Well, i have a bunch of symptoms/things wrong, and i was just wondering if someone could point me in the right direction as to what i should do, what might be wrong (if these things somehow interlink) and if you have experienced anything similar? If so, what was your outcome?
Tips would be very much appreciated.
17 years old
(don't stay with parents, stay alone with a friend)
I have (so far) been diagnosed with Social/General Anxiety Disorder and Major Depression.
(sorry if i waffle on a bit, i have a really hard time concentrating)
I have a bad history with asking for help and opening up, i have had social workers for a lot of my life and have never been taken seriously and because of this i hate asking for help. I dislike going to my doctors or psychiatrist for the same reason. I think this is compounded by my anxiety.
For most of my teenage years (from starting puberty, at around 11) i have had real mental problems. I have attempted suicide a lot, been hospitalised twice and i have problems (sometimes) abusing OTC painkillers and alcohol. Often when i abuse these i don't feel in control of what i am doing at all, i don't even feel like myself. It is very impulsive and it feels like someone has 'taken over' my body and is making me do this. I hear voices alot. It isn't the usual hearing various people speaking directly to you, but when it is really quiet (and there is no one there, or no one making the sound) i 'hear' like i am in a crowded room, filled with people chatting casually. I can't hear exactly what people are saying, it is muffled but i can pick out certain phrases or words (as you would do if you walked into a crowded room)
I also have another side of me. Thats the best way i can explain it really. It is me, but a different kind of me. She is the one that - doesnt tell me - but persuades me that i should do negative things. She 'helps me decide' on what to do, ie: self harm, and fills my head with negative thoughts about myself. And to be honest, i have never really noticed her to be a problem until recently (although looking back, i can't imagine when i was free from her)
I 'trip' a little too, i don't see people, but i often see shadows, things moving at the corner of my eye etc. This is worse when i am feeling anxious.
I have really bad anxiety issues. I have never had a panic attack, due to low blood pressure but i have random, spontaneous anxiety attacks several times a day. It has become so bad, that i freeze, shake, my heart palpitates and have actually thrown up on a few occassions. They are 100x worse if triggered by something, although without a trigger they are still very scarey. Things as simple as my mobile phone ringing can trigger one, as i instantly think it will be something bad (my mum might know i havent been attending college recently for example) I actually havent been answering my phone unless it is a close friend recently, and because of that i have missed important phonecalls, only making me feel worse. I am too afraid to answer the door, if anyone wants to come over they need to text me before they knock, so i know it is them.
I don't know why i am like this, i feel like i have done something really bad, but i really don't have any reason, it just happens. When i have an anxiety attack, the 'after effect' usually lasts about an hour of feeling nervous and tends to fade away gradually, unless a spontanous one happens or another is triggered.
I am quite tearful, although less so than 6 months ago. I feel like i am dealing with things in a more blunt fashion rather than just crying about things, i am brushing them under the carpet, only to stress myself out rather than release my feelings.
I have also had feelings of being 'psychic' and seeing/hearing ghosts, although i won't really go into that.
I have really, really severe insomnia/sleep deprivation. I have missed about 90% of college in the past 2 months or so and this is making me feel worse. On average, i am going about 30-36 hours without sleep, then sleeping for around 4 hours or so. At worst i have been awake (with no naps or anything) for 60 hours. Then about once a week, i sleep for about 8-10 hours. When i do, i find myself 'too rested' and i can't sleep again. It is driving me crazy! I have been absent from college mainly due to this.
I have been trying my hardest to attend college, going there with no sleep for 24-36hours, i'm sure the lecturers are worried about me but no one has spoken to me yet.
I am feeling suicidal all the time, i have no motivation, no hope for the future and i feel like i am failing at everything. I also have really bad concentration issues, i feel like my mind won't focus on anything and when i notice it i get really frustrated. Often, words on pages start to go blurry and scrambled and i have real trouble reading out loud, often switching words that i don't read properly without noticing ie; reading confusing and saying contradicting or something like that.
I probably don't need to mention that i am extremely fatigued lol
I am also losing weight a bit, probably from my lack of appetite.
On another note...
I have had 4 swollen lymph nodes for about a year now. They are painless, very firm, and they don't move. (the skin around them does though)
There is one at the back of my head, it is about 4cm or so above my hairline and about 3cm or so off the centre of the back of my head. It is 3cm diameter.
The other is one under my jaw, it is not visible, but you have to press up and under my jaw slightly to feel it. It is roughly the same size (3cm)
There is another, right under/slightly behind my earlobe. It is more flat than the others, and is about 3cm too.
I have one behind my ear, behind the earlobe. It is about 2cm.
The one on my head has been present for a 2 years or so, the one under my jaw for 1 year and the other 2 have popped up 4 months ago.
I visited the doctor, and he felt my neck (nowhere near where i said they were).. he felt where i said they were and said there was nothing there, making me feel like a complete idiot :| He was a very 'stuck up' doctor, and i am terrified to go back because i don't like visiting the doctors, i feel it very intimidating. Something very worrying - 2 months ago a friend of mine (16 years old) died within 3 weeks of being diagnosed with lymphoma, throat and lung cancer. Needless to say this is scaring me a bit lol.
I was just thinking, i have been like this for as long as i can remember, what if this is just who i am? What if mental problems arent problems, but part of our character?