So i've been going to therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for about the same time. recently i stopped using pot. it just made me feel so well drained it wasn't as relaxing anymore to me. i still dabel in cocain on the weekend and E once everyother month. yeah i know i shouldn't use drugs at all. i got diagnosed with depression and ADD in 3rd grade. ive been to multiple doctors for years and years. every year im always depressed but from my birthday in december to just after valentines day it's like i hit rock bottom and my leg fell through that floor. i don't like my family at all being around them is uncomfortable i get anxious, depressed, just so many emotions come into play. i feel alone all the time paranoid, i feel like everyone is judging me and pretends to accept me. i know they do accept me but for some reason just something inside me thinks otherwise. if a car is behind me and i make several turns. i know i have friends but i switched to so many school and was put into the boces program so i never was a part of a group of kids in school i feel like im just a replacement of there friend untill they come home from college. my parents and family love me i know they do. it says it on the several contracts theyve made for me.to go and see these new doctors to continue living at home. it was either sign the contract or get kicked out of the house when my parents both know i don't have the money to live on my own. they made a new one last night. they want me to go to hands across long island and places of that sort. i went to school for 5 years with these kind of people. i thought i should give you a little insight to my life. my days are uneventful i work 6 days a week. take and EMT class Tuesdays and Thursdays every monday i go to a therapist and once a month i see a psychiatrist. i can't even remember the last time i had fun fun w/o drugs. i really don't have many hobbies i enjoy firefighting but with work class and the doctors im wiped out at the end of the day. i never had any interest in sports plays fishing hunting anything. i think my parents just over sheltered me and protected me from the real world. i spend my money on food cigarettes beer and gas i take adderall for my ADD ive been im so many medications i can't even remember all of them my doctor thinkis im bipolar. which makes some sense but none of the drugs for my depression have ever worked. i was never prescribed anytype oftranqulizer medication. i spend all my time in my room. i don't go out to the movies or public places at all. i go one or two friends house every now and then. i basicly feel like im alienated from everyone ive ever known i drink by myself i do pretty much everythings by myself i don't trust anyone cause everytime i did they stabbed me in the back ive had 2 girlfriends in my life. i always got shot down. not that im fat an ugly i the right weight, 5'11'' good shape. im not suicidal i tried once 6 years ago. failed. never cut myself. im so out of it al the time i forget the days, i even forgot my own birthday. it was my 21st. didn't go out i went to work. christmass was another depressing day new years was spent by myself. when i become intiment with someone. it only happens once and i just don't talk to them anymore. i maybe have friends over my house 3 4 times a years cause i figure i hate my family and being around them why would any of my friends. my parents arent cool at all they never did anything wrong in life. ive talked to theyre friends and my aunts and uncles and my parents are lame. i feel like life is worthless, pointless. and what my purpose why am i here whats my plan im not an optimist at all anytime i look at the good in things they dissapoint me. i hate myself for not knowing anything not knowing who i am.im a lost soul. i don't scare easily cause not that im not afriad of dying ive acepted the idea that im going to die and i really don't care it could be tomarow and i could care less. i just want to be normal and no doctor can figure out whats wrong with me. i get headachs too. advil aleve doesn't work i have to use a vicodine to help. i can't sleep at night. i get about 20 hours of sleep a week i don't drink coffee or energy drinks. to wake me up. when im up im up.therapy isn't working "CBT" what a surpise. i really don't know what else to say im depressed, get headachs, can't sleep, anxious, hate my family. forced to sign contracts, which makes me just hate them more and hate myself and get angry, don't scare easily, feeling worthless, meanless, paranoid, like spending my time alone, drinking alone, don't know what fun really is. can't trust anyone. if you have questions or answers please send them. i want help i need help and no one can figure it outReply Follow This Thread Stop Following This Thread Flag this Discussion
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