I've been aware that there is something wrong for a very long time... i can go back to when i was 9-10 year old. I have had a lot of bad things happen during my life... seems i only ever get bad luck. I have known for ages that i display all of the symptoms of bi-polar disorder... but they arent for long periods of time. I can be manic one minute, aggressive the next and suicidal straight onto dancing around the place. I always thought it was just me being an awkward horrible person. I am making my families life ***l... confusing my children who have the most attentive and playful mother on earth when im up and the nastiest, most ignorant mother when im down. I am well aware of what i am doing but cannot stop it even if i try really hard. I fly off over the most simple things some days and am just not bothered on others. I have times where i dont want to spend any money and will save... then i just blow it all on nothing. Last year i took out a loan for £4000 with my bank, and spent it all within a week with nothing at all to show for it. I knew i could not afford to pay it back then as i am an unemployed single mother. I get extremely depressed over my weight but cannot control my eating an never seem to get full when im down so i gain weight rapidly. The only way i can stop myself from constantly eating is to take amphetamines, which although doesnt really affect my mood ect does stop me from eating. I know this is wrong but its the only way i can lose weight. I also find that if i am up (without drugs) i do not look to eat and am not tired.... when i am down i can literally sleep for days on end. I find it difficult on times to concentrate on doing one thing and will start many different tasks and will do them all at the same time as i forget what i was doing and move on to the next. My fathers side of the family have a history of mental illness, although they are more serious (by my consideration) than me. I am stuggling and failing to be the mother that i want to be. I would love to be able to be consistant with my daughters and to stop making idealistic promises to them that i cannot keep. I ont want to spend days in bed and miss out on their life. I have told my gp all this an a lot more that i dont want to mention, but he just sits there grinning at me and says that because i dont appear to be either manic or depressed when i speak to him that he cannot get a picture... i cant just switch it on and off.... i dont chose to be emotionless when i enter the room... its like a formal and factual person creeps out and reels off the relevant information when i am around him. He refuses to beleive me an has even suggested that i am acting to try and get extra benefits.... when all i want is some help to be somewhere close to normal. I dont want "extra" benefits.... i dont want any... i want to be able to go to work, have enough money to provide for my children the things they need and to be able to responsibly keep my money without wasting it then having to struggle without any. I know there is some kind of treatment available... though im not sure what... but i am desparate to give my children a normal mother. Please.... tell me how i can get my doctor to listen to me!Reply Follow This Thread Stop Following This Thread Flag this Discussion
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