I'm not really sure where to put this. I'm just really concerned about my current state of mind, but am not sure if it's something that I should be seeing a doctor over - part of me is saying to go "just in case", another part is saying it's not worth taking time off of work to do.
A little back history:
I was molested when I was seven, and neglected until the age of fifteen by a single-parent dad (he worked night shifts, so he didn't have any time for us during the day.) I was also sexually manipulated by my brother - the best way to say it is that he liked "hugging" a lot in my nightgown, and enjoyed seeing me naked when I was ~8 and he was ~12/13. My mother wanted nothing to do with us until the age of eleven.
My sister was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of four, and has since manifested the majority of the little attention both parents ever gave. Whenever she had a low blood sugar, she would get anything she wanted to eat; meanwhile, my other sister, myself, and my brother were left out due to my father not being able to afford to buy everyone something.
At the age of eight, I was caught drawing a crude image of me hanging myself on my school desk. I didn't have any friends until the age of 10/11; prior (and even after), everyone (including family) bullied me due to my weight and would play jokes on me, such as those infamous bubblegum mousetrap devices, or simply playing Truth&Dare to embarrass me. A teacher was heartless enough to expose my bad habit of nosepicking when I was ~9 to the entire class which enforced the bullying even more. I therefore did everything to change schools by faking interest in a program and having myself transferred.
At the age of thirteen, I found comfort in internet "friends" and became addicted to their support. Not being able to talk to them caused me great anguish. I wasn't able to control myself. I became depressed and cut my arms with glass. I again began to draw images of me hanging myself or stabbing myself during these times. My father passed it off as me exaggerating.
Presently, I find myself not liking the way I look. Sometimes I won't mind it, but frequently I ask my long-time fiance if I'm pretty, or if he likes my body, etc. simply because everyone has told me that I'm fat or ugly, etc. my entire life, and I need constant reassurance that I'm perfectly fine. I'll get jealous of slim, well-dressed women (not showing any cleavage) who I see outside and will come home sometimes depressed solely because of that, and again seek confirmation that I'm not some hideous blob that everyone's made me out to be.
I had some financially unstable conditions in the past where I've lost an apartment or two due to not being able to pay rent. The first time, our room mate decided to stop paying his part of the rent, which caused us to owe money to the landlord as it was under my fiance's name (room mate was too young to sign a lease.) The other time, my fiance lost his job and en suite, the apartment altogether. The landlord constantly banging on the door in both cases seeking late rent would enthrall both of us into a moment of panic and fear, as he lived in a city 600km from any of my family, and losing the rent would mean losing each other for an undetermined period of time. Like with the internet "friends", this was unacceptable for me, and caused a panic due to him being my only means of positive support that I could actually believe in.
Now, he lives with me in my hometown, and I have a 40h/week job while doing school online when I can. A language and ethnical barrier is making finding a job for him difficult - though, it's not an issue, as he worked all the time without my support for two years. Money isn't an issue as I'm employed by a family who practically treats me like a daughter: going to the mall together, paying for sick days when they don't have to, giving me 50$ loans here and there when necessary, etc. I know I'll never lose my job or my hours, and I'm not too concerned about it, except when I need to call in. I don't want illness or anything to sneak up on me and in the future, affect anything (I've had three sick days in the last eight months.)
The problem is that, I love my job and my unrelated "family" a lot. A whole lot. I don't want to disappoint them, so even when I'm sick with a fever, I'll come to work and do my best. When they try to send me home early, with pay, I absolutely do not want to. I know my boss and his wife will cover my shift, and I simply do not want them to - I was scheduled for this shift, and it's my responsibility to do whatever needs to be done during that time period. If not, I cannot be content with myself, and I'll feel great disappointment. I'll even become depressed about it temporarily.
A prime instance is when they were teaching me, six months into my employment, how to bake the bread. Bread is around 10c each at the "cost" price, and while proofing, I accidentally ruined four of them by scraping it on the metal above. We really needed white bread at that time, and it just had to be four white bread that I ruined. I didn't have to pay for it, but I was thoroughly upset - crying - because I was so disappointed in myself and I feared I had disappointed my boss, and that it was going to affect my work reference, etc. We really needed that white bread, and I had failed. I've been a perfectionist for years, being gifted in languages and mathematics, thus I had expectations much higher than normal. Teachers would tell me that "smart people don't make mistakes", etc. and as crazy as I know it is, I ended up believing them because it was nailed into my head at a young age. I was talented, able to reproduce music just by hearing it, etc. and I feared making mistakes and being told that "95% isn't good enough."
My reaction to the bread thing was immense. My boss kept saying it was fine and four breads is nothing, etc. but I was devastated. It took me three hours to recuperate from the shock. I wasn't able to speak or think clearly. I kept crying and staring into blankness.
About a month back, I drank two Monster drinks (355ml) practically one after the other. I didn't realize that I had done that until after the fact, as I drink it like pop/soda and subconsciously lift the can to my mouth while doing homework. The following was an obvious reaction to the Monster's caffeine: palpitations, whooziness, nausea. The problem is that it persisted for two weeks. I would suddenly get these moments of shakiness where my heart would go fast and my breathing would be troubled. Every instance happened at work when I wasn't doing anything - no customers, no preparation, no nothing. I was just talking to my boss or a coworker and it'd suddenly occur. Two weeks for a Monster's effect to remain is quite a gander, and I'm curious as to whether it's possible that having drank two one after the other could cause it. The back says you can have two cans a day, and I've had one of the larger cans of ~650ml in <15min before, and I've never had this happen to me. I love Monsters, and I'm actually afraid to buy one now because I don't know if it's going to give me a heart attack if I try to drink it again. I'm physically scared to touch the can even.
Last week, I had some sort of attack. My boss was there, and once he left, I got this giant headache. It was intense, so I took a Tylenol and hoped it'd go away. Five minutes later, my vision was distorted slightly. My right eye was causing some bizarre line of fuzziness to paint my vision. When serving customers, I discovered my perception of distance had also been affected. What was right in front of me seemed so far away when I extended my hand. Putting sauces on a sandwich was intimidating - I couldn't really aim, as if my hand-eye coordination had been tampered with. At the computer, it was difficult to ring the order in as I couldn't determine distance between my hand and the screen properly.
Obviously this scared me, and I called my boss because I started to panic and cry and I wasn't able to talk. My breathing was, again, troubled, and speaking simply was not something I could do. His wife took over for me, and I went to bed when I got home with the biggest migraine in the world. I was disappointed and crushed; I fought with my boss saying I don't want to go home, I want to work and stay here as it's a duty. It's my shift, and I shouldn't be replaced for whatever reason.
I do have hypothyroidism, but it's very small - small enough that they debated if it warranted thyroxin. I was taking thyroxin as well as birth control for a year, and I've recently stopped abruptly in February. Not sure if that means anything.
I'm just curious: could I have some sort of anxiety disorder about work, or just in general? Or perhaps it's some sort of personality disorder?
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