessness that won't stop. People who are experiencing clinical depression have a high incidence of motor agitation and/or muscular tension and tendonitis. Any of these factors are more likely responsible for your symptoms. Also realize that as people with clinical depression struggle to make sense of all their unpredictable thought patterns and physical symptoms, they tend to develop a high degree of introspective thought that can sometimes form something called over-intellectualization. This phenomenon occurs because it represents a sort of departure from normal social engagement to a more highly evolved perspective and vigilence centered around their life difficulties. As a consequence, the attempt to introduce humor among peers within a group setting or even a single individual likely will produce a rather perplexing glance by others as not being very relevant to baseline standards of humor. This may be why you sense that people don't understand you or your brand of humor. It incidentally makes me wonder whether the chosen username of Mr. Moore has an underlying theme or is simply your name. I would not have thought your symptoms to be related to schizophrenia as well because I see no evidence of patterns known as word salad or a departure from reality to the extent that it would raise questions in that regard. It's important to understand, however, that clinical depression has the potential to produce something called brief psychosis, wherein odd behavior can exist and is often misdiagnosed as a schizophrenaform disorder. Why don't you tell me a little something about school and your relationships if you care to and why they seem pointless in your estimation? I would also like to ask why you characterize your thoughts as crazy? If indeed you are suffering from clinical depression, then your thoughts are not crazy at all, but rather to be expected under the circumstances. Most importantly, you should realize that you are not as bad off as you might think, for in my professional history I have observed cases of clinical depression with symptoms that would astound you with disbelief. You seem like a bright young person with the ability to express yourself quite well. It's understandable that you're both angry and frustrated, but you should understand that effective help is indeed available and many physicians are quick to the draw with medication that I don't necessarily agree is warranted in all instances. You might benefit from being able to simply discuss your views and difficulties with someone able to listen and share a variety of alternatives, some of which might appeal to you. Change is never external as you well know, and the path to finding yourself free from brain fog, aches and pains, general unrest and a good deal of tension is something that must be first recognized internally. As I said, you're not as far down as you might believe and being able to talk with a professional, not a psychiatrist by the way, would likely bring better results initially than to try and simply drug you out of feeling anything at all, wouldn't you agree? I think you have a lot going for yourself, you just need some help finding a little relief from all that is happening to you. If it's later determined that you might could benefit from the use of certain medications, then you'll be able to contribute to such a decision with a clearer mind and a support network to keep you from feeling like you have to deal with all of it by yourself. I think you're going to be okay. We'll talk more if you wish. Best regards, J Cottle, MD
    JCottleMD 580 Replies
    • February 11, 2009
    • 01:28 AM
    • 0
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  • Mr. Moore, I certainly understand your position. Realize that in many cases, people experiencing difficulty can sometimes withdraw to the extent that they try to solve their problems using perspectives that are strongly biased. Let's use the example of your mention that you think you might have OCD to better illustrate what I mean. The need to constantly stretch your legs could represent an obsessive compulsory activity, but would have to take form in the manner of say, worrying that you'll suffer paralysis if you don't constantly stretch your legs in a very precise and consistent form such that is reduces your worry in that regard. Do you see how my example would apply? Simple repetitive actions do not necessarily constitute obsessive compulsive disorder unless they are forumulated to reduce anxiety about situations or life experiences. Many people with true OCD live extremely ritualistic lives, where everything must be in order such that it precludes the increase in intensity of unwanted obsessive thought patterns. Does that make sense? I would more suspect that the need to constantly stretch your legs in this instance is the consequence of motor agitation, wherein people who are affected by this feel the need to move or stretch their legs and possibly other muscle groups because it it feels like energy building up that results in a sort of restlessness that won't stop. People who are experiencing clinical depression have a high incidence of motor agitation and/or muscular tension and tendonitis. Any of these factors are more likely responsible for your symptoms. Also realize that as people with clinical depression struggle to make sense of all their unpredictable thought patterns and physical symptoms, they tend to develop a high degree of introspective thought that can sometimes form something called over-intellectualization. This phenomenon occurs because it represents a sort of departure from normal social engagement to a more highly evolved perspective and vigilence centered around their life difficulties. As a consequence, the attempt to introduce humor among peers within a group setting or even a single individual likely will produce a rather perplexing glance by others as not being very relevant to baseline standards of humor. This may be why you sense that people don't understand you or your brand of humor. It incidentally makes me wonder whether the chosen username of Mr. Moore has an underlying theme or is simply your name. I would not have thought your symptoms to be related to schizophrenia as well because I see no evidence of patterns known as word salad or a departure from reality to the extent that it would raise questions in that regard. It's important to understand, however, that clinical depression has the potential to produce something called brief psychosis, wherein odd behavior can exist and is often misdiagnosed as a schizophrenaform disorder. Why don't you tell me a little something about school and your relationships if you care to and why they seem pointless in your estimation? I would also like to ask why you characterize your thoughts as crazy? If indeed you are suffering from clinical depression, then your thoughts are not crazy at all, but rather to be expected under the circumstances. Most importantly, you should realize that you are not as bad off as you might think, for in my professional history I have observed cases of clinical depression with symptoms that would astound you with disbelief. You seem like a bright young person with the ability to express yourself quite well. It's understandable that you're both angry and frustrated, but you should understand that effective help is indeed available and many physicians are quick to the draw with medication that I don't necessarily agree is warranted in all instances. You might benefit from being able to simply discuss your views and difficulties with someone able to listen and share a variety of alternatives, some of which might appeal to you. Change is never external as you well know, and the path to finding yourself free from brain fog, aches and pains, general unrest and a good deal of tension is something that must be first recognized internally. As I said, you're not as far down as you might believe and being able to talk with a professional, not a psychiatrist by the way, would likely bring better results initially than to try and simply drug you out of feeling anything at all, wouldn't you agree? I think you have a lot going for yourself, you just need some help finding a little relief from all that is happening to you. If it's later determined that you might could benefit from the use of certain medications, then you'll be able to contribute to such a decision with a clearer mind and a support network to keep you from feeling like you have to deal with all of it by yourself. I think you're going to be okay. We'll talk more if you wish. Best regards, J Cottle, MDmr. moore is my name. i mean my name isn't mister, but you get the idea. since i used to study psychology OBSESSIVELY i can tell you a little about myself, im by nature a very spontaneous and, i guess you could say, almost flamboyant, but more just outspoken and curious. and i hate repetition. i have told everyone, it'll all started in 7th grade. it was also when two things happened: i was started on ritalin, and i had my tonsils out. i noticed that my anxiety ( i have always been the more anxious type then depressed, worse in my opinon...) seemed to take on a new and unique viewpoint. i noticed that i was observing people so much that i seemed to jump out from my body, as if my mind just popped out of my skull and i literally becamse obsessed with certain odd things. like people's faces and how they responed to other people who were considered weird or awkward, and tried to mimik them. i also began to feel less emotionally attatched to people, and this is when i became fearful of being found out. found out of what, i don't know. but this ability to literally observe the crap out of people and notice certain people were more aggressive, others were more talk behind the back type, and others could relate to others and empathize. i just remember i had problems staring and stared at everyone i met like my life depended on it, it became pretty common for people to be weirded out and i'd get embaressed cause i didn't mean to. then as high school came around i felt more and more unable to respond to new and different circumstances, and basically became a shell of my former self. i observed people so much that i basically stole bits and pieces of others and kind of formed how i MYSELF would react. i was extremely phobic of being rejected but mostly of being judged. i always felt i had eyes on me. it was a terrible feelings because i felt like i didn't share the same emotions as others like i was a minority (im not im white) then i becamse super depressed my senior year and could hardly focus at ALL i literally walked around in a stupor. by that time i was on antidepressants. it's also something to mention that since i was born i've gotten terrible sleep and almost have some kind of fear of sleep, cause it's me in my thoughts, all alone. plus i get so hyper. (but when i do get decent sleep or take pills, i still feel the same) will this 24 hour eeg im going through find out sleep problems? NOW im 19 and am barely keeping it together. my sleep is nothing at all to look forward too. i do notice i get very tired at odd times of the day, but that's how i've always been. i used to crave mid day naps now i just "man" my way through it. (by the way since i know about psychology i can tell you i've had nothing that would constitute abuse or awefull things happen, besides the constant anxiety i felt at school from being in a daze. i know what disasociation is) my current, and probably permanent, feeling is of perpetual day dream. i felt, inwardly, horrified today when i learned my papa in tennessee might die. he's like a second dad! but at this point i don't know. i was so sad last time i went down there, i was obsessed about being a "celiac" and avoiding foods i thought i was allergic to and praying and believing my brain fog and weird feelings were gone (they did not) and felt like everything had happened befor, i could basically TELL what people were going to say. and when they didn't i fazed it out or ignored it. im very terrified, to say the least. and again, i can only type this intelligently at night, when i feel most calm...thanks.
    mr. moore 30 Replies
    • February 11, 2009
    • 05:45 AM
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