Discussions By Condition: General well-being

body, mind and lost hope.

Posted In: General well-being 1 Replies
  • Posted By: charlimeign
  • June 19, 2008
  • 03:55 PM

im 29 years old. my whole life ive always had a cocktail of physical and mental issues which disable my ability to function and perform to my potential. i am undiagnosed for anything except an allergy to penicillin.

i didnt graduate high school, ive never had a normal job, no insurance, and life has always been a very difficult struggle day to day. i have severely poor memory and im sure im a.d.d. but never diagnosed because im broke and cant afford doctors..

i have a son and had to make a hard decision to leave him with my family. i could barely take care of myself and he deservs a good life. recently my son was diagnosed with aspergers. my mother, has hypo thyroid disease which had progressed from 'hyper' thyroid disease.

after reading about the asperger condition ive been compelled to question my own issues. i suspect, after reflecting on my behavioral patterns and reading the symptoms of the condition, i may have the same disease.

last year while living in manhattan, my life was looking hopeful. i was happy, i had a healthy social life, i had a good job and was developing a stable "normal" lifestyle. i had many hopes that that would lead to one day providing for my son and living a more fulfilling life.

That all came to an end when one day, while running a few errands, i collapsed. completely out of the blue with no logical explanation, i blacked out and dropped to the ground. i was unconscious for 10 minutes before waking up in an ambulance. a headache and 7 stitches in my chin later doctors told me my blood pressure crashed.

ive always had good balanced meals when i was hungry, slept 7+ hours every night when i was tired, i was otherwise completely healthy although i should probably mention i am a social smoker.

now before anyone tries to be a good samaritan and tell me i should quit.. i know. i know. i know. ive heard it all before and i agree. moving on.

i can count on one hand how many times ive been sick with the cold or flu my whole life. the first time i was sick, i had an allergic reaction to childrens dimatapp. i dont remember it but my grandmother tells me they gave me a "G.I. cocktail" .. i had an allergic reaction to that and then had my stomach pumped or something. years later.. of course not thinking about when i was a kid and what happened, i came down with the flu. i decided to take some nyquil.. bad idea. my throat swelled up, i broke out into hives, my heart was pounding out of my chest, i was sweating blah blah blah. hospitalized for 1 day, treated with liquid benadryl. no diagnosis as to what i was allergic to. basically, doctors wer like.. " dont take nyquil, heres the bill" and i was sent on my way. i was sick once or twice after that, nothing severe and i completely slept through the whole thing. literally. last time i was sick i felt like i was having a cold bordering on flu.. i decided to try and take some medicine because i was really miserable.. sure enough.. dont take robitussen either. im sure you can guess my symptoms.

ironically.. my immune system is remarkably tough, i could stand for hours in a room exposed to sick people and not catch anything. as if my immunities were compensating for my vulnerabilities.

over the past year since my original collapse, ive been unable to function like i could before. every time i stand up my eyes glaze over blacking out my vision and my balance is thrown off. i have to hold onto a wall for 5-10 seconds until this feeling passes. when it does, i can only remain standing for a few minutes before i start to feel dizzy. the longer i stand the more difficult it becomes for me. my heart starts to gradually beat harder and i become more and more short of breath. eventually, if i dont or cant sit ( givin the circumstance ) i collapse.

i used to be able to walk for miles uninterrupted with no worries, now i cant walk to the mailbox..

im not sure how to spell it, but its pronounced sy-atic-uh, runs in my family. so i have that to expect as well..

fact is, im a mess, i dont have the intelligence for finances or the ability with following through with forms for getting myself assistance without getting overwhelmed and walking away. because im still only 29, and being generally healthy ( meaning my heart still beats before im over the hill ), and as a smoker, most places will turn me down for assistance. its like the assistance wants me to prove my diagnosis before thay agree to assist me, but, i need assistance before i can be diagnosed and/or treated.. i know something is wrong with me, but i cant prove it without the help i need.

so im asking, because im unable to help myself, please guide me to who will give me the treatment i need to correctly diagnose and treat whats wrong with me. i dont have any money to pay for medicine or doctors.. but i am desperate for help.

my ear hurts, my gums are swollen, i have a cracked tooth that needs attention, its uncomfortable to chew solid foods, im dizzy, im tired, i cant think or focus, or remember things. my hair is coming out in clumps, my blood pressure is too low, im depressed about all of it, and over the last few months my diet has been purely ramen noodles, microwave pizza, and water or generic cola.. so poor nutrition, i think i have aspergers, im a.d.d and and i cant push myself past one or 2 pages of looking for help before i lose interest and tell myself ill try again tomorrow. its been a year now..

im overwhelmed, confused, losing hope and giving up on myself.

i just dont want to be one of those people who die young from a infection that went unnoticed and untreated. one of those people that you hear about and think "aw thats terrible" before you return your attention back to your own daily life and forget. you arent remembered .. you arent missed.

i dont want that to be me. :(

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1 Replies:

  • Sweetheart, you are not alone. I know you feel that way right now, but you are not alone. I love you. I always have. You can come home. I know it would be tough taking on a new life and lifestyle, but you can do it. You are strong. Do it for yourself. Do it for your son. I love you, Mom
    msvaughn 2 Replies
    • October 16, 2008
    • 01:24 AM
    • 0
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