Discussions By Condition: I cannot get a diagnosis.

you have been through a lot of trauma in your life, i work in M/H and meet many people with backgrounds such as yours. you do sound to have issues around your insecurity and the need to feel useful and indispensable, these are common with such backgrounds as you describe, you could have experienced a panic attack, which can affect your whole body including your eyes. you sound quite in control of your life but many people do develop personality disorders, Bi Polar being the most common, although your symptoms are not typical of the illness. Anxiety can cause all sorts of physical symptoms. it is worth having a referral to a M/H specialist, even panic attacks can be controlled so dont hesitate to get support from doctors. be proud of yourself, many people cannot manage to hold a job at all.

Thanks for the reply. I just hope it's not the start of any serious disorder, as I catch myself involuntarily revolving my thoughts around things I'm sure won't happen, such as job loss, etc. Because it scares me, I tend to think about it once a day minimum.I understand what you mean about wanting to feel indispensable. I always try to find something to do at work, and I always try to do the most that I can before leaving. To quote what I told my boss earlier this week: "If I don't do all of the manual tasks, such as dishwashing, preparation, etc. I won't be satistifed with myself, as it helps me to believe I'm an important individual at the workplace, and that my ambition is appreciated." I try to avoid asking others to do anything, as I know I can do it myself and I prefer to do it myself as to feel "needed." Due to this I know I'm taken advantage of, to the point where a previous employee dumped all of his work on me and thereafter called me "lazy." I expressed my concerns to the boss and he made me feel better. If I don't do practically everything at work (customers and manual tasks, such as cleaning, etc.), I'll feel bad and feel as though I haven't done enough that particular day at work. I just want them to be proud of me as it's very important to me. I also tend to get jealous of other employees if I see my boss' wife administering too much attention to them. I see her as an aunt in a way, and when I see her chitchatting with someone she's known longer than me, I bear malaise. An employee that was there before me, but went on hiatus for a year, returned recently and I can't stand seeing them talking indepth with one another. I feel as though I've been put on the same plain as the other girl, which is definitely what I do not want. I want to be seen as "more important", which is selfish perhaps, but I can't help myself.Besides the other girl, there's a dude as well who has recently returned, and though I'm not jealous of him, I am concerned constantly that these two will convince either my boss or his wife to cut my hours in favour of themselves. The one girl is seeking as many hours as possible, having worked full-time before having quit, and the other irresponsibly inpregnanted his girlfriend and needs money for both her and the unborn, and for his college tuition. I tend to see that they, along with the world in general, are out to get me, as I associate most of society as being egotistical due to the "dog eat dog world" motion.Also would like to know if involuntarily movement, such as stomach spasms or a "dancing leg", could be a factor in any of this mess. I constantly move my leg when seated up and down, fickle and unable to sit still really. I don't want to; it just "happens." Couldn't sleep last night either. Kept flipping and turning.:(

Several things in your post made me wonder if you have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Many experts believe that BPD can be caused by sexual abuse in children, invalidation eg parents not considering childs feelings or a similar bad childhood. BPD people can feel rather alone and they do things like self harm (cutting). BPD people have trouble at times of controlling emotions when triggered and can over react at things eg your bread incident. Co-existing mental health issues like depression and anxiety are more common in borderline personality people then a normal person. Your stomach spasms or dancing leg.. may be signs of anxiety. I suggest you research borderline personality disorder and see if you think it fits you. best luck

I looked it up on Wikipedia, and I'm starting to wonder, too.Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness.This is very true with me. Whenever someone criticizes me, it hurts me and I tend to reject it, sticking with the idea that there's nothing wrong with my work. I then tend to lean towards "My work sucks" and I trash it, specifically because of the criticism. Even if everyone else says it's wonderful, it's very, very difficult for me to take criticism and swallow it - teachers, family, and my fiance have noticed it as being quite strong.Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone.Very true, again. One minute I'll like someone, but as soon as they do something wrong, it's an entirely different conversation. For example, recently someone was hired that I really enjoyed. I talked about how this employee was nice and agreeable to work with and not a bad thing was mentioned. As soon as he made a few "silly" mistakes, though, all I could talk about in regards to him was how much he sucked at his job. He suddenly became inferior and worthless, and I've come to the point where I don't like him because of his problem at working efficiently. He was never mean to me, and he tried his best, but quickly my perception of him went from "he's a good guy" to "he's absolutely worthless", without a sound reason for it. There was another guy that I considered a really good friend, but quickly everything was erased when he started to criticize me for no good reason (in my belief.) Even my boss would say to me "You call everyone your "best friend" but it can change so quickly. You liked x, and now you hate his guts so suddenly."Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative.Frequently, I'll look in the mirror and find myself beautiful, and five minutes later, I'm hideous. I'm atrocious, stupid, and no one could love such a beast. It's erratic.Attachment studies suggest individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or not being valued and tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships.The bolded part was discussed in the previous post.They tend to view the world generally as dangerous and malevolent, and tend to view themselves as powerless, vulnerable, unacceptable and unsure in self-identity.This as well. I don't believe in people being "good" due to having met so many bad people. At the same time, I give everyone a fair chance, but I've got the subconscious mindset that they're going to do something not nice because the majority of people have been overtaken by bad morals and values.but analysis and findings generally trace behaviors to inner pain and turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions, or limited coping and communication skills.My fiance says I can't communicate properly. It's limited, and he thinks it's because I didn't talk with people enough as a kid and an adolescent due to being rejected all the time. The defensive thing, though, is entirely me. I become extremely defensive when I shouldn't be. I think every comment is "out to get me." Whenever my fiance or someone is talking about what someone else has done, or could do, I'm compelled to say "I'm not like that" or "I'm like that" (pending the context) as to create a superior image of myself.Then there's the self-harm as an over-reaction to losing the computer, etc. :S(Writing this helps me reflect overall, as well, and might help give a better understanding of my personality and concerns)

I'm not really sure where to put this. I'm just really concerned about my current state of mind, but am not sure if it's something that I should be seeing a doctor over - part of me is saying to go "just in case", another part is saying it's not worth taking time off of work to do. A little back history: I was molested when I was seven, and neglected until the age of fifteen by a single-parent dad (he worked night shifts, so he didn't have any time for us during the day.) I was also sexually manipulated by my brother - the best way to say it is that he liked "hugging" a lot in my nightgown, and enjoyed seeing me naked when I was ~8 and he was ~12/13. My mother wanted nothing to do with us until the age of eleven. My sister was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of four, and has since manifested the majority of the little attention both parents ever gave. Whenever she had a low blood sugar, she would get anything she wanted to eat; meanwhile, my other sister, myself, and my brother were left out due to my father not being able to afford to buy everyone something. At the age of eight, I was caught drawing a crude image of me hanging myself on my school desk. I didn't have any friends until the age of 10/11; prior (and even after), everyone (including family) bullied me due to my weight and would play jokes on me, such as those infamous bubblegum mousetrap devices, or simply playing Truth&Dare to embarrass me. A teacher was heartless enough to expose my bad habit of nosepicking when I was ~9 to the entire class which enforced the bullying even more. I therefore did everything to change schools by faking interest in a program and having myself transferred. At the age of thirteen, I found comfort in internet "friends" and became addicted to their support. Not being able to talk to them caused me great anguish. I wasn't able to control myself. I became depressed and cut my arms with glass. I again began to draw images of me hanging myself or stabbing myself during these times. My father passed it off as me exaggerating. Presently, I find myself not liking the way I look. Sometimes I won't mind it, but frequently I ask my long-time fiance if I'm pretty, or if he likes my body, etc. simply because everyone has told me that I'm fat or ugly, etc. my entire life, and I need constant reassurance that I'm perfectly fine. I'll get jealous of slim, well-dressed women (not showing any cleavage) who I see outside and will come home sometimes depressed solely because of that, and again seek confirmation that I'm not some hideous blob that everyone's made me out to be. I had some financially unstable conditions in the past where I've lost an apartment or two due to not being able to pay rent. The first time, our room mate decided to stop paying his part of the rent, which caused us to owe money to the landlord as it was under my fiance's name (room mate was too young to sign a lease.) The other time, my fiance lost his job and en suite, the apartment altogether. The landlord constantly banging on the door in both cases seeking late rent would enthrall both of us into a moment of panic and fear, as he lived in a city 600km from any of my family, and losing the rent would mean losing each other for an undetermined period of time. Like with the internet "friends", this was unacceptable for me, and caused a panic due to him being my only means of positive support that I could actually believe in. Now, he lives with me in my hometown, and I have a 40h/week job while doing school online when I can. A language and ethnical barrier is making finding a job for him difficult - though, it's not an issue, as he worked all the time without my support for two years. Money isn't an issue as I'm employed by a family who practically treats me like a daughter: going to the mall together, paying for sick days when they don't have to, giving me 50$ loans here and there when necessary, etc. I know I'll never lose my job or my hours, and I'm not too concerned about it, except when I need to call in. I don't want illness or anything to sneak up on me and in the future, affect anything (I've had three sick days in the last eight months.) The problem is that, I love my job and my unrelated "family" a lot. A whole lot. I don't want to disappoint them, so even when I'm sick with a fever, I'll come to work and do my best. When they try to send me home early, with pay, I absolutely do not want to. I know my boss and his wife will cover my shift, and I simply do not want them to - I was scheduled for this shift, and it's my responsibility to do whatever needs to be done during that time period. If not, I cannot be content with myself, and I'll feel great disappointment. I'll even become depressed about it temporarily. A prime instance is when they were teaching me, six months into my employment, how to bake the bread. Bread is around 10c each at the "cost" price, and while proofing, I accidentally ruined four of them by scraping it on the metal above. We really needed white bread at that time, and it just had to be four white bread that I ruined. I didn't have to pay for it, but I was thoroughly upset - crying - because I was so disappointed in myself and I feared I had disappointed my boss, and that it was going to affect my work reference, etc. We really needed that white bread, and I had failed. I've been a perfectionist for years, being gifted in languages and mathematics, thus I had expectations much higher than normal. Teachers would tell me that "smart people don't make mistakes", etc. and as crazy as I know it is, I ended up believing them because it was nailed into my head at a young age. I was talented, able to reproduce music just by hearing it, etc. and I feared making mistakes and being told that "95% isn't good enough." My reaction to the bread thing was immense. My boss kept saying it was fine and four breads is nothing, etc. but I was devastated. It took me three hours to recuperate from the shock. I wasn't able to speak or think clearly. I kept crying and staring into blankness. About a month back, I drank two Monster drinks (355ml) practically one after the other. I didn't realize that I had done that until after the fact, as I drink it like pop/soda and subconsciously lift the can to my mouth while doing homework. The following was an obvious reaction to the Monster's caffeine: palpitations, whooziness, nausea. The problem is that it persisted for two weeks. I would suddenly get these moments of shakiness where my heart would go fast and my breathing would be troubled. Every instance happened at work when I wasn't doing anything - no customers, no preparation, no nothing. I was just talking to my boss or a coworker and it'd suddenly occur. Two weeks for a Monster's effect to remain is quite a gander, and I'm curious as to whether it's possible that having drank two one after the other could cause it. The back says you can have two cans a day, and I've had one of the larger cans of ~650ml in Last week, I had some sort of attack. My boss was there, and once he left, I got this giant headache. It was intense, so I took a Tylenol and hoped it'd go away. Five minutes later, my vision was distorted slightly. My right eye was causing some bizarre line of fuzziness to paint my vision. When serving customers, I discovered my perception of distance had also been affected. What was right in front of me seemed so far away when I extended my hand. Putting sauces on a sandwich was intimidating - I couldn't really aim, as if my hand-eye coordination had been tampered with. At the computer, it was difficult to ring the order in as I couldn't determine distance between my hand and the screen properly. Obviously this scared me, and I called my boss because I started to panic and cry and I wasn't able to talk. My breathing was, again, troubled, and speaking simply was not something I could do. His wife took over for me, and I went to bed when I got home with the biggest migraine in the world. I was disappointed and crushed; I fought with my boss saying I don't want to go home, I want to work and stay here as it's a duty. It's my shift, and I shouldn't be replaced for whatever reason. I do have hypothyroidism, but it's very small - small enough that they debated if it warranted thyroxin. I was taking thyroxin as well as birth control for a year, and I've recently stopped abruptly in February. Not sure if that means anything. I'm just curious: could I have some sort of anxiety disorder about work, or just in general? Or perhaps it's some sort of personality disorder? Anxiety sounds high on the list but make sure your Dr's rule anything else out. Becuase of your past it can hit you at anytime. My daughter and I both suffer from troubled pasts - you can change your future all on how you choose to look at things. 2ndly I agree mental health can be a huge benefit to you - but not if you don't get the correct counselor. My daughter went through 5 before one did any good. They should not only help you deal with your past and understand it better, but also teach you why sometimes you react the way you do and or what sets you off and teach you how to handle this. Many counselors do not do that. Good luck.

I looked it up on Wikipedia, and I'm starting to wonder, too. This is very true with me. Whenever someone criticizes me, it hurts me and I tend to reject it, sticking with the idea that there's nothing wrong with my work. I then tend to lean towards "My work sucks" and I trash it, specifically because of the criticism. Even if everyone else says it's wonderful, it's very, very difficult for me to take criticism and swallow it - teachers, family, and my fiance have noticed it as being quite strong. Very true, again. One minute I'll like someone, but as soon as they do something wrong, it's an entirely different conversation. For example, recently someone was hired that I really enjoyed. I talked about how this employee was nice and agreeable to work with and not a bad thing was mentioned. As soon as he made a few "silly" mistakes, though, all I could talk about in regards to him was how much he sucked at his job. He suddenly became inferior and worthless, and I've come to the point where I don't like him because of his problem at working efficiently. He was never mean to me, and he tried his best, but quickly my perception of him went from "he's a good guy" to "he's absolutely worthless", without a sound reason for it. There was another guy that I considered a really good friend, but quickly everything was erased when he started to criticize me for no good reason (in my belief.) Even my boss would say to me "You call everyone your "best friend" but it can change so quickly. You liked x, and now you hate his guts so suddenly." nods.. I understand this. It's all "black and white thinking". Black and white thinking (in which people like skips the gray areas and just goes jumping from one extreme to another) is a sign of Borderline personality thou black and white thinking also appears in Asperger's. Your black and white thinking stood out to me quite clearly from your first post. People with BPD and Aspies (Asperger's.. these are different illnesses but do have some similar traits) think in this completely different black and white way then the normal population. If you have any therapy (for BPD its usually long term) please take care of the therapist you see as ones who dont understand this kind of thinking often will struggle to help a BPD person and some of them will make us feel worst as they hold old fasion views about it and end up blaming us for the kind of way we think. People who often dont specialise in BPD find it very hard to get into a BPDs persons head.I think in a black and white way too (being both Asperger's and also having BPD). There is therapy specially tailored for Borderline personality Disorder eg DBT (which combines normal common therapy eg CBT with other things to help a BPD person). best luck ps also you may want to take care of who you tell that you could have BPD as there are so many myths around BPD and some just think BPD people are purposely difficult. Some people tend to treat BPD badly due to bias (some therapists will even refuse to try to have a BPD person as soon as they hear they have BPD.. it has some bad stigma attached to the illness due to peoples naivity on the illness).

Perhaps the common scenario of me jumping directly to blaming another person for something, without contemplating other conclusions first, could be of part in this, too.For example, the phone connection dropped suddenly while my fiance and I were talking. When he called back, immediately my reaction was "Why did you hang up on me?" rather than contemplating that maybe it was an accident, or not his fault. No. It has to be his fault, right? There's no other logical explanation even when he tells me otherwise. It takes multiple attempts in order to convince me that "No, I didn't hang up. The connection dropped."Also happens when he doesn't answer the door quick enough. I'll say "Why didn't you let me in immediately?" without thinking maybe he was in the bathroom, or busy, or something.Or when my father came an hour early to go shopping with us, and I was at work. My fiance told me what happened and I said "Why didn't you open the door, then?" without considering maybe he was sleeping, or "indecent", or in the bathroom or anything. I jump directly to blaming the person and it causes a lot of issues in my relationship with him, since being blamed for an unfair reason isn't exactly appreciated by him (and most people in general.)I try hard to "put myself in his shoes" and think of all the possibilities before blaming, but it's such a compulsive reaction that it just comes out without me thinking beforehand.

Perhaps the common scenario of me jumping directly to blaming another person for something, without contemplating other conclusions first, could be of part in this, too. For example, the phone connection dropped suddenly while my fiance and I were talking. When he called back, immediately my reaction was "Why did you hang up on me?" rather than contemplating that maybe it was an accident, or not his fault. No. It has to be his fault, right? There's no other logical explanation even when he tells me otherwise. It takes multiple attempts in order to convince me that "No, I didn't hang up. The connection dropped." Also happens when he doesn't answer the door quick enough. I'll say "Why didn't you let me in immediately?" without thinking maybe he was in the bathroom, or busy, or something. Or when my father came an hour early to go shopping with us, and I was at work. My fiance told me what happened and I said "Why didn't you open the door, then?" without considering maybe he was sleeping, or "indecent", or in the bathroom or anything. I jump directly to blaming the person and it causes a lot of issues in my relationship with him, since being blamed for an unfair reason isn't exactly appreciated by him (and most people in general.) I try hard to "put myself in his shoes" and think of all the possibilities before blaming, but it's such a compulsive reaction that it just comes out without me thinking beforehand. You just have trust issues with people and inner fear of being hurt and with the emotional instability just jump into a thought quick (thou you try not to) and react emotionally fast.. and once emotionally involved, its hard then to get out of it as you are already emotionally stirred up. Its the kind of thing DBT can help with. It's not an easy thing to change.

Hello again you are displaying signals of an anxiety disorder. do you have easy access to any M/health services? Anxiety disorders can be treated successfully with counselling and medication. i dont think you have a personallity disorder. although the paranoia you describe in your work place can be linked to both. the involuntary leg tremors and twitches can relate to to both. you must also bear in mind that some physical disorders can cause anxiety symptoms also. i strongly advise you seek medical intervention before the problem becomes any worse. sometimes we can cause our own demise without effort. remember you are valued by your employers, you still have your job. the people you envy probably envy you because of your efficiency, stop being so ******n yourself, you have nothing to prove to anyone, you have nothing to make up for, you are a survivor, be proud and hold your head up high x