(I am really messed up in the head. Sometimes I'm like ED from Cowboy Bebop and sometimes I'm like Gaara from Naruto...I'm an anime junkie...Anyway, I've come up with a lot of ideas and theories and speculations, but in the end, I really don't know crap...So, here I am, asking you guys((and girls)) for help. Keep in mind that I don't even know if I have a true personality. More than likely, I'm just an empty shell fill with random segments of observed human interaction that I use to fake a soul. But in the unlikely event that that isn't the case, here's a very small portion of my problems; enjoy. ;) )
Okay, first off, I'm pretty sure that I have at least four different personalities up here in my head. There's the main one, the one typing right now. I'm usually cheerfully and friendly to everyone. Next is my second most active one. She (yes, she) is either extremely loving and helpfully, or suicidally depressed. I think that she has bipolar disorder, I'm not sure. The third one is...clinically insane...in a good way. He'll jump around and play with things...On second thought, he's almost like a super-hyperactive child. Sometimes he can go a little mental in his hyper-ness, but he's in no way dangerous or hurtful.
This next one is the black sheep. He's evil! He a crazy, homicidal maniac! I'm not sure about what happened, but somehow (me and the other personalities) managed to trap him in some sort of mental "cage". Before we did that, I was completely separated into many people. After we imprisoned the evil side, we all kinda merged...not completely though. At times we separate and at other times we come together.
Anyway, a lot of really depressing things have been going on lately (please don't ask what) and the evil part of me/us/whatever seems to be gaining ground. It's like a fight between manic depression and homicidal insanity sometimes. I really don't want him to hurt anyone, but I think it’s time I went to see a professional. The problems is that I have a really high distrust of mental doctors and such. Don't know why, I just do. So can anyone give me some sort of advice on whether or not I should go to a psychiatrist(SP?) or not? If no, than any tips on how to make that evil part of me subdued again?
Here are some "symptom" that I experience on a weekly basis:
Streaks of either insomnia or exhausted-ness(SP?).
When I do try to sleep, half the time I lose it and have to sit there and console the girl while she's crying herself to sleep.
I can literally be singing and happy one second, then be holding my head in despair the next few seconds, then be cheerful again without realizing until later what had just happened.
I have extreme loss of memory. I more or less have no childhood that I can remember. All there are bits and fragments and a few tell-tale signs here and there.
I don't know if this is directly related to the split personality thing, but as you have probably figured out, I sometimes have a very strong and very wide range of sudden, unrelated emotions jumping back and forth.
When I say that the evil part is gaining ground, I mean that before, he was barely even noticed; but now, we sometimes have to struggle just to get him to shut up. (not actual "voices" but more like another thought-stream parallel to my normal one) My parents could knock on my door and that evil part will instantly flare up for and instant with something like “shut the ***k up” or thoughts of mass murdering bunnies or something and then it’s gone, leaving me sitting there going “wtf?”.
Oh, and there's seems to be some sort of emotionless fifth personality that just kinda hold all of the others together. It's like he's not there, but there at the same time. Maybe that's the original personality that's subconsciously(SP?) keeping tabs on the rest of us or something...
There is almost constantly music playing in the back of my head. I don’t mean just having a song stuck there, I mean a full fledged jukebox that either matches my mood and current personality or is the complete opposite of it. I think this is some sort of mechanism that helps keep my extremely unbalanced emotions in check. You see, music “calms to savage beast”. If the right song is playing, than all the mental chatter stops and everything is at peace with everything else.
Also, there are times (like when I’m sleeping for instance) that the bipolar girl part takes over. I’ll “wake up” and have someone sitting there saying that we’d been talking for the past half hour or something like that. As far as I know though, the girl has been the only one to ever completely separate and go do her on thing.
Sometimes, if I go to sleep in class, than I’ll distinctly remember my in-class dreams AND everything that happened around me. My head will be down, my eyes closed, and I’ll be dreaming. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I have a visual memory of everything everyone around me did and can clearly remember everything the teacher said even though my eyes were closed and I was dreaming. If the bell rings or the teacher calls my name when I’m like this, I can always sit right up and either leave the class or answer whatever question she asked. It’s weird, but very beneficial sometimes… Is this what they call being “half-asleep?”
That’s all I can think of for now. For some reason, every time I try to remember these sort of things, they become really vague in the details area or I can’t remember them all. My mind tends to black-out almost everything that happens to me. They’ll pop up by themselves every now and then, but I cannot forcefully remember anything.
Oh, and BTW, I’m 17 years old. No real reason the put that, but it seems like everyone else has included it, so what the ***l? Why not add mine too?
So, what do you think? Do I have multiple mental disorders or am I just full of crap? ‘Cause I can’t tell anymore. Any help or comments or suggestions or ANYTHING helpful will be greatly appreciated.
It might be a few days before I check up on this. I’ll either forget or just not feel up to it. Thanks in advance everybody!
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