Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost a year and have been friends for 8. He works full time with a construction company and I go to school and work part time. I love him dearly and could picture myself with him forever.
One day at work I was sexually assaulted by my manager. It started with him talking in a very vulgar tone in which I showed no interest in him. By the end of this one shift he was finding excuses to touch me and would rub himself up against me from the behind. I left that night feeling violated and unfaithful to my boyfriend. I was too scared to say anything to this man that had done something so awful and felt as if I couldn’t tell any of my friends or family what had happened. I tried to brush it off and went home.
Later that night as I was trying to sleep as my boyfriend would try and cuddle with me and just simply touching me on my shoulder would make me gag. Just before bed I started shaking, I wasn’t even thinking of my earlier experience at work. I felt dizzy and my heart was hurting incredibly. I thought I was going to faint and felt cold. I then told my boyfriend most of what happened at work and told him that I didn’t want him to touch me.
I felt so bad having to tell him that. He asked me is he should be scared and I told him I didn’t think so. He cried and I felt scared and lost.
I thought in my head "What am I doing?" "Why am I with him?”. The thought of me not loving him anymore made me sick. I calmed down about 15 minutes later and felt anxious all night. It’s been 2 weeks now and sometimes I get that same feeling. It comes and goes and sometimes is strong or mild pain. I sometimes wonder if I have, out of nowhere, stopped loving him.
I still crave his touch, presence and love. I couldn’t picture myself without him and when he’s not home in time, I worry. I am very independent and don’t rely on him financially at all.
I am and have for a long time suffered from a low self esteem. I never think I am attractive no matter what I do and am uncomfortable with large amounts of people. At the time my attack happened that one night I was also having familial issues and am dealing with the death of my cousin who I cherished so much and passed a year ago. I never coped with her death properly. I push negative thoughts and feelings aside and try not to deal with tough issues.
My main concern is me and my relationship with my boyfriend. I want to deal with all my internal feelings and problems, but don’t want to lose my love at the same time.
What is your opinion or thoughts? Please.