My oldest clear memory is waking up after having stitches in my head, because I ran into a corner of a pew while running around and playing at church. That was around 3-4 years old.
Short time after, we moved to another place. I always attributed my social awkwardness to moving at that age and losing friends I had. Until one of them came to visit me when I was in High School, and I got scared when she hugged me, because she seemed so unfamiliar to me. I can remember learning to converse by sitting silently in high school and listening to other people talk. Understandably, people thought that was strange. Before that, I was way more socially awkward. I completely failed my first year of college, but had a good time because I learned so much about how to be friends with people my own age. I didn't go to any dances in high school. I would realize much later that a girl liked me. People couldn't tell when I was joking, and I would laugh at things and not understand why.
It got to the point where I had to rationally deduce that suicide was stupid(hint: you can't see the future). I always would hesitate when people asked if I thought about hurting myself because of this. I know I won't, but does it matter why? I have spent long hours thinking about why I am the way I am. I have been stressed so much that I vomited when I was younger, and now I just have heartburn and lose a lot of sleep. I could ace a calc test and almost have a nervous breakdown over an english paper on the same day. I have a C++ class in 30 minutes that I'm not going to, because I haven't really sleep in days, because I don't know if I can count what feels like blacking out for a few hours. I shouldn't have to check the clock to see if I've slept.
I have asthma, bad heartburn and history of vomiting, irregular heartbeat, and what I was told were benign tremors, that make it hard to eat soup or salad. Blood pressure also spikes with stress. I twitch and I always thought my right bicep seemed abnormally large for my lifestyle. I am 6'2 and very skinny. Lowest weight I can remember is just under 150. I'm normally in the 170's. All symtoms get worse when I am stressed. I have been psychologically evaluted more than once, and the weird thing is, at the mental ward, I felt like I should belong there, but I somehow didn't fit in. I volunteered to enter the mental ward, and once inside, it scared the crap out of me.
I could ramble on forever. Feel free to ask questions. I made an appointment with a doctor I liked but haven't seen in about 6 years. I was never able to hold a job long enough to get insurance.
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