I am honestly convinced I am dying. I feel like I am, I would certainly think I am with everything I experience on a daily basis, but it's been a five year battle with doctor after doctor and none will listen, I can't even get a diagnosis, and lately it's six hours sitting in waiting rooms just for them to tell me I'm "fat". Oh, well, aren't you a genius. I am a teenage girl, but I was somehow unaware of that. Thanks for the wonderful insight. That's why I'm puking blood, I can't eat solid food without barfing, I always feel sick, somehow I still can maintain an "obese" weight when at best I consume maybe 200 calories in liquids on the average day and no food because I feel like crap, my body has NO sense of temperature control, I'm in a crippling amount of pain, I cannot pee, I cannot sleep... just... about anything, any symptom you can think of, I probably have it. But no. "Fat". That is a sensible diagnosis, of course, despite the fact my symptoms started before I gained the weight, and I was a star athlete and really active kid before I got sick, but no, I'm "just fat". Genius. -rolls eyes-
I'm just fed up with it all. I went to see an internist who WASN'T EVEN AT HIS OFFICE the other day. (He was "caught at the hospital" and how, I don't know... he left for lunch and never came back, it seemed a ***l of a lot more just like he left and decided not to come back. He post-poned my appointment a week for an "emergency", and I've seen a ***l of a lot of a doctors in the past few years, 20+ for sure, and never had any making excuses like that, so... it seems odd that ONLY he would be SO busy.) So his NP and nurses were trying to get people through. I was there ALL day. After sitting in the waiting room for hours I wanted to cry because my back hurt so bad, and they took my pulse... my heart rate was 140. I'm fat, sure, but I'm 17 and haven't been overweight long, so that is still alarmingly high, especially because my NORMAL pulse and BP is fairly low (if you catch me at a "good" time, which these days is almost never... my vitals are incredibly responsive to any form of stress, so pain, anxiety, and they are off the charts, but it's sort of clearly recordable as a stress response. Catch me at a good time, or when someone actually TREATS me every once in a blue moon, they are exceptional, like they should be.), they did an EKG, I was sinus tachycardic for no identifiable reason and they STILL just sent me home. No new treatment NOTHING for any of my symptoms, or anything, no appointments with anyone else to help, and not even considering sending me elsewhere in case there was something severely wrong. I have had medical professionals ignore me A LOT on some level in the past few years, but I have never had them turn up PROOF that something could be so seriously wrong and just brush it off and ignore it and me and send me home when it could have endangered me. Why even DO an EKG if you ignore abnormal results anyway? I don't understand... I would have felt much less worthless if they hadn't done it at all. It hurts on a level I cannot even describe for them to turn up solid evidence that I am obviously not well... possibly in immediate danger, and still, just ignore me.
I don't know what I want, or what to do, or anything. I am seventeen going on eighteen. I am not eighty. But on GOOD days, I can walk, with a freakin' CANE, and moving makes me want to SCREAM it hurts so much. I almost never sleep, and it's not even an escape. I have reoccuring nightmares about being injured so my mind can incorporate my pain and that is when I CAN sleep... most night, I just CAN'T, and I've been sick like this for five years, so I've exhausted every over-the-counter option out there, I can't even treat my own symptoms anymore, I don't have the resources, so I just have to suffer. I used to love to dance, to jump rope, and now I can barely walk, I know I'll never be able to do those things again. I can't have friends. NO ONE understands. They all INSIST there is no way that doctors wouldn't help me, so I'm lying or being dramatic, or not doing what I should be to get better, and I AM. But NO ONE believes me and so I have NO support, and so I'm doing it all on my own. And I don't know HOW to anymore. I lost everything I ever loved to being sick. And a doctor may not have said it yet, but I know I can't be far from dying one way or another if someone doesn't help me. And nothing EVER gives. I struggle, and suffer, and wait for something to give SOMEWHERE. And it never ever does. Things only get worse and worse and worse. I never get any relief of any sort.
Mostly, I just want to know if anyone can relate. I want to know if I'm simply freakin' CRAZY, or worthless, or of this is something other people have gone through too. Because I think more than an answer, more than needing someone to treat me, right now I simply want to know I'm not insane... and maybe that I'm not alone.
I don't know how much longer I can hold myself together like this... or why I would even try... this isn't living...
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