Here's my story. I work every other day, fast food, because if I work more than 2 days consecutively my legs start killing me... I constantly squat and rub them to stop the pain. Doctors say I'm fine and healthy, whatever. Still living with my parents, might not be for long. Had an outburst of verbally abusive anger towards them and understandably they don't want me ere anymore Hiding in my room for the past 2 days in complete silence, don't want to disturb them anymore. Never feel motivated enough to even clean my room, but when it comes to video games I'll do everything. I behave this way at work too, highly annoyed by simple things and express myself in very negative attitudes and words.
I hurt my parents so bad that I listen for hours, waiting for them to go to bed or leave before I grab food or a drink because I don't want to present myself in front of them and accidentally force any negativity out of them because they are obviously upset with me. I feel slightly wrong, but not necessarily bad about it. This is the only place I feel a minimal acceptance until recently, and as I searched of easy ways to end my life I came across SSD. Hat hauled my searches. If I successfully applied, I could move into a tiny apartment, isolated and enjoy myself and only need acceptance from myself which is always there. I wouldn't have to worry about hurtig anyone's feelings as well.
I don't feel depressed at all, it's more like "I'm sorry for feeling and expressing myself this way". I've found too many things related to me to pinpoint one thing. While watching movies I mimicked facial expressions non stop, and I miss whats going on in the movie and have to rewind around 4 times before I can realise whats going on because I keep mimicking the facial expressions. Everything I do, I count how many times I do it. Walking sidewalks, steps, t.v volume, stats in video games/sports, inventory at work, grinding my teeth etc.. Very poor communication skills at work, it feels stressful communicating with people, because I mainly don't like communication unless I'm talking about myself. I usually chose to tell jokes to amuse myself or oddly sing, all day. When someone asks me to keep singing I stop. Wait for them to leave my immediate presence and continue singing. This is how I remain a tolerable happiness in atmospheres that I wish not to be in. Its a lot easier than just talking. When I am around people who accept me, I have peeks or outbursts of high energy, until I am asked to calm down. I can't count how many times my manager has said I'm bipolar and could get a government check and avoid working around people, or even being around people.
Medical history. I.T.P(platelet blood disease) diagnosed at age 16, took my spleen out at age 19 and have been fine. Age 17, diagnosed with grand mal seizures(associated with head injuries and strokes). Age 24, prescribed Prozac for depression, jumped off those pills a year ago. I've actually highly enjoyed hospitals because I get so much non-stressful free time to do nothing. I liked those people cause I didnt have to know them at all, they were just there to take care of me. Anyway, the suicide thing, that was my first and only time reaching that ooint and is no longer on the table since there's a chance of me living on my own now with minimal stress. Anyone with similar problems who have been treated have any advice? Anti social, bipolar, autism, A.D.D, anxiety, whats wrong with me? Or am I just genetically an ***?
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