I am from India and I came across this website forum. I desperately need help with an illness I am going through for which I haven't been able to get a diagnosis at all. I have detailed information about the symptoms and a few test results below.Kindly help me out with information regarding appropriate diagnosis and maybe contacts for doctors in India who can help me out. Thank you for the help.
Male 25 yrs age - Symptoms from childhood:
1.Never ever had any friends in life from childhood. Had only limited friends – just 2 or 3 if at all.
2.College life: Never experienced any youthful happiness and fun.
3.During childhood – primary classes – used to get bullied by peers and made to come home crying almost every time.
4.Absence of involvement in any sort of outdoor activity or sports, during child hood. Perhaps due to lack of physical/social competence.
5.As I was growing up – if I even ever tried to socialize and be like everybody else, I always ended up getting bullied/ridiculed etc. Misery was my closest companion, never left me alone.
6.Absence of any kind of masculine ability to fight back. Flight was always what my body chose, when it comes to a fight or flight option.
7.Always very submissive/passive even as a child.
8.Absolute social isolation- probably why I grew up very dependant on my parents – throughout these 25 years.
9.Never had friends at school and particularly no relationship with the opposite sex.
10.Till 8th grade was an average student as far as my academics.
11.Shyness and inhibition towards relating to opposite sex.
12. Age: 14/15 - Shaved my hands and legs - caught by parents and also promised not to repeat the act again. Also had feminine traits(A very abnormal behavior for a 15 year old male)
13.Extremely timid and passive at school. Never developed a masculine virility and sex drive during puberty although I physically developed male characteristics (facial hair etc.).
14. No inclination towards forming healthy relationships with peers, notably with girls.
15.Peers would never respect me. Social isolation and depression.
16.As I was quiet and timid; I was very vulnerable to getting bullied – hence avoided crowds – many times criticized, ridiculed – was always socially/sexually misfit and retarded.
17.Capable of scoring grades enough to probably just scrape through – 70-80% on an average.
18.During my college life – got into habits of smoking, drinking to cover up my anxiety.
19.Shy of my own shadow – kept away even from photographs during occasions/or family gatherings - not being able to relate with anybody / even relatives.
20.Could not make equal friends. Watched everybody else around me growing up and enjoying life. I was maybe just cursed; living each day in the depths of ***l. Few friends encouraged me or would try to the usual buck me up.
21.Lacked the boldness to form relationships with the opposite sex even during my college life.
22. Inability to fight back (verbally & physically both) in response to criticizes. Responded with feelings of hurt, sadness, fear, withdrawal and misery.
23.Always a last bencher. Avoided any kind of public appearance because of shyness. I could only envy everybody else and weep within myself.
24.Tried to grow Long hair/beard and mustache trying to look masculine but really had no customary MALE –FEMALE SEX DRIVE.
25. Got myself involved in ***o-sexual relationships in college.
26. My smoking/drinking habits still stuck with me.
27.Never showed any interest in studies and never really learnt anything maybe the cloud of deep loneliness and stress covering me up and wasting away my youth.
28.Went to US for higher studies – Smoking /drinking contd. Was easily influenced and I even smoked marijuana for more than a year. Had severe trouble quitting all my crutches.
29.Seeking life & a healthy sense of well being all the time tirelessly. Used to read so called positive mental attitude books/motivational seminars/tapes endlessly. Ended up losing a lot of money. I was supposedly crossing a time of my life – Prime time; but in misery.
30.Through a referral I got a job in Dallas, Texas. Had huge ambitions and dreams though. At work things started becoming worse. Practically I’d have no relationship with anybody at work. Extreme passivity – Confidence with women was something of a –nil-. Inability to concentrate on my work.
31.Out of the normal desires made me fantasize dressing up like a woman in privacy.
32.Fancied with feminine desires. Suffered anorexia – deliberately lost a lot of weight. Gender identity crisis. Striking absence of a normal male-female libido.
33.Suffered panic attacks – ideas of having gone insane etc.. Severe anxiety made me completely absent mentally/socially at work. Nobody even knew me. Made a visit to a Psychologist got assurance that I was alright. Underwent cognitive therapy as led by the psychologist sincerely. Read self help books on social anxiety etc for several months.
34.At job exploiting my character I would often get dumped with work beyond my ability to even keep track of. Complete inability to work with co-workers of both sexes. Nobody ever failed in the job of ridiculing me. To relieve all the tension and pressure I would cry every single day at work in the bathroom. Mourn oven a list of wishful thoughts. Had absolutely no friends/ stayed alone and suffered intense loneliness and anxiety. Got fired from the job for reasons for reasons of not being able to take charge/responsibilities/leadership & extreme passivity/ lack of a masculine aggressiveness. I never talked about anything with my parents; I was of the impression that everything would become alright someday. I’d have hardly any physical stamina to exercise at the Gym or get myself into any outdoor activity.
35.Got another job through my Father in Chicago – Co-workers had absolutely had no respect for me, particularly women making it extremely stressful. It was an impossible task to concentrate or do any work at all. Things were growing worse. I’d shiver out of an abnormal shyness and fear even if a woman comes near me for reasons of work. Women ridicule/mock at me and show absolutely no respect and the worst form of torment one can ever even undergo – they would do that in front of other men maybe my own age. I was really branded a coward/ woman /useless and a disgusting person. I’d have just one option - cry every single day. The only people who knew me were probably were just my parent. But they never guessed I what I was going though; neither did I ever give them a hint.
36.I started to deliberately put on weight and grew a beard so I can at least look masculine. But my traits, character and the most abnormal paraphernalia from childhood still stuck with me no matter how much I tried to fight it.
37.I was probably the most miserable person on earth. I was fool enough to think I’d develop a good libido if I maybe checked out a Night club. And I really did just me and myself. Only to make it a perfect recipe for ***l - be abused verbally and laughed at as a woman and that even a woman could make love to me.
38.Started to get really depressed following the night club incident, I was taken to a hospital in Chicago and sent back to India. Lost my job again. July-24th - 2006
39.Desperate for help I talked about the tragedy of my life with my parents. I genuinely believe that I have never developed any libido and a normal masculine - dominant – aggressive character/behavior, although physically I look 100% male. The condition is as bad as it can ever get. I think about suicide all the time. I’m just living on the edge.
40. I started out getting treatment for depression with a well renowned psychiatrist in Chennai. What has been very surprising is that there has been absolutely no improvement with respect to what I’m expecting out the treatment. I don’t know if the anti-depressants will transform me into the man I really want to be. Frankly even my psychiatrist baffled – for no signs of improvement – wanted us to get certain parameters checked and we met a whole lot of endocrinologists thinking that somebody would be able to point out and say what my problem is; and how on earth am I going to get an appropriate diagnosis – forget about the treatment. Everybody feels I’m perfectly alright; and all I need is just a little psychological therapy and some anti-depressants. And it just looks like no doctor we met so far has really been able to say what’s wrong with me.
41. I got a few readings tested –
Estradiol : 78 pg/ml (20-75)
FSH: 2.07 mIU/ml
LH: 4.63 mIU/ml
Growth Hormone:0.052 ng/ml
FSH – Less than 0.1 mIU/ml
Prolactin: 27.6 ng/ml
LH : 0.5 mIU/ml
Estradiol: 69 pg/ml
DHEAS: 200 ug/dl
Serum Androstenedione(A): 01.87 ng/ml
Serum Cortisol: Evening –: 05.15 ug/dl
Free Testosterone (RIA) : 21.00 pg/ml
Total Testosterone (Chemlsnce) – 616 ng/dL
SHBG – 18.3 nmol/L
Free T3 – 3.2 pg/ml
Free T4 – 1.2 ng/dL
TSH – 4.15 uIU/ml
Glucose – Fasting (GOD-PAP Enzymatic) – 85 mg/dl
Total Cholestrol (CHOD-PAP) – 241 mg/dl
Triglycerides - 234 mg/dl
HDL Cholestrol – 32 mg/dl
LDL Cholestrol – 179 mg/dl
CHOL/HDL Ratio : 7.5
42. We have met a lot of endocrinologists and psychiatrists and nobody really has found out what the underlying illness is. I have a genuine problem so much disabling that I don’t have a job and I don’t even go outside my bedroom – and I have recurring thoughts of suicide. I am continuing with the anti-depressants which just keep me away from harming myself. I desperately need a proper diagnosis and appropriate treatment if at all there is one available.
Thank you for the patience. Kindly help.
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