Discussions By Condition: I cannot get a diagnosis.

I need help about overcoming grieving

Posted In: I cannot get a diagnosis. 10 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • May 16, 2008
  • 02:02 PM

It has been 4 months and 11 days since my mom died and still I can't get back on the track. I'm trying to accept the situation gradually because I know that it is a process but still I am having sleepless nights and loss of appetite. I noticed that I am losing weight from 46 kg now I'm just 39kg. Since my mom died I started having sleepless nights. Sometimes I get to sleep at 7:00 am after going to bed at 12:30 am. I feel deeply sad everytime I am alone and I can't stop crying. I really want to overcome this situation so I can work better but it's really difficult. Please give me advise on what to do. Thanks.

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  • That's quite sad, I hope you get well better.My tip would be to to keep yout focus of thought on things you like, try to be aware of sad toughts and their "triggers", avoid the "triggers" (like sad songs on the radio or on TV - change it to something happier or neutral), and move your thoughts to something else whenever they happen. Perhaps it could help also to think that you mother wouldn't want to see you sad.For my own, at least, it was good to remember that the whole sadness thing is just a proccess, something going on on my brain, and in a way, it "isn't true", if you know what I mean. In other words, we can have some control of our thoughts, and being aware of that instead of just going passively with the flow is more than half of the battle won, I think. You probably saw somewhere, perhaps in comics or animated series some moment when a character has an good and an evil miniature of his own on his shoulders, each one whispering good or evil things. I think that this awareness is more or less like creating a "policeman" version of these anthropomorphic sides of our consciousness. This police of emotions/thoughts sees what's going on and eventually says "wait-wait-wait-wait... no sad thoughts here, these thoughts are not allowed, move on, there's nothing to see here". It's not that really there's this tine character on your shoulder, of course, but somehow once you realize that you don't need to think "passively", it helps more or less in this manner.A few years ago, I was having some hard times with some issues, and this online book gave me this basic concept (or at least that's how it became summarized in my mind after all these years), but has more broad and detailed explanations, I think it will help you as well:http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=353&cn=353(specifically the mood chapter)... Yet another "trick"/principle that I recall I used, but I don't recall if I saw in that book, is something that's called "dissociation" or something. For some reason, it's easy to thought throught situations that are not our owns, we're not as emotionally attached, so we can think better. The truth is that we can see ourselves by the eyes of an "detached" third person as well, thinking about "someone else" in the same situation. More or less as if you're watching a movie of yourself or remembering of something that happened long ago, something that does not triggers such strong feelings anymore. A kind of "make believe", but quite efficient.And for last, but not least, humor. Watch comedies that you like, and think of nonsensical stuff, laugh, have fun. Not so much that people will think you're becoming somewhat crazy, though :) - the point is not to become a sort of humor-junkie that can face reality, but just use it to put you in a good mood. Have a VCR or a DVD of some of your favourite cartoon, something that you're never tired to watch (in my case, that's Simpsons and some old Warner Brother's stuff, mainly). That somewhat connects with what I said in the beginning, of avoiding "triggers". By doing things that put you in a good mood, all of a sudden does not "feel right" to feel sad, the chemistry of our brains changes in a good way, and you can even have a less dramatic view on the whole thing when you're on that stage, accept it from a somewhat "enlightened" point of view, where you realize that there's no need to grief.Well, that's it. I think that earlier than you imagine, you'll find yourself in a state of mind that you barely thought that was possible to achieve when you was feeling the worst. As a final note, perhaps redundant if you read some of the book chapters, there will probably be ups and downs, do expect to have some bad mood again every now and then (we don't have absolute control of the chemistry on our brains, it's not quite like muscles, and even muscles get tired sometimes), it does not mean that "everything failed" or something. There's an overal progress despite of that, that's what you should recall.That's it. Best wishes.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • This is all very fresh still Meg, it took me quite awhile to be able to function without sadness when my mom died. It's been almost 2 years for me. The worst was the night. It was difficult to sleep and when I did I would awaken deeply saddend again. Keeping busy is important even tho you may want to stay in bed all day. Being with people was best for me, being alone with our own sad thoughts can really be to our detriment. Make yourself eat something every couple hours even if it is only a bite or two. Try to get outdoors for a bit everyday too, a short walk can distract you from your sadness. Are you keeping a journal? That helped my sister quite a bit. She started a grateful list and a life list of all the things she would like to do in her life. It is okay to be sad for right now, 4 months is really a short amount of time. Give yourself permission to grieve. There was an excellent book that I really loved called Grief and Praise, I will try to find it again so I can tell you the author. I hope you will try the things I told you about and let this process unfold. I'll check back here in a couple days to see how you are.
    scrubtech03 1 Replies Flag this Response
  • find someone who needs you--when you're thinking about someone else you have a much harder time getting lost in our own sorrow. Volunteer at a preschool or a nursing home. Find someone with a disabled child and offer to help out. (I have such a child, and if someone offered to help me--even if I had to pay them--I'd literally kiss their feet!) Go to the local school and offer to help coach something, or to work in a community garden. Anything will do. And it's much easier to write about it than it is to do it--I realize that! But, as Charlie Brown often said, you've got to grit your teeth and bear down. Or bare you teeth and--grit down? Anyway--take baby steps, and chip away at the issues. I'm guessing that if you recognize that there's a problem, you're well on the way to fixing it!good luck
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • It has been 4 months and 11 days since my mom died and still I can't get back on the track. I'm trying to accept the situation gradually because I know that it is a process but still I am having sleepless nights and loss of appetite. I noticed that I am losing weight from 46 kg now I'm just 39kg. Since my mom died I started having sleepless nights. Sometimes I get to sleep at 7:00 am after going to bed at 12:30 am. I feel deeply sad everytime I am alone and I can't stop crying. I really want to overcome this situation so I can work better but it's really difficult. Please give me advise on what to do. Thanks. Hi Meg, I am so sorry for ur loss. It is still early days yet, allow urself to grieve, 4months is not a long time. It can take upto a year, grieving is all new to u, u will have all the first events to come through, like birthdays & other special occasions where u will have memories of ur mom being with u. When u have spent ur intire life with someone and have a lifetime of memories it will take time to come to terms with ur loss. Allow these emotions to flow, its the only way to truely grieve, if u try to bottle it up it will take longer. Remember all the good times, even sometimes the bad times. Be gentle & kind to urself, take one day at a time, dont put anymore pressure on urself at this time. Eventually u will start to feel better but u really have to go through the process. In the mean time even if u dont feeling like eating, make urself eat little & often to try & maintain ur weight. Try some herbal products to help u sleep, eventually everything will fall into place. Again I am sorry for your loss & remember to be kind & gentle on yourself. Hugs x
    Tootsie 628 Replies Flag this Response
  • Hi Meg, I didn't have time to read through all the other posts, and I am sure you have gotten alot of good advice already. I still hope my response is of some help to you. Losing one of your parents is one of the hardest losses you will ever experience in your life, and it takes time to overcome. You don't mention anything about your age and that too plays a role. The younger you are the harder it is to handle. My mom passed away when I was 30 (12 years ago) and I was devistated. I had so much I wanted to tell her and so much I wanted to ask. I loved her dearly. It took a long time to get over. The first year you go thru all the holidays and birthdays and miss, miss, miss. After that you start to adapt. One thing I remember thinking is that I know she would NOT want me to spend my life greiving over her. She wanted me to take good care of my kids and be a good mom. She loved me and wanted only the best for me. I am sure your mom wants all the same things for you. It would hurt her to see you in such pain. As a mom myself I am positive it would hurt her. Take one day at a time sweetheart, and let your mind and body adjust to the new situation. Some day soon you will see how much easier things are and you will be able to think about her without crying. Warm hugs, Kiera
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Try Lifespan Integration therapy. It worked for me with amazing results. It's like talk therapy at the speed of light. The results are simply amazing. You can find more info. on Peggy Pace's website (she's the founder of L.I.)It's really worth a try and will address your eating problems and grief in a realitively short amount of time. I can't say enough about how it's helped me. I feel like it's given me my life back. The website is www.lifespanintegration.comHopefully you can find a therapist near you who is trained in this method. It's wonderful!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Hi! Try going to a local Christian church. They often have counselors or sometimes even a ministry specifically dealing with losses in peoples lives. My friends mom died of breast cancer when she and I were about 13 years old and our church really surrounded her family and helped them get over this terrible loss. God bless you! And I pray that you will be able to get through this soon!Baja
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • My heart goes out to you. My mom passed away June 1, 2007 and I still have not got it together. I believe that only time helps to make things easier. Notice I didn't say "Go Away", because I don't believe that will ever happen. Things will just become softer.I was told the first 2 years are the worse, so just be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve (it's ok). The journey of grief is a long one, but unfortunately all of us at one time of another will experience it. God bless you.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Is It Normal to Grieve the Way I Do?MITCHELL recalls the day his dad died: “I was in a state of shock. .*.*. ‘It can’t be true,’ I kept telling myself.”Perhaps someone you love—a parent, a brother, a sister, or a friend—has died. And rather than feel only sorrow, you also feel anger, confusion, and fear. Try as you may, you can’t hold back tears. Or you keep the pain you feel bottled up inside.Really, it is only natural to react emotionally when someone we love dies. Even ***********t, when he learned of the death of a close friend, “gave way to tears” and “groaned” inside. (John 11:33-36; compare 2*Samuel 13:28-39.) Realizing that others have felt as you do may help you better to deal with your loss.DenialAt first you may feel numb. Perhaps deep inside you hope that it’s all just a bad dream, that someone will come and wake you up and things will be just as they’ve always been. Cindy’s mother, for example, died of cancer. Explains Cindy: “I’ve not really accepted that she’s gone. Something will happen that I might have discussed with her in the past, and I find myself saying, ‘I’ll have to tell Mom that.’”Bereaved persons tend to deny that the death has occurred. They may even think they suddenly see the deceased one on the street, in a passing bus, on the subway. Any fleeting resemblance can spark the hope that perhaps it has all been a mistake. Remember, God made man to live, not to die. (Genesis 1:28; 2:9) So it’s only normal that we have trouble accepting death.“How Could She Do That to Me?”Don’t be surprised if there are even moments when you feel a little angry with the person who died. Cindy recalls: “When Mom died, there were times when I thought, ‘You really didn’t let us know you were going to die. You just skipped out.’ I felt deserted.”The death of a brother or a sister can likewise stir such feelings. “It’s almost ridiculous to feel anger at someone who’s died,” explains Karen, “but when my sister died, I couldn’t help it. Thoughts like, ‘How could she die and leave me all alone? How could she do that to me?’ kept going through my head.” Some find themselves angry at the sibling for all the pain that his or her death has caused. Some feel neglected, perhaps even resentful, because of all the time and attention that the sick brother or sister received before dying. Grief-stricken parents who, out of fear of losing another child, suddenly become overly protective can also stir animosity toward the deceased.“If only .*.*.*”Guilt is also a frequent reaction. Questions and doubts pour through the mind. ‘Is there anything more we could have done? Should we have consulted another doctor?’ And then there are the if onlys. ‘If only we had not quarreled so much.’ ‘If only I had been kinder.’ ‘If only I had gone to the store, instead.’Mitchell says: “I*wish I had been more*patient and understanding with my father. Or done more things around the house to make it easier for him when he came home.” And Elisa observed: “When Mom got sick and died so suddenly, there were all of these unresolved feelings we’d had for each other. I feel so guilty now. I think of all the things I should have said to her, all the things I shouldn’t have said, all the things I did wrong.”You may even blame yourself for what happened. Cindy recalls: “I felt guilty over every argument we ever had, over all the stress I caused Mom. I felt that all the stress I caused her could have contributed to her illness.”“What Do I Tell My Friends?”One widow observed regarding her son: “Jonny hated to tell other children that his father was dead. It embarrassed him and it also made him angry, just because he was embarrassed.”The book Death and Grief in the Family explains: “‘What do I tell my friends?’ is a question of supreme importance to many siblings . Frequently, siblings feel that their friends do not understand what they are experiencing. Attempts to share the import of the loss may be met with blank stares and quizzical looks. .*.*. Consequently, the bereaved sibling may feel rejected, isolated, and, at times, even freakish.”Realize, though, that others sometimes simply do not know what to say to a grieving friend—and so they say nothing. Your loss may also remind them that they, too, can lose a loved one. Not wanting to be reminded of that, they may shy away from you.Facing Up to Your GriefKnowing that your grief is normal is a big help in coming to grips with it. But it only prolongs grief to continue to deny reality. Sometimes a family will leave a vacant place at the meal table for the deceased, as if that one were about to come in for a meal. One family, though, chose to handle matters differently. Says the mother: “We never sat at the kitchen table in the same order anymore. My husband moved into David’s chair, and that helped to fill that void.”It also helps to realize that while there may well be things you should or shouldn’t have said or done, usually those are not the reasons your loved one died. Besides, “We all stumble many times.”—James 3:2.Sharing Your FeelingsDr.*Earl Grollman suggests: “It is not enough to recognize your conflicting emotions; you must deal with them openly.*.*.*.*This is a time to share your feelings.” It is not a time to isolate yourself.—Proverbs 18:1.Dr.*Grollman says that in denying grief, “you only prolong the agony and delay the grief process.” He suggests: “Find a good listener, a friend who will understand that your many feelings are normal reactions to your bitter grief.” A parent, a brother, a sister, a friend, or an elder in the Christian congregation can often prove to be a real support.And what if you feel like weeping? Dr.*Grollman adds: “For some, tears are the best therapy for emotional strain, for men as well as for women and children. Weeping is a natural way to ease anguish and release pain.”Pulling Together as a FamilyYour parents can also be a great help in time of loss—and you can be a help to them. For example, Jane and Sarah, from England, lost their 23-year-old brother Darrall. How did they survive their grief? Jane answers: “Because there were four of us, I went and did everything with Dad, whilst Sarah did everything with Mum. In this way we were not on our own.” Jane further recalls: “I had never seen Dad cry before. He cried a couple of times, and in a way, it was nice, and looking back, I feel good now that I could be there just to comfort him.”A Hope That SustainsYoung David, from England, lost his 13-year-old sister Janet to Hodgkin’s disease. He says: “One of the things that benefited me greatly was one text quoted in the funeral talk. It states: ‘Because God has set a day in which he purposes to judge the inhabited earth in righteousness, and he has furnished a guarantee to all men in that he has resurrected him, ****s, from the dead.’ The speaker stressed the expression ‘guarantee’ concerning the resurrection. That was a great source of strength to me after the funeral.”—Acts 17:31; see also Mark 5:35-42; 12:26,*27; John 5:28,*29; 1*Corinthians 15:3-8.The Bible’s hope of the resurrection does not eliminate grief. You will never forget your loved one. However, many have found real comfort in the Bible’s promises and, as a result, have begun to recover gradually from the pain of losing someone they loved.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Dear Meg,My message to you is a bit different than the others. Time does heal, but sometimes not enough. I lost my mother over thirty years ago, and I am still grieving and processing the loss. For me it has been a lifetime process. Writing this letter makes me tear up. This lets me know that it is a good thing for me to be doing. I've done a great deal of writing since my mother died, letters to her, my memories of her, even a letter to the woman who ran over her as she crossed the street, forgiving her (which I never sent).Mothers Day is always difficult for me. One of the best things I have done is to stay in touch with my mothers friends. My mothers best friend is like a second mother to me. When we get together we talk about my mom and she is able to help me to continue to have a growing understanding and relationship with my mother even though she is gone. Your relationship with you mother will continue and as time goes by you will gain a greater understanding of her. Keep your relationship with her alive - celebrate her birthday and also remember the day she died with some ritual. On my own birthday I always have a party - I do it for her, because she isn't here to do it. (no one knows why I do this - it is my secret that I'm sharing with you) As the years have gone by, I have been a support to my girlfriends as their mothers have died. it is natural for me to do this, after so many years of grieving, I have a special empathy for women who have lost their mothers. Lastly, after years of therapy and periods of debilitating depression, which effected my relations and work ability, I started taking anti depression drugs a few years ago. If you are continuing to feel disabled by your depression I suggest you talk to your doctor and look into this option. I hope this is helpful.A very big hug to you.
    sabine 1 Replies Flag this Response
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