Discussions By Condition: I cannot get a diagnosis.

Lost and confused.

Posted In: I cannot get a diagnosis. 4 Replies
  • Posted By: grlafraid
  • January 4, 2007
  • 02:05 AM

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost a year and have been friends for 8. He works full time with a construction company and I go to school and work part time. I love him dearly and could picture myself with him forever.
One day at work I was sexually assaulted by my manager. It started with him talking in a very vulgar tone in which I showed no interest in him. By the end of this one shift he was finding excuses to touch me and would rub himself up against me from the behind. I left that night feeling violated and unfaithful to my boyfriend. I was too scared to say anything to this man that had done something so awful and felt as if I couldn’t tell any of my friends or family what had happened. I tried to brush it off and went home.
Later that night as I was trying to sleep as my boyfriend would try and cuddle with me and just simply touching me on my shoulder would make me gag. Just before bed I started shaking, I wasn’t even thinking of my earlier experience at work. I felt dizzy and my heart was hurting incredibly. I thought I was going to faint and felt cold. I then told my boyfriend most of what happened at work and told him that I didn’t want him to touch me.
I felt so bad having to tell him that. He asked me is he should be scared and I told him I didn’t think so. He cried and I felt scared and lost.
I thought in my head "What am I doing?" "Why am I with him?”. The thought of me not loving him anymore made me sick. I calmed down about 15 minutes later and felt anxious all night. It’s been 2 weeks now and sometimes I get that same feeling. It comes and goes and sometimes is strong or mild pain. I sometimes wonder if I have, out of nowhere, stopped loving him.
I still crave his touch, presence and love. I couldn’t picture myself without him and when he’s not home in time, I worry. I am very independent and don’t rely on him financially at all.
I am and have for a long time suffered from a low self esteem. I never think I am attractive no matter what I do and am uncomfortable with large amounts of people. At the time my attack happened that one night I was also having familial issues and am dealing with the death of my cousin who I cherished so much and passed a year ago. I never coped with her death properly. I push negative thoughts and feelings aside and try not to deal with tough issues.
My main concern is me and my relationship with my boyfriend. I want to deal with all my internal feelings and problems, but don’t want to lose my love at the same time.

What is your opinion or thoughts? Please.

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4 Replies:

  • Sounds like you have an anxiety disorder. If you have to question your love, It's probably not love. Don't ever let a man mess with you . Tell them that you will report them. Or find another job. Take careMe and my boyfriend have been dating for almost a year and have been friends for 8. He works full time with a construction company and I go to school and work part time. I love him dearly and could picture myself with him forever.One day at work I was sexually assaulted by my manager. It started with him talking in a very vulgar tone in which I showed no interest in him. By the end of this one shift he was finding excuses to touch me and would rub himself up against me from the behind. I left that night feeling violated and unfaithful to my boyfriend. I was too scared to say anything to this man that had done something so awful and felt as if I couldn’t tell any of my friends or family what had happened. I tried to brush it off and went home. Later that night as I was trying to sleep as my boyfriend would try and cuddle with me and just simply touching me on my shoulder would make me gag. Just before bed I started shaking, I wasn’t even thinking of my earlier experience at work. I felt dizzy and my heart was hurting incredibly. I thought I was going to faint and felt cold. I then told my boyfriend most of what happened at work and told him that I didn’t want him to touch me. I felt so bad having to tell him that. He asked me is he should be scared and I told him I didn’t think so. He cried and I felt scared and lost. I thought in my head "What am I doing?" "Why am I with him?”. The thought of me not loving him anymore made me sick. I calmed down about 15 minutes later and felt anxious all night. It’s been 2 weeks now and sometimes I get that same feeling. It comes and goes and sometimes is strong or mild pain. I sometimes wonder if I have, out of nowhere, stopped loving him.I still crave his touch, presence and love. I couldn’t picture myself without him and when he’s not home in time, I worry. I am very independent and don’t rely on him financially at all. I am and have for a long time suffered from a low self esteem. I never think I am attractive no matter what I do and am uncomfortable with large amounts of people. At the time my attack happened that one night I was also having familial issues and am dealing with the death of my cousin who I cherished so much and passed a year ago. I never coped with her death properly. I push negative thoughts and feelings aside and try not to deal with tough issues. My main concern is me and my relationship with my boyfriend. I want to deal with all my internal feelings and problems, but don’t want to lose my love at the same time. What is your opinion or thoughts? Please.
    gerbilsnfish 2 Replies
    • January 4, 2007
    • 05:29 AM
    • 0
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  • I agree...sounds like you had an anxiety attack and you have anxiety disorder. You should see somebody for that.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 5, 2007
    • 04:20 AM
    • 0
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  • I say it's perfectly normal for you to not want to be touched after being, essentially, molested. It doesn't mean that you don't love your boyfriend anymore. Have him hug you instead of sexual touching, and maybe you should report the molester to the police, or even make an anonymous call to another manager or owner of the company. Get the scumbag fired. As for your boyfriend...instead of accidentally driving him away, tell him that you need his help recovering from this incident. Once you get over what happened to you, I would think everything should be find between you and him.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 5, 2007
    • 04:42 AM
    • 0
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  • You need to talk with him and let him know how you feel and let him know you still love him, but the situation you were just in makes you uncomfortable right now, you need to talk to somone, dont keep this bottled up in you, you dont have to take that kind of abuse, Nobody does, And please dont think that it is YOUR fault that this happened, because it is not, If you really love him and trust him things will work out, and if he loves you he will be there for you and understand what has happened and NOT blame you, please report the guy that has done the wrong doings because there maybe more out there in your shoes that he has done this also too, and he thinks he can get away with it, show him he cant, we dont need scum like that, and dont feel bad that you did report him. people will understand, If not then they aren't the company you want to work for. Hang in there it will get better. HUGS
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 5, 2007
    • 05:06 AM
    • 0
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