Ok, first off let me say that this may seem a bit out of order. I'm going to try to do my best to describe what's going on, but a lot of people have a tendency of misunderstanding what I'm trying to say.
Most of my life i have been called lethargic, stupid, lazy, unpredictable, ect., which i am anything but that. I have put myself through private college, have a degree in business management, and while doing so created works that amazed my professors a few of which were so impressed that they wanted to go into business with me. I also work 50+ hours a week now that I have graduated. If that's lazy or stupid then ok I am.
The problem is I understand why people think this way of me. I catch myself as I make the mistakes that i will go in further detail below, but usually its too late to correct the error made to avoid these reactions. Maybe this makes sense to you and maybe it doesn't. I will do my best to explain what I'm trying to convey to you as best as i can. Most of these problems i have had as long as i can remember, but some are seemingly getting worse.
Im sorry this is going to be long so I will highlight the symptoms here and give a more detailed explanation below.
Weight: 180lbs (Down from 225 by my own means)
*= Getting worse
- Dizziness *
- Confusion *
- Mind Blanks *
- Nervous Pacing *
- Hard time concentrating on small tasks, but cant stop concentrating on projects
-jumbled speech does not come out the way i intended *
-Bad Short term memory even on easy tasks *
-Need to re-read material 3-4 times in order to properly comprehend it
-eye sight decreasing over the last 3 years *
-Hearing decreasing over the last 3 years *
-Low Blood pressure
-Infrequent muscle twitching
Was diagnosed with depression and ADD 1 yr ago
Prozac: No effect has been seen
Addarall: Effect - Fatigue has been dramatically reduced, motivation and ability to focus on tasks has increased
Post med symptom
Tingling frequently in my hands and forearms
Slight stress causes hyperventilation
Fatigue - First of all, I am always tired. I can sleep for 15 hours and still feel the need to rest, or have a lack of motivation to get up unless i have something i need to do, and even when i do have something to do i will wait till the last min to get up and get started.
Now to most people this would be considered lazy but they didn't take into consideration that I do set my alarm so i can try to force myself out of bed at a reasonable hour but wind up literally hitting the snooze and waking up every 10 min for 2 hours. When that alarm goes off my eyes are burning, and i cant think properly, which is normal for someone who has gotten say 4-6 hours of sleep, but when I'm getting 8-12 that's a difference, but that is how i feel. I DO want to get up and be productive, and get frustrated when i cant get what i wanted to get done before i have to do what i set my alarm for.
Dizziness - I can be walking just fine and when i take a turn say like around a desk, i will cut the corner to short and bump into it knocking stuff off, or fumble with grabbing hold of things like a stapler or credit card. I also have problems making logical decisions on how and where i should move in certain situations such as helping someone pack a car or load lumber. I tend to always go in the way. Which ties in with:
Confusion: kind of self explanatory i get confused easy, if i understand something once fully, i will remember it for quite awhile, but the process of figuring out what someone is asking of me, gets jumbled in my head and frequently does not get done right. When i get to confused a lot in a short period of time, i get frustrated and it just gets worse until the stress causes what i call:
Mind Blanks - these are extremely embarrassing. an example of a mind blank would be, right now I am working as a manager trainee for a company. New stuff is being thrown at me left and right. I am learning the ins and outs of 10 different jobs within a month period, what they each do in depth not just a basic overview, I have to memorize exactly what our policy states for each procedure ect. Well my boss took came up to me and had me do a new task. This task pertained some simple addition and subtraction, I'm talking EASY. As she watched me go thru the steps of the new project i got nervous and it hit me. I seriously could not subtract 32 from 53 in my head, i went over to the calculator and tried to use that, but i couldn't figure that out, numbers kept on coming up wrong. Now i am good at math, I can do intermediate algebra in my head. Its just like all of a sudden I have no clue whets going on. It will remain like this until i realize mentally that it is happening and half to calm myself down, but by this time my boss will be grabbing the paperwork and say something in the line of, ill finish this off. This also happens when someone, usually of a mentor, trainer, boss, teacher, asks me a question verbally. No matter if I know the answer or not I will freeze up and mind blank.
Then when something still needs to be done i start pacing trying to figure out what to do for example: walking real fast sometimes stopping mid step and turing around between the calculator and the project i am working on, this can happen 3-4 times before i settle down relax and realize that i just messed up. This causes extream embarrassment. Especially when your boss says, do you seriously need a calculator for that.
I have a problem concentrating on small tasks
If i start a project, i cant stop myself until its finished in my eyes, or an outside force interferes. This is why i refuse to buy a video game system, i will go 2-3 days with out sleep just to finish.
When I talk to people i have been told i speak real quick, usually ending my comments in either a slurr, stutter, or a mispronunciation of a word such as adding an D at the end where it shouldn't be. This tends to happen more when I'm talking to people i have only met a couple times all the way to to semi-frequent acquaintances. when i try to tell a story its hard even for my closest friends to understand when i try to tell a detailed story, i jump around a lot and forget parts. By the end they lose interest and have no idea what I was trying to say.
My short term memory sucks, someone can ask me to go to the store for 3 items and 4 out of 10 times ill forget what one was. Ill remember there were 3 just not what the last one was.
Long term memory is amazing
When reading material that I am not extremely intrested in, usually i have to re-read about 30% of my sentences or paragraphs 3-4 times before i can comprehend them. Either my mind wanders and I somehow i keep reading, or the sentence structure seems awkward.
Overly emotional - I can break down into tears in minor situations where there is no reason to cry. example, if i were to ask my boss for a raise and he asked me why i feel i deserve it, while explaining i get choked up and break down even if I'm not stressed out, it usually happens when I'm trying to tell someone how i feel.
After being diagnosed with ADD not too much has changed except my ability to get going in the morning.
As for the Prozac for depression. Well 1. it didn't do anything and 2. The reason I'm depressed is because of all the symptoms happening to me in front of people.
I guess the worst part is that as I have said before, I am conscious of most of the things that I unintentionally that would put off the impression that i was stupid or lazy. Shoot if i was on the other side of the mirror looking at the real me, I too would think the same thing.
Please help me figure out what the heck is going on. The frustration is getting worse. Im embarrased to bring this list of problems to the doctor, because i dont want anyone to think I'm a hypocondriact. I also went to a counclor and they said its all just stress, Well other then these things I'm explaining I am really not stressed out, embarrased is more the word.
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