So, I have a heart condition, a minor mitral valve prolapse. Its the kind that just hurts a bit. And this was fine, it was only ever a problem before i knew what it was. But in the past two or three months, theres been something...horrible. Ill try to explain:
While in the bath a couple months ago, i started feeling a bit dizzy and short of breath (I had a fever, but didnt know this at the time.) For whatever reason, dont ask me why, I decided to check my pulse rate. Unfortunately, I put my fingers about a centimeter off from where they needed to be. For a brief moment, less than five seconds, I had a total, hellish panic where i thought my heart stopped. Even when i moved the fingers to the righ tplace, and felt my heart beating fast but without issue, the fear didnt go away, at all.
I go through this every single day. No proof of problem, nothing to suggest its anything real. But still, every single day has at least one or two hours devoted to a panic attack over this. It makes me feel frighteningly alone and helpless. Just to make sure, I need to repeat: There has NEVER been any evidence to suggest this is anything but in my head. The closest i get is not being able to feel my pulse because im trembling with the fear.
I will spend whole chunks of time constant re-checking my pulse, imagining false or stalled beats, staring at my neck in a mirror, and demanding my roommate take my pulse. This comes with a powerful dizzyness, and tightening of my throat: when i tilt my head a bit to drink something, it can trigger even greater fear, making it nearly impossible to swallow for a few seconds. This in turn increases my fear of a bigger problem.
This is destroying my life and my sanity. Even knowing that theres no proof of any problem, and infact all measurements have come out perfectly normal (though often fast due to the fear). Around the same time I started to feel not my heart, but a secondary 'pulsing', something rising and falling out of synch with the beat. It is across my upper chest, almost to my shoulders. It doesnt have sharp beats, instead a constant, smooth rising and falling. Its not breathing related, but i have no idea what it is, just that it is disturbing enough to disrupt my sleep.
I frankly dont know whatto do now. I know its all in my head but the fear wont stop, because it is so horrific, and so very, very lonely. Any advice would be appreciated, because my stress levels have been completely skyrocketed, leading to numerous large and small scale illnesses. I cant function this way, with an hour or more a day in sheer terror.
Thanks for taking the time to read, and sorry for the jumbled nature; its hard to put this stuff into words.
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