Thus all begins ...
As a little I was always different from the others, since I have Asperger Syndrome.
So I was prone to physical, psychological and verbal violence in high school, also sexual and cyber violence, but I am not here to talk about it. Whatever I was trying to include me in society, they would make fun of me, they'd often say, "go away, mentally ill, you're not like us!" and so on.
I am also a bit hyperactive, but when I am interested in something, I could concentrate as long I wanted to.
I do not know these social nuances, and I've never knew what to do, what should I do, how to behave, etc.
Sometimes I was euphoric (as a consequence of epilepsy, which I fortunately don't have anymore), but depression of nowhere.
Then it all began when I was about 14 years. More and more I felt different, as I have motor clumsiness and stereotyped movements, fold my hands often, I depend on the routines, I have strong interest in one thing, do not endure well the change of plans, I have difficulties to establish friendships, I have no idea about social behavior, lack of eye contact, I do not have a "social mind", not socialized, and so on ....
Well, I always seemed strange and unusual to myself. Then the depression started, because I realized that I was so many years a victim of violence (because of that I'm now afraid to socialize with peers, even if I do not know them, and generally don't go out wherever they are) because of my differences.
In high school it was not only light depression, but I really started to think about suicide.
Although I did not know either how or where to seek help, because I was home said, "My child, you should not shrink, you are completely normal, that's just puberty. Come on, maybe a little unusual, but it has nothing to do with depression. What do you know what the depression is... " and things like that.
Since I have problems with friendships because of my syndrome, I had a mate, but I did not realize she was just making fun of me beside the others and had me because she needed me for some things, although I thought she was only joking (that she has been saying to me all the time, and because of my syndrome I have hard time differencing making fun of anyone from sarcasm).
From then we both are almost broken.
In second class of gymnasium I had not knew anymore what I was like.
In a moment I would be afraid, scared as a wild cat when it sees a man, while another time I worked like I have all the nonsense of this world, laugh the whole day, I was the first one in the group who compose what stupid thing may we do... And what made me confused the most: at the same time I was a folksy, I had no fear of anything, I was not ashamed of something, when I normally was.
Although I still didn't know how to act in social situations and was not socialized (Asperger's Syndrome).
Then again, I was depressive, I started to drink Red Bull, together with some antidepressants, red bull and "vodka" (russian wine), not knowing what yet, so I felt better and forgot all together. What was the worst, I thought there were in me two completely different personalities, although I have always been the same me, only with different reactions because of mood changes.
Later I became so depressive that I was two months constantly in very big depression with euphoria sometimes, but very rarely.
Among other things, I became to use razor blades.
When I actually endured more, I found the number of a psychologist, specialized in consulting, working at the center for counseling, so I went to her.
She told me I need to take antidepressants, and to get them, I should fo to a psychiatrist.
So I went to a psychiatrist and she said "You have depression disorder. You have no serotonin at all."
Because I knew that I had depression, I agreed with her.
Then I spoke to her about the mood changes, and she said to me that she should provide me a mood stabilizators, but I need do some tests for something.
Later there more and more tortured me the features of Asperger's syndrome, although even when I did not know the name of it at all.
My older sister, which is defektologist, advised me that I shall verify if I may have the lighter autism.
So I went to a doctor, which is specialized just for the area for and Asperger syndrome, so we made a diagnosis and said, "you are 100% Aspie".
When I found out, I could not believe what I heard, although I knew that this is the pure truth.
In one side I felt confused, but by another I felt happy, because I have finally discovered the cause of my long years suffering.
Some time I felt great again, just like sometimes. I became the old me again. I started to take the cognitively-behavioral therapy, which is very helpful to me. I started from very beginning. For example, I learned how and when to watch people in their eyes, when you need to greet, I learned what mean some of the metaphors, I learned some of the causes of my behaviors that I didn't know before, and so more. There I go now to this psychologist with whom I first sought help, and she is really the heart of a person.
I became satisfied with that the mood changes were one part of Asperger's syndrome, but later I started to think about it a little differently.
They truly are a part of Asperger's syndrome, I have always been a bit hyperactive, sometimes euphoric, so calm, so confused, then aggressive, so happy, angry, sad, etc., maybe a little more than normal, but I am otherwise cancer in the horoscope, so these characteristic moods had always been a part of me as a personality. Perhaps this is because I am hipersensible and hipersensitive, this means
too_much-sensitive to everything.
But I still haven't been depressive, I was sometimes sad, but this is not even about the same, I had hope in it, but I wasn't depressive, I didn't seem to have two different characters and I was not euphoric like that it appeared like I was taking drugs!
After 1st grade ofhigh school I became extra-euforic-drunk without any alcohol, drugs, and also became extra-depressive without any cause of stress, so much that I wished to kill myself.
Now, a month ago, I was somewhat still felt normal, but after one day, I had two days of strong depression, I didn't like to talk with anyone either, I hardly confided, again I was injured on the left arm and biten to another by myself and now I have the three days of extra-happiness, I think delighted, though somewhat confused, since I do not know whether I feel depressive or full of luck, or even both together. In addition, I feel so confused that my head is like a blank, and I have so many ideas and plans to do, but I can not do anything and can not start to realize them.
Now I am interested in what is happening to me?
May there be any signs of bipolar disorder?
Can bipolar disorder get over, because I think that I had it in 1.-2. grade high school (I have no diagnosis, just think about), can it disappear on its own, and then start again?
Can it appear, although you have always had Asperger's syndrome (I am already born with it)?
I pray for help as soon as possible! Since I do not know any thing more or what to do or whom to tell, nor where to ask, I do not know anything!
Although I am happy right now, I am affraid that it would disappear as soon as possible!
Please help me, I really don't know what to do!