Discussions By Condition: Addictions

new behavior

Posted In: Addictions 7 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • June 25, 2006
  • 09:41 PM

This is for my 23 year old daughter. My daughter, is my only child. I left her father when she was 8, because he was an alcoholic and drug addicted. Me and my daughter was always very close. She knew everything I was doing and me hers! It was a great relationship many envied. It was like we were best friends. We had some tough times financially, but we were always there
for one another. We ate out all the time, shopped together all the time, Had the same hobbies etc... Although I remarried, she approved and loves him very much so. She also got married after her first term in collage. we would all both husbands and ourselfs, would go out to dinners together, vacations
together, all types of adventures, home dinners and partys. But suddenly the sweet daughter of mine started lying to me all the time. Dodging my calls, avoiding any contact with me or my husband what so ever. If there was a call it was so cold and quick and everything seemed to be a lie. My daughter had been married for four years and her husband worked off shore.
When he was in she played the house wife role. He made lots of money, and all of a sudden when he was off working, she and all her buddys would go out
to party. She would go to the male dancers in the clubs, just party party party. When he was in from work his two weeks, she would want to go out but didnt seem as often, and he would go too! They wanted to start a famiy
but had problems. They never could say who was to blame. She took fertility
drugs for a year and nothing! I think she just gave up and decided to party.
They both had a strong love to and for children. They seemed to always be keeping one to five kids. After she started the cold treatment to me, and the lying. She told her husband about a month later that she felt they should seperate. She felt he didnt love her any longer. and he no longer had an interrest in there home, because he wouldnt cut the grass, empty the garbage, or any of the other chores she would ask him to do while at home.
So hubby moves out. She moved two room mates in to help with the expenses. They party all the time! She has lost interrest in all the things she
loved. Her dog now, runs loose and I dont think gets fed most of the time. He cat that she loved so much, was declawed and never had a paw touch the outside and he is old. Now thrown to the curb, like me and the rest. She gave up her collage, and her goals. She lives on barely nothing compared to what she is use too! She has lost weight, not a whole lot but she went from a 215 to about 150 in about 6 months. There was another guy
who stepped into the picture as soon as the hubby shut the door, with his moving out boxes. Which this guy has a child and a x wife. financial issues, and they dont excited to be around us. In 6 months, I have seen this guy three times. Friday night party consisted of 80 jello shots and someone got ugly and there was some confrontation! She dont hang with a lot of her old buddies. Most are all new! Do I have some consern here? Or is my daughter just tring to find herself or growing up? Do, I have any need for concern?
I guess Im just use to our very close relationship. And now I feel a bother or a pest in her presance. she is always in a rush, on the phone or in person. And she has started working, which she didnt have to before! She has had issues with most of all her old long time friends. so, they no longer speak!
Maybe I have just spoiled her! I have provided some lavish gifts, with no strings attached. Please let me know, If I need to have any concern! Jennifer Thank You!!!

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7 Replies:

  • Hi Jennifer. I'm so sorry that your Daughter has changed so much. Yes, it sounds like the exact thing you are worried about and know in your heart of hearts is going on. Your Daughter has either made alcohol and other drugs her priority or they have made the decision for her because she is emotionally dependant on them. Addiction can run in families. I have 21+ years sober. I didnt stand a chance genetically. Both sides of my family are filled with alcoholics, it is rampant in my cousins and as quiet as it is kept, I know it has hit my neices generation. You might want to start with finding a ala-non meeting somewhere in your community first. A place you can go to where there are people, Mom's, Parents going through the same thing you are. You are not alone Jennifer. I hope your Daughter finds her way back home to you. I would give anything to have a MOther who wants me in her life, She doesnt know just how blessed she is.Peace
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • September 24, 2006
    • 07:02 AM
    • 0
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  • It sounds to me like she may be doing drugs. Those are the classic symptoms I'm sorry to say. On another note as far as being distant to you, her mother, I had this happen several times with my mother and it was my fault. I felt like she was too controlling and always asking me if I took care of this and that yet as soon as she would call me. I started avoiding her calls and not calling her as much. She was hurt by this because we were very close before. We are getting closer now because she has backed off a bit and letting me run my own life I guess because now I finally live with a man, my fiance, so she doesn't feel she can control me anymore. I don't know but the reason I enjoy talking to her more and seeing her more now is because she doesn't seem as controlling and constantly asking me if I have done this and that yet. It used to annoy me so much. I'm glad we can be good friends again.
    Esti94590 6 Replies
    • September 26, 2006
    • 05:40 AM
    • 0
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  • I'm not trying to scare you but that sounds like the typical behavior of someone who's doing hard drugs , the weight loss is very drastic and it is a very very common side effect of those drugs.
    the_one 39 Replies
    • November 2, 2006
    • 06:16 PM
    • 0
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  • I really hope you haven't confronted or gotten mad about her drug use. Instead I hope you could tell her that you love her and will always be there for her and seek counseling for yourself. Don't do anything for her until she asks for help to get rehabilitated. Even then she still needs to build your trust. Times have changed ma, she's a grown woman whose making irresponsible decisions. Only child or not, she should not bring you down!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • December 7, 2006
    • 00:25 AM
    • 0
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  • My heart goes out to you both. I can relate----A little over a year ago, I started engaging in self destructive behaviors. Not drugs, alcohol, mutilation ect---but behaviors that would allow me to disconnect from my anxities for the moment so that I could experience the euphoria of endorphins/adrenelin ect. It felt empowering to have the ability to escape the problems I was going through with (self-destructive) escape routes even if for just moments at a time-----I would have instant gratification in the moment, but eventually the behavior would cause me to feel worse immediately following-----these increased negative feelings became a catalyst of the desire to delve deeper and frequent my pattern of destructiveness. I too pulled away from my closest relationships (parents, husband, daugter, other family members), but I think because I was secretly ashamed. I didn't feel worthy of their love and it hurt me to look into their eyes, so I tried to spend little time in their presence; I didn't want to engage in conversation (or in one with real substance) so I'd avoid talking to them. I have since had counseling and have continued to research this problem. Today I am at least 85% closer to reclaiming the amazing life I once had--it's taken about 6 mths to overcome about a prior 6mths of spiraling behavior. The answer for me was gaining different perspective (achieved through counseling-counselors won't tell your daughter what to do, but they will help her develop perspective--A DEFINITE LIFE SAVER) also, learning to embrace other behaviors THAT WERE POSITIVE, (journaling, spiritual, ect) to overcome the stress/problems in my life) I have always had a full plate, in fact several and others always admired my strength/courage----but when I wasn't looking, it was like letting go of a steering wheel and fallind down a cliff. Today, I'm still climbing up the cliff, but occassionally slide a bit (but only in thought--as opposed to action). Try to reach your daugther and be prepared for her to resent you, possibly feel like she hates before she realizes the same----she will likely feel insulted and as though you are accusing her rather than trying to help her. Hang in there though---remember the value/power/persistence of a mother's love, God and prayer are invaluable and WILL WIN OUT! Be strong and know that I will pray for you both. Perphaps showing her this reply will help----good luck and God speed!!!!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 21, 2007
    • 11:40 AM
    • 0
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  • I am so sorry for your pain. My son did the exact same things. He was using drugs. Bad drugs. He finally screwed his life up so bad he had to come home. My husband and I welcomed him back with open arms and were relieved we would know where he was at night, but the adiction continued. We finally told him if you need gas for your car i will take you to the gas station to buy gas but will not give you the money. If you need clothes I will take you to the store to buy them and I will keep the recpt. Essentially you are lying to us and so we don't trust you. I was worried he would steal from us and took precautions but he never did. He finally did quit the drugs and got married got a great job etc. When he moved back in I had to go get him out of a horrible apt complex. Your daughter has the values you gave her and they sound good, she just has to get back to who she used to be because right now she is not that person. I am mostly writing this to let you know there is hope, she can find her way back etc. I am also worried about her animals. Can you find them a home whether she wants you too or not? They shouldn't have to suffer because she can't think straight right now. Oh well al anon is a good program. Sometimes it's hard to take their advice though. It's hard to watch your child crash and burn and stand by until she wants help. As I said I finally went to where he was and told him we were going home. He looked at me and said "I didn't think you'd let me come home. I was shocked his thinking had gone to that level. All you can really do is let her know that as she is standing in the rubble of what used to be her life home is the place she can always come back to and you will be there to try to help her pick up the pieces. You can't so much about this but have you talked to her husband, did he see a turning point for instance when she decided she would never have a baby. Anyway I hope this helps some. Been there done this. Good luck.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Hi Jennifer. I'm so sorry that your Daughter has changed so much. Yes, it sounds like the exact thing you are worried about and know in your heart of hearts is going on. Your Daughter has either made alcohol and other drugs her priority or they have made the decision for her because she is emotionally dependant on them. Addiction can run in families. I have 21+ years sober. I didnt stand a chance genetically. Both sides of my family are filled with alcoholics, it is rampant in my cousins and as quiet as it is kept, I know it has hit my neices generation. You might want to start with finding a ala-non meeting somewhere in your community first. A place you can go to where there are people, Mom's, Parents going through the same thing you are. You are not alone Jennifer. I hope your Daughter finds her way back home to you. I would give anything to have a MOther who wants me in her life, She doesnt know just how blessed she is.PeaceWell jenifer, take a look at things this way.. you actually developed a good friendship with your daughter, but forgot or you were unable to recognize that your daughter is growing up. Let her explore life and learn what is good for her. the turning point in the lives of those who have close relationships, ussually comes at the moment of some crisis, through which they are introduced to their "other selves"There is a saying that "inflict change in you and you will see that people are changing behaviours towards you" Your daughter cannot get stuck 24/7 with you, she is grown and its time for her to go apply the skills taught to her in her community...
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 30, 2010
    • 09:20 PM
    • 0
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