Discussions By Condition: I cannot get a diagnosis.

My doctor thinks im lying!

Posted In: I cannot get a diagnosis. 5 Replies
  • Posted By: lindsey24
  • July 17, 2009
  • 01:25 PM

I've been aware that there is something wrong for a very long time... i can go back to when i was 9-10 year old. I have had a lot of bad things happen during my life... seems i only ever get bad luck. I have known for ages that i display all of the symptoms of bi-polar disorder... but they arent for long periods of time. I can be manic one minute, aggressive the next and suicidal straight onto dancing around the place. I always thought it was just me being an awkward horrible person. I am making my families life ***l... confusing my children who have the most attentive and playful mother on earth when im up and the nastiest, most ignorant mother when im down. I am well aware of what i am doing but cannot stop it even if i try really hard. I fly off over the most simple things some days and am just not bothered on others. I have times where i dont want to spend any money and will save... then i just blow it all on nothing. Last year i took out a loan for £4000 with my bank, and spent it all within a week with nothing at all to show for it. I knew i could not afford to pay it back then as i am an unemployed single mother. I get extremely depressed over my weight but cannot control my eating an never seem to get full when im down so i gain weight rapidly. The only way i can stop myself from constantly eating is to take amphetamines, which although doesnt really affect my mood ect does stop me from eating. I know this is wrong but its the only way i can lose weight. I also find that if i am up (without drugs) i do not look to eat and am not tired.... when i am down i can literally sleep for days on end. I find it difficult on times to concentrate on doing one thing and will start many different tasks and will do them all at the same time as i forget what i was doing and move on to the next. My fathers side of the family have a history of mental illness, although they are more serious (by my consideration) than me. I am stuggling and failing to be the mother that i want to be. I would love to be able to be consistant with my daughters and to stop making idealistic promises to them that i cannot keep. I ont want to spend days in bed and miss out on their life. I have told my gp all this an a lot more that i dont want to mention, but he just sits there grinning at me and says that because i dont appear to be either manic or depressed when i speak to him that he cannot get a picture... i cant just switch it on and off.... i dont chose to be emotionless when i enter the room... its like a formal and factual person creeps out and reels off the relevant information when i am around him. He refuses to beleive me an has even suggested that i am acting to try and get extra benefits.... when all i want is some help to be somewhere close to normal. I dont want "extra" benefits.... i dont want any... i want to be able to go to work, have enough money to provide for my children the things they need and to be able to responsibly keep my money without wasting it then having to struggle without any. I know there is some kind of treatment available... though im not sure what... but i am desparate to give my children a normal mother. Please.... tell me how i can get my doctor to listen to me!

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  • I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I know it probably hurts the most when it affects your children. Have they done any type of blood work? Thyriod, blood sugar, anything? You might consider and EEG. It is takes a look at the brainwaves to see of any abnormalities or asymptomatic siezures. If your gp is saying you are making it up go to another one. Check with your insurance company and see about switching doctors for a second opinion. Also, see about getting a referral to a specialist such as a psychiatrist who is more familiar with the chemical imbalances in the brain. They can also order testing and labs to be done. Consider seeking out counseling. Sometimes a truama or something of that nature can affect our lives years later and contribute to our physical symptoms as well. I know this kind of veers off of the physical aspect, but if you are not religious, you may consider seeking out services and counsel from a vibrant local church who may have the answer you are looking for. Don't give up! If you haven't already, when you are in a good frame of mind and your body is cooperating sit down with your children and try to explain that mommy is sick and that you are trying to get better, but that you love them even when times are rough. It's not them but the illness. I know you probably have already done this, but as a mother myself who has delt with undiagnosed thyroid disorder and terrible blood sugar swings, I know your feelings concerning the kids. Be encouraged, you are your advocate!:)
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • if you are not satisfied with your dr's diagnosis get a 2nd, 3rd or more dr to assess you. sometimes dr's do get it wrong they are human. i hope you get some answers.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Help me please someone... my doctor is just grinning at me like a cheshire cat... he referred me to a councillor, i waited... and waited and heard nothing.... then i had a letter asking me after months if i wanted to stay on the waiting list... being on a high at the time i was doing too many things... then i hit a low and didnt get out of bed and the deadline for the letter to be in by passed.... but a councillor isnt what i need anyway is it!? My father has come down with me and tried telling him how im hellish to cope with, but he just says "what do you want me to do then?" i keep biting my tongue wanting to staple a piece of psper to is face with "your ***n job" written on... and can actually feel myself grinning maniacly imagining it (which cant be bloody right i know). To date... in the last month i have slept for 4 consecutive days (thank god for my family and boyfriend) and have now been awake for 3 nights solid, everytime i lie in bed my head is swimming with what i would say is dreams but im fully awake and unable to stop them... and their always something that makes me want to cry... like something happening to my kids or boyfriend... when i get up i clean, or have an urge to go jogging (im an unfit 5ft2" 13 stoner) or i do a workout dvd (as i am desparate to lose weight). I havent taken drugs about 6-7 weeks as i wanted to see what i would be like without... and i find myself more depressed... tired and hopeless. Ive had a gutsful of the erratic moodswings... im sick of telling myself that im a terrible mother and promising myself that i'll be better only to shout at my kids as soon as i see them... i love my little girls more than life itself but how the ***l are they suposed to know that when i am an evil, vile person to them... i would never smack my kids... but emotionally they must be in shred... well my oldest at least... i very rarely say anything positive to hear.. though i am making a concious effort to and tell her over and over how much i love her but what use is that if its followed by "why are you so useless... just clean your ***n room". Shocking i know... im disgusted with myself.. shes only 5.. how many 5 year olds actually clean their room? Im more than disgusted with myself. Im at the point where (and im crying just writing this) i am considering asking my parents to take my girls so that i cannot screw their heads up the way mine is. Im not looking for sympathy, im writing this on here because i dont have anyone, only one of my friends would be able to talk to me without getting into a slanging match... and i cant speak to my boyfriend as he isnt the most understanding or sensitive of people and my parents would just nod and say go to the doctor... and he's just not helping. I feel like a lost child, im thinking like child who's in for a row and i just dont know what to do. I love my girls to the ends of the earth so why do i keep imagining them dying!!! Why can i actually see it like its real even though im sitting wide awake in a room on my own. Why wont my doctor help me? Will they take my kids away from me? Im lost... trapped... falling into a hole, starting to claw my way out then its like someone has their foot on my head pushing me back in... theres no way out. I want my babies, i want to hold them and tell them that their my world, i want to sit at the table in my kitchen and make play-doh animals and paint faces. I want to take them to the park like i always promise to but get to caught up in loads of different things to actually do. Why cant i just do one job at a time and finish it!? My house is a mess because i cant stand being in it yet i dont want to go out... i just sit in my mothers and scream at everyone, or i stay in bed in my house so i dont have to look at the mess. I clean it, not just tidy up...i cant do that... cleaning means taking everything apart, washing, dusting, rearranging, buying loads of different cleaning products, going through everything with a fine tooth comb, only for it to be worse that it was when i started the next day. Nothing goes right for me! Two weeks ago i bought a car... my father told me it was a bargain for £500, an xreg mondeo estate. The valve seals were hardened so it smoked in the morning... i argued with him, told him it would blow up.. he told me i int know what i was on about... it wouldnt blow up it was a brilliant car... now its a non runner... it dropped a valve! I had a loan for £4000! I spent most of it on my boyfriend ad his friends... and i took my kids on holiday... to tenby which is an hour away. £4000 and i take my kids an hours drive away, i could have taken them to disneyland for that, but i wasnt thinkng straight... had the money the one day ad was packed and gone the next... i cant pay it back! I dont understan how they gave me it in the first place... im on benefits... am a single mam, no expendible income, yet i fill in a few boxes on my lloyds online account and straight away it was in my account... i went from depressed and crying myself silly and until my eyes were raw, and scabby to manically happy as soon as i saw my account... i couldnt get out of the house quick enough to spend it. Bought my girls loads of clothes, it was around 2am in a 24hour tesco! Who does that!? Why cant i be a normal, law abiding, good, debt free, brilliant mother like i spend all day carefully making notes and plan to be (some of which include *be more patient, *dont abuse your girls, *play with your girls). I make notes of everything... write down all that i want to do because ill forget... then i throw them away when i clean because i figure i'll remember, but i always forget and have to plan everything out again. When i found out i was carrying my first daughter.... i would write down what i was going to put in her packed lunch, what we would do throughout the week on a carefully planned rota, an she wasnt even born. When i was 15 i had every item i wanted in my flat (when i could move out at 18) written down, room by room, with their argos catalogue page and number written beside them, but i didnt buy any of it, i cant think of anything that i did have from argos that is in my house... i have just taken up your time with a pile of pooh that is my life... im sorry, but i have no one else... i need help and my doctor wont listen... how do i demand a psychiatrist without sounding like im a hypochondriac (im terrified people will think im like my aunt who has every illness that people around her has... if they tell her about it.. but she doesnt do her homework and lands up sounding stupid because shes getting things all wrong) Im not acting... physically i think im fit and healthy... except the tiredness and aches when im feeling depressed, but its all in my head isnt it, the pain isnt really there... its just because im depressed isnt it, no matter how much i say it, the aches dont stop though. I must be physically healthy... when im manic i do all sorts of things girls my size generally cant, ive lugge my washing machine around the kitchen, carried my fridge freezer, dugout the whole of my 15 by 10 meter garden and reseeded it, redecorated 3 rooms in one night when my friends were over for a drink (i dont like drinking, dont like the way it makes me feel even less in control). I have won singing competitions, and other times i cant sing a note in tune, came second in a pool tournament even though i cant play and dont know the rules, spent 7 hours building a 12ft dragon out of snow... i can weight lift with my male friends and shock them all with my strength, and yet i cant even lift a glass to my lips when im feeling below depressed. I dont know who I am? I couldnt tell you what MY personality is like... whether im a moody, sarcastic, funny, happy, lovable, hateable person because my mood changes so rapidly. Im sorry... i really should shut up now... ive written waaay too much and have probably bored whoever is reading this to death, thats provided you didnt lose interest halfway through... anyway... the point in all this CRAP is...I NEED HELP and no one will help me... i have no one... except a laptop and the internet, and people who i cant see and that dont me! Please... i cant go on living in ***l, i want normality... even if its just for a little while... i just want my kids to know i really do love them... that their everything i ever wanted and more than i could ever dream of... i only have nightmares now... my dreams came true when i had my babies, now i have to deal with going through the real emotions i would feel if my imagined hellworlds werent just fiction. Maybe i should be a writer... i think i would be good at that... the things i imagine and cry, scream and want to die over are far more twisted than Stephen King himself could ever comprehend! Help me!
    lindsey24 1 Replies Flag this Response
  • oh.. what a terrible situation to be in ***sending you some hugs***...... Go to another doctor!!! Your doctor is crap. i cant believe that he hasnt even listened to your family. as far as counselling is concerned... ones with bipolar do sometimes get counselling (along with meds). A counsellor may be able to get throu to the doctor for you and make him listen that you DO have issues which need medical help. Right now you could do with a good counsellor on your side to help you to deal with a stupid doctor. Please try to sort that counseling stuff out even if past the deadline and do it ASAP (right now if you can). Try also ringing a mental health crisis line, there are emergency lines. If you put what country you are in, maybe someone can tell you the phone number of one is if you cant find one yourself. Another thing you can do is present yourself at the hospital when on a high (if you can get yourself there) or when you are in another bad state and tell the hospital exactly what you are experiencing. You NEED some treatment. Please do whatever you need to do to get help
    taniaaust1 2267 Replies Flag this Response
  • And such it is in a society of socialized universal health care
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
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