Okay, so I'm not sure how long this has been going on, but for several years, since it only happens at most, 3 times a year. Also, I'm almost 16.
Here's what happens every time. I wake up in the middle of the night, usually with a bloody nose, so I have to run to the bathroom. Every time, everyone is asleep. The darkness and alone feeling adds to it, so I want to go to the bathroom and turn on the lights even when I don't have a bloody nose. In the bathroom, my heart is racing and my breathing becomes unsteady. I feel nauseous and like I'm going to pass out. Sometimes I start crying. I have these memory/vision things that are nearly impossible to explain. Something about, "I'm failing. I'm losing. I'm dying" like life is a game or something. And I just remember a lot of circles, like that's the game board of life. (A circle because the you just keep going round and round, it's infinite.) And every time, it's this same "game," "life/death," "failure," "circles" thing. The logical part of my brain is thinking the whole time "It's happening again. Is this real? What is this? Is it fake? What is wrong with me? MAKE IT STOP!" I can't remember much afterward, other than that and the fact that I hate the feeling while it's happening. It feels like a dream, but also like I'm remembering something, like de ja vu. I can't tell what's real and what's not. It doesn't end until I go back to sleep.
So basically, it's really scary. I have never done drugs or anything like that. I haven't talked to any doctors about it. I dunno, maybe I should...? I'd just kinda like to know what's happening. I don't really want to take pills or anything, I just want to know...
I've had times when I thought someone was talking about something similar to my experience, and then I freak out and I'm like "OH MY GOSH, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL!" and then I'm so excited to have someone who understands, that I explain it all, and when I'm done, I look back over, and their eyes are wide and they have a worried expression on their face. I then realize that that isn't what they meant. They ask me hesitantly if I'm feeling okay and tell me to go see a doctor. But they don't understand, so should I? Is it serious? I mean what good would it do if I don't want any medicine, anyways. And what if they just think I'm crazy, too? Ahh I dunno. Someone please just explain...
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