Discussions By Condition: I cannot get a diagnosis.

Male 25 yrs - DESPERATELY NEED HELP - appropriate diagnosis for - serious illness

Posted In: I cannot get a diagnosis. 3 Replies
  • Posted By: ashwin_81chennai
  • November 28, 2006
  • 09:25 AM

I am from India and I came across this website forum. I desperately need help with an illness I am going through for which I haven't been able to get a diagnosis at all. I have detailed information about the symptoms and a few test results below.Kindly help me out with information regarding appropriate diagnosis and maybe contacts for doctors in India who can help me out. Thank you for the help.

Male 25 yrs age - Symptoms from childhood:


1.Never ever had any friends in life from childhood. Had only limited friends – just 2 or 3 if at all.

2.College life: Never experienced any youthful happiness and fun.

3.During childhood – primary classes – used to get bullied by peers and made to come home crying almost every time.

4.Absence of involvement in any sort of outdoor activity or sports, during child hood. Perhaps due to lack of physical/social competence.

5.As I was growing up – if I even ever tried to socialize and be like everybody else, I always ended up getting bullied/ridiculed etc. Misery was my closest companion, never left me alone.

6.Absence of any kind of masculine ability to fight back. Flight was always what my body chose, when it comes to a fight or flight option.

7.Always very submissive/passive even as a child.

8.Absolute social isolation- probably why I grew up very dependant on my parents – throughout these 25 years.

9.Never had friends at school and particularly no relationship with the opposite sex.

10.Till 8th grade was an average student as far as my academics.

11.Shyness and inhibition towards relating to opposite sex.

12. Age: 14/15 - Shaved my hands and legs - caught by parents and also promised not to repeat the act again. Also had feminine traits(A very abnormal behavior for a 15 year old male)

13.Extremely timid and passive at school. Never developed a masculine virility and sex drive during puberty although I physically developed male characteristics (facial hair etc.).

14. No inclination towards forming healthy relationships with peers, notably with girls.

15.Peers would never respect me. Social isolation and depression.

16.As I was quiet and timid; I was very vulnerable to getting bullied – hence avoided crowds – many times criticized, ridiculed – was always socially/sexually misfit and retarded.

17.Capable of scoring grades enough to probably just scrape through – 70-80% on an average.

18.During my college life – got into habits of smoking, drinking to cover up my anxiety.

19.Shy of my own shadow – kept away even from photographs during occasions/or family gatherings - not being able to relate with anybody / even relatives.

20.Could not make equal friends. Watched everybody else around me growing up and enjoying life. I was maybe just cursed; living each day in the depths of ***l. Few friends encouraged me or would try to the usual buck me up.

21.Lacked the boldness to form relationships with the opposite sex even during my college life.

22. Inability to fight back (verbally & physically both) in response to criticizes. Responded with feelings of hurt, sadness, fear, withdrawal and misery.

23.Always a last bencher. Avoided any kind of public appearance because of shyness. I could only envy everybody else and weep within myself.

24.Tried to grow Long hair/beard and mustache trying to look masculine but really had no customary MALE –FEMALE SEX DRIVE.

25. Got myself involved in ***o-sexual relationships in college.

26. My smoking/drinking habits still stuck with me.

27.Never showed any interest in studies and never really learnt anything maybe the cloud of deep loneliness and stress covering me up and wasting away my youth.

28.Went to US for higher studies – Smoking /drinking contd. Was easily influenced and I even smoked marijuana for more than a year. Had severe trouble quitting all my crutches.

29.Seeking life & a healthy sense of well being all the time tirelessly. Used to read so called positive mental attitude books/motivational seminars/tapes endlessly. Ended up losing a lot of money. I was supposedly crossing a time of my life – Prime time; but in misery.

30.Through a referral I got a job in Dallas, Texas. Had huge ambitions and dreams though. At work things started becoming worse. Practically I’d have no relationship with anybody at work. Extreme passivity – Confidence with women was something of a –nil-. Inability to concentrate on my work.

31.Out of the normal desires made me fantasize dressing up like a woman in privacy.

32.Fancied with feminine desires. Suffered anorexia – deliberately lost a lot of weight. Gender identity crisis. Striking absence of a normal male-female libido.

33.Suffered panic attacks – ideas of having gone insane etc.. Severe anxiety made me completely absent mentally/socially at work. Nobody even knew me. Made a visit to a Psychologist got assurance that I was alright. Underwent cognitive therapy as led by the psychologist sincerely. Read self help books on social anxiety etc for several months.

34.At job exploiting my character I would often get dumped with work beyond my ability to even keep track of. Complete inability to work with co-workers of both sexes. Nobody ever failed in the job of ridiculing me. To relieve all the tension and pressure I would cry every single day at work in the bathroom. Mourn oven a list of wishful thoughts. Had absolutely no friends/ stayed alone and suffered intense loneliness and anxiety. Got fired from the job for reasons for reasons of not being able to take charge/responsibilities/leadership & extreme passivity/ lack of a masculine aggressiveness. I never talked about anything with my parents; I was of the impression that everything would become alright someday. I’d have hardly any physical stamina to exercise at the Gym or get myself into any outdoor activity.

35.Got another job through my Father in Chicago – Co-workers had absolutely had no respect for me, particularly women making it extremely stressful. It was an impossible task to concentrate or do any work at all. Things were growing worse. I’d shiver out of an abnormal shyness and fear even if a woman comes near me for reasons of work. Women ridicule/mock at me and show absolutely no respect and the worst form of torment one can ever even undergo – they would do that in front of other men maybe my own age. I was really branded a coward/ woman /useless and a disgusting person. I’d have just one option - cry every single day. The only people who knew me were probably were just my parent. But they never guessed I what I was going though; neither did I ever give them a hint.

36.I started to deliberately put on weight and grew a beard so I can at least look masculine. But my traits, character and the most abnormal paraphernalia from childhood still stuck with me no matter how much I tried to fight it.

37.I was probably the most miserable person on earth. I was fool enough to think I’d develop a good libido if I maybe checked out a Night club. And I really did just me and myself. Only to make it a perfect recipe for ***l - be abused verbally and laughed at as a woman and that even a woman could make love to me.

38.Started to get really depressed following the night club incident, I was taken to a hospital in Chicago and sent back to India. Lost my job again. July-24th - 2006

39.Desperate for help I talked about the tragedy of my life with my parents. I genuinely believe that I have never developed any libido and a normal masculine - dominant – aggressive character/behavior, although physically I look 100% male. The condition is as bad as it can ever get. I think about suicide all the time. I’m just living on the edge.

40. I started out getting treatment for depression with a well renowned psychiatrist in Chennai. What has been very surprising is that there has been absolutely no improvement with respect to what I’m expecting out the treatment. I don’t know if the anti-depressants will transform me into the man I really want to be. Frankly even my psychiatrist baffled – for no signs of improvement – wanted us to get certain parameters checked and we met a whole lot of endocrinologists thinking that somebody would be able to point out and say what my problem is; and how on earth am I going to get an appropriate diagnosis – forget about the treatment. Everybody feels I’m perfectly alright; and all I need is just a little psychological therapy and some anti-depressants. And it just looks like no doctor we met so far has really been able to say what’s wrong with me.

41. I got a few readings tested –
Recently-
Estradiol : 78 pg/ml (20-75)
FSH: 2.07 mIU/ml
LH: 4.63 mIU/ml
Growth Hormone:0.052 ng/ml

07/09/06-

FSH – Less than 0.1 mIU/ml
Prolactin: 27.6 ng/ml
LH : 0.5 mIU/ml
Estradiol: 69 pg/ml
DHEAS: 200 ug/dl
Serum Androstenedione(A): 01.87 ng/ml
Serum Cortisol: Evening –: 05.15 ug/dl
Free Testosterone (RIA) : 21.00 pg/ml
Total Testosterone (Chemlsnce) – 616 ng/dL
SHBG – 18.3 nmol/L
Free T3 – 3.2 pg/ml
Free T4 – 1.2 ng/dL
TSH – 4.15 uIU/ml
Glucose – Fasting (GOD-PAP Enzymatic) – 85 mg/dl
Total Cholestrol (CHOD-PAP) – 241 mg/dl
Triglycerides - 234 mg/dl
HDL Cholestrol – 32 mg/dl
LDL Cholestrol – 179 mg/dl
CHOL/HDL Ratio : 7.5

42. We have met a lot of endocrinologists and psychiatrists and nobody really has found out what the underlying illness is. I have a genuine problem so much disabling that I don’t have a job and I don’t even go outside my bedroom – and I have recurring thoughts of suicide. I am continuing with the anti-depressants which just keep me away from harming myself. I desperately need a proper diagnosis and appropriate treatment if at all there is one available.



Thank you for the patience. Kindly help.

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3 Replies:

  • I don't want to get your hopes up, but maybe you could get your karyotype done to rule out a sex chromosome anomaly. Not sure about this, but the symptoms you are describing could be caused by a variety of sex chromosome anomaly such as Klinefelter syndrome(47,XXY). As for your lab results, don't know the normal values, so can't tell what's normal and what's not. Talk to your doctor about it and ask to be referred to a genetics clinic, although an endocrinologist should know about this and be able to diagnose it/rule it out.Good luck!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • December 2, 2006
    • 10:25 PM
    • 0
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  • Ashwin.Firstly, it is essential to get a chromosome reading to rule out any intersexed conditions of which there are many.If your chromosomes check normal as XY male then you need to investigate more with your feelings.From what you describe of your feelings you sound as though you are transsexed, male to female (MTF). You being in India would be very aware of the Hijiras. I am transsexed but opposite gender to yourself. I am a FTM transsexed person born biologically female living in Australia. Your isolation as a child wouldn’t have helped to discover who you are. But whether isolated or not people know what gender they are if they are not transsexed. Feelings of not belonging anywhere is consistent with transsexed or intersexed situation.You mention cross dressing, and fantasizing being female or doing female things. Cross dressers are not transsexuals and do not wish to be the sex opposite to their biological appearance, but MTF cross dress to be who they really are and desire to be biologically female despite having a male body. Many have also tried being a man (growing beard and so forth like you mention) in order to cure themselves of whatever it is they feel is tormenting them. But for the true transsexed person this never works, because our condition is all to do with brain structure and not a psychological problem.Your inability to get on with either gender is indication you may be transsexed. I say this because, even if you are a woman in the brain, you have not had the opportunity to explore your femininity with other girls and so feel inadequate and intimidated. And the same goes with males, if indeed you are woman, you aren’t going to feel comfortable with their company. I can also see how all this is difficult for you because of Indian society and all the does and don’ts between men and women. Like you said, going to a night club was not a good move and it is a very dangerous place for a transsexual. I suggest you hunt out the hijiras and have some really good, indepth talks with them. The hijiars consist of transsexed and intersexed people. If you feel you are transsexed after some time with them take life from there. But whatever you do, do not rush into anything like castration and so forth unless you are totally and absolutely %100 positive that is what you are. If you are transsexed you are definitely not alone and there are heaps of support groups now.Suicide is a huge problem amongst the transsexed. 50% of us die before we are 30, get the support and don’t become a statistic. All I could think of from aged four was how nice it would be to be dead, and I really got bad with suicide thoughts about 12 years of age. I am now 37 and too many times nearly became a statistic to society’s ignorance, hate and judgment that is dished out to us from some quarters. A low libido can be typical of a transsexed woman (MTF).Many transsexed go years trying to bury their feelings because of the social stigma and abuse we can receive physically and emotionally from family, friends and society.Do not hesitate to speak with me if you have any questions through this forum. I am an advocate for the transsexed. With the right support and treatment you can have a beautiful life free of the misery you have always been in.But first the chromosome test!!!All the best.Agape,Searchingsam.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • December 3, 2006
    • 07:30 AM
    • 0
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  • Bless your heart. I agree with the other postings. It sounds as though you may have a chromosomal abnormality. Whether you find out what the problem is or not, please remember that you are not alone. I know how a sense of relentless inferiority, isolation and social incompetence can feel. When everyone else fails you, please remember that God loves you. He can give you peace and comfort. Just ask, and then listen. Please seek the help of a therapist. You may also find alot of comfort there. I'll pray for you.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 12, 2007
    • 05:22 AM
    • 0
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