Currently I am on temporary disability from work for a few weeks while I get my head straightened out about things. I am not sure if my symptoms are a result of my bi-polar mixed-state, or anxiety, or perhaps both and was wondering what anyone else thought.
My living conditions have been stressful lately. In July me and my girlfriend of two years broke up. I can't afford to move out of this 400-square foot studio apartment. Its cramped here, we want to remain friends but are at each others throats constantly. She has 2 dogs, 2 rats, and a parrot here. I have a cat. Its not an ideal situation, and I admit it does cause stress, which of course leads to frequent anxiety.
My job is ***l. I'm not the only one that thinks so; my entire team is always sick, some of them drink a lot because of the stress, we all ****h and moan about it together every day. We all have different reasons, though. My reason is that I (for some reason) work in the "complaints department" (for lack of explaining exactly what I do, its a long story) for a major telecommunications company. I am a manager that handles really unhappy customers, and solving (or trying to) their problems. I hear nothing but negativity all day from customers and co-workers. The worst part though, is that I have to pick up the phone and CALL these customers to discuss their concerns. I have a moderate social anxiety, and it has lead to agoraphobia in varying degrees to the point where sometimes I have to lie and say that I have called someone when I didn't. I have a real hard time talking to strangers over the phone. I hate calling to order a pizza, schedule and appointment, etc. It literally is nerve wracking.
I know I need a new living situation and a new position or job, but those two things are nearly impossible at present. I've been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist, and have been trying to work on my anxiety, but my insurance at my crappy job is terrible and only allows for 12 visits a year before I have to pay 90% (the visits are about $119 per session, so that's around $90 out of pocket which I can't afford because my company did not issue management employees any raises this year due to the economy). So I've been having panic attacks, and general anxiety, at home, at work, anywhere. I try not to rely on my Klonopin as much as possible, as I do realize it can be habit forming and I don't want that to happen. But lately I've been having to take it more than I'd like to.
But the past week got really bad and I"m not sure if it is my bi polar, or anxiety. Or both.
I felt this intense pressure (anxiety/weight-of-the-world feeling) coming on slowly for about 3 days, then BAM! I felt like I was going crazy. I got so *****d off at my job last week I nearly freaked out and almost ripped all my pictures off my cubicle walls and threw things off the shelves. I nearly screamed at customers. Before doing so, I recognized this was not good behavior and didn't want to risk getting fired so I talked to my boss and she agreed a little time away would be good. I had been diagnosed in 2006 as bi-polar II with mixed-states, and felt this may be an episode but the thing is I had this in July, too. I may be rapid cycling now?
Racing thoughts, extreme irritability/agressiveness, morbid and unpleasant/violent thoughts, and poor spending of money, extreme paranoia. But at the same time, depressed, sleeping way too much, over eating, hopeless and helpless. I feel very crative; I bought new art supplies and was excited to start painting again (its been years) but I can't find the drive within me to start anything.
These two completely different set of symptoms are so conflicting it is driving me crazy. I can feel it going away now, I am feeling better, but I don't want it to happen again, it is unpleasant. My mom is bi polar, she is in her 60's and was diagnosed when she was 19 so she knows a lot about it (she has type I though) and says the fact I recognized my symptoms is really a good sign. I am taking 100mg of lamictal for it, but my doctor prescribes quantity 15 of 200mg so that I can break them in half due to how expensive they are (I have to pay out of pocket for prescriptions). I don't always get the same dose each day (parts of it break off wrong sometimes) and I am not always good with a consistent habit of taking them everyday. Could this be the cause? Is this bi polar and anxiety or both?
I am seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow, to see what his opinion is, as well as fill out the paperwork for my temp disability to ensure I get paid for this 'hiatus'.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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