Discussions By Condition: Addictions

I don't know what to do....

Posted In: Addictions 6 Replies
  • Posted By: everyone
  • October 10, 2006
  • 07:43 PM

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, we just bought a house together and I don't know what to do. When I first met him, we drank alot and went to a lot of parties. About a year into the relationship he had been hangin with the guys while I was at home all day and came home stumbling drunk. He did not like what I had to say about that and ended up being physically abusive to me. I know I should have left him then, but I didn't. I made him promise me that he would limit his drinking and not get so drunk, he said he would and begged me for another chance...so I did. Well that didn't last. Every now and then he would mentally tear me apart by calling me names and making me feel really low about myself when he was drinking. And recently after a wedding party we were staying in a motel room ( we had both been drinking) and something made him just snap and he ended up shoving me to the floor and hit me. Fortunately, his family was staying in the same motel so I went to them in fear and to get away from him. After a couple of days apart he promised me that he would quit drinking in all. I accepted his promise, letting him know that him quitting alcohol would be the only way we could be together. I told him to do it for him and us, not because I told him to. Well, two weeks went by he went golfing, and came home and I could tell he had been drinking. He told me he had one beer, but I could tell it was a lot more than "one" beer. He still to this day won't tell me the truth. He told me he was sorry, and it wouldn't happen again. I want to believe him, but I don't know if I can. He does not think he has an alcohol problem, but everyone else does. What are my options to help him to quit and to make our relationship work?? I know I should probably leave him, but he only treats me bad when he is drinking. When he is sober he is so good to me. Is there any hope that he can quit drinking on his own....I need help!!

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6 Replies:

  • read codependent no more & facing codependence. alanon meeting. get rid off the guy.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • November 10, 2006
    • 10:31 PM
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  • I hope you or somone else in the same situation has the power to empower themselves by leaving an alcoholic. My father has been an alcoholic for over 25 years, I am 24 years old. It has been a treacherous cycle of verbal, mental, and emotional, and to a lower extent, physical abuse for my family. If you love someone and cried a fajillion tears for their health and safety over their abuse of alcohol, the person you should be caring more about is yourself. Economically speaking, you should have a plan on selling your share of the house or gather support around you for this break. Its *******t for you to continue supporting his disease. Do you understand that by sticking around you're letting him get away with this? I recently moved out of my parents house, yes recently. And I still wish my mother would divorce my father, sell her share of the house, and go traveling. But she has made her bed, though, in isolation. You should not isolate yourself in your woes. Life is to be lived outside of that home and with others who can see your concern and take your advice.May you find self-respect and the dignity to not tolerate an alcoholic's abuse.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • December 7, 2006
    • 00:05 AM
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  • alcoholics can not be helped.escape immediately.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • December 31, 2006
    • 05:21 PM
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  • :) I'm hip! Thing is, i myself was a "full" blown alcoholic, i say "was", because you seem to think, there "is" no! escape. Please allow me to share my story. You "do" understand computer terms, i know you do. What happened to me was this, knowing that i "had" the jones for the stuff, i had to make a dissision. Lee, you "need" help! & where does this help come from? It comes from the Lord*, that's where!. So, there ya go. Have you heard of uninstall a program?, i know you have, well that's what happened. The Lord ****s, uninstalled my desire to drink the "juice". It "is" the honest to "God" "Almighty" Truth ****s says, I Am The The Way, The Truth, & The Life. Now "if" you believe this, you will be saved as well. Have a "Good" journey.
    hogndog 426 Replies
    • December 31, 2006
    • 07:28 PM
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  • I think 'child of the disease' said it pretty well, everyone. Living with an alcoholic is one thing, but if you're being abused in any way -- physically, sexually, verbally -- there's no reason you should tolerate that. Alcoholism is a ***n tough disease, and it's almost unheard of for anyone to stop drinking by their own willpower. (I'm not an alcoholic, but I have a similar addiction. So I know a lot about addiction, and I know a lot of alcoholics.)The chances of your boyfriend quitting drinking on his own are next to nil. If he doesn't get help -- an alcohol treatment program, Alcoholics Anonymous, psychotherapy, religious counseling, etc. -- he's not going to stop. And without treatment, partner abuse is nearly always progressive. There may be long quiet periods, but then the cycle restarts. And no matter how long each cycle, the abuse gets progressively worse. Call your local shelter for battered women and families; they can tell you more about the cycle of domestic violence.You're not going to want to hear this, but you're going to have to (a) make up your mind that if your boyfriend doesn't get treatment -- not just "look into it," but GET IT -- you'll have to leave him; (b) set a deadline for yourself; (c) make a plan on how to do it; (d) tell your boyfriend (a) and (b), but not (c); and (e) stick to the deadline and the plan.You're up against a very tough, painful, heartbreaking disease. Your boyfriend can get sober, but only if he does the work to make it happen. And you cannot help him directly. The only way you can help him is to take care of yourself. Set your boundaries, keep them, and if he crosses them, know that you have to just walk away. Stay strong, and remember that you can still love and care for your boyfriend even if you can no longer live with him.And as bippi suggested, find an Al-Anon meeting near you and check it out. Al-Anon is the 12-Step program for friends and loved ones of alcoholics. I have alcoholics in my family, and have attended Al-Anon for years. It might be a big help to you.My very best wishes to you.
    AmateurHistorian 74 Replies Flag this Response
  • I think he need’s your support and help. Take him to a counsellor; a doc who can help or to a alcohol rehab center that is effective! See if you feel an addiction treatment centre can help you - they make patients aware about the side effects of alcohol addiction and help them understand the benefits of rehab. All the best!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 21, 2009
    • 10:43 AM
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